There is always a question online: do you want to go back to the past?
Aoife’s answer is, she doesn’t want to go back to the past at all. Those dark, painful days of repeated disappointments turning into despair, once was enough…
Going back to the past is not as good as starting over now. People always have to say goodbye to the past, but how can you pick up a rose handed to you when you are holding garbage?
Aoife had severe pregnancy symptoms, and pregnancy symptoms depend on luck. Some people only have them for the first three months, while others have them until the baby is born, and there are even some lucky ones, who have no symptoms during pregnancy.
Aoife was not one of the lucky ones, she was the unlucky one, even when she was six months pregnant and her belly had grown, the symptoms still persisted.
Along with morning sickness, her ankles became swollen, she could only sleep on her side every night, if she laid flat, she felt like something was pressing on her heart and she had nightmares all night.
It was inconvenient for Aoife to get up at night, she would wake up thirsty in the middle of the night, so Ethan laid a mat on the bedroom floor next to the bed.
Aoife knew how hard it was to make snacks, Ethan would go out to work during the day and come back to face her with a smiling face.
He looked full of energy, or maybe he was just pretending to look energetic, with red bloodshot eyes and dark circles under his eyes. Aoife felt a pang of guilt watching him.
“I’m not tired, Aoife, I feel so happy right now, life feels fulfilling. Before, living was just living, floating through life was fine, but now that I have you both, suddenly my life has purpose.” Ethan held Aoife’s hand and looked at her belly.
He asked, “Feeling uncomfortable today?”
Aoife replied, “It’s the same as usual.”
But that meant she was uncomfortable. Ethan said, “I heard that children who are difficult during pregnancy are girls. Maybe that’s our wish.”
He only thought of a girl’s name, hadn’t thought of a boy’s name yet, and Aoife was about to give birth in six months, they hadn’t asked the doctor if it’s a boy or a girl.
“I’m taking the day off tomorrow, it’s time to take you to the hospital for a check-up.”
Aoife caressed her belly. “Let’s sleep early.”
“Okay.”
While Ethan agreed with his mouth, he didn’t let go of Aoife’s hand. He lay down and kept his hand propped against the headboard. It was fine for a short time, but it would get numb over time.
Their relationship now, saying they were a couple was too mundane, they were more like a married couple, living like an old married couple.
This relationship was neither here nor there, every time Aoife saw Ethan’s efforts, she felt sorry for him.
Ethan was not like her, he had family, parents who loved and missed him. Even though he used to joke that he was a mess, he had many fans who adored him.
He had a good life ahead of him, but now, he was living with her under this “well”.
Although their current life and income were not hard, it was nowhere near what Ethan used to have.
Ethan truly believed that his current life was better, he was happy and didn’t want Aoife to blame herself. Everything he did was willingly.
They say in love, the one who always gives is often not appreciated. There are also peaks and valleys in emotions, but to Ethan, giving love is a process of receiving love, and he never regretted the days spent with Aoife.
Perhaps it was the pressure of going for a check-up at the hospital the next day, but after falling asleep, Aoife had a nightmare. She dreamt of Finn choking her and not letting her go.
When she woke up from the nightmare, she saw Ethan sitting on the bed, looking worried. The light was on in the room, and Aoife felt a throbbing pain in her head.
“Having a nightmare?”
“Yes.” Aoife paused, then added, “Scared.”
“I’ll get you a glass of water to drink.” Ethan got up to leave, but he was stopped by Aoife grabbing his arm.
“Ethan, I’m scared, please don’t go.”
Ethan immediately stopped, turned around, and hugged Aoife.
Carrying a six-month-old pregnancy, Aoife was still a small bundle, looking fragile like a doll, every movement had to be cautious, even the hug couldn’t be too tight.
Aoife’s rapid breathing gradually calmed down, she held onto Ethan’s clothes, listening to his steady heartbeat by her ears.
Pregnant women are in a sensitive period, often plagued by doubts, fearing to lose the stable life they have now, fearing that the child they fought hard to keep will face problems. Aoife had many fears, even fearing that someone would discover her dark past, to the point where she hadn’t mentioned her past to Ethan.
Everyone has some past that is not worth revisiting, some things are not worth mentioning.
Aoife kept silent, but Ethan thought she was suppressing her fear in her heart and softly comforted her, “Don’t think about it, it’s just a dream. Nightmares and reality are opposites. The scarier the dream, the more beautiful the reality.”
This kind of comfort had a psychological effect. How can dreams and reality be opposites when there’s a saying that dreams do come true? Why not say that dreams and reality are opposites?
“Ethan, you’re the first person who has been genuinely good to me.” Aoife suddenly spoke, a sentence without a beginning and an end.
Yes, Ethan was the first person who was genuinely good to her. The most important word in that sentence was not “good” or “first”, it was “genuinely”.
Finn had also been kind to Aoife, but his kindness often came with ulterior motives.
When Aoife was first sent to the hospital after coming overseas, she would often gaze at the sky outside, feeling depressed. After experiencing Finn’s deception and humiliation, she no longer believed that anyone could be wholeheartedly good to her, she always doubted if people around her had ulterior motives like Finn.
Hattie’s redemption gave her a glimmer of hope to live on, and Ethan’s companionship gave her more confidence and happiness.
“Ethan, I’m not worth you being so good to me. I used to be someone’s mistress, and this child was conceived during those times… I’m a bad person.”
Good girls go to heaven, while bad women wander in hell; was her current suffering a retribution?
“If it wasn’t voluntary, then it wasn’t being a mistress. Besides, you chose to escape, didn’t you?” Ethan asked, “Do you want to go back to the past, Aoife?”
Aoife shook her head, “I don’t want to go back to the past at all.”
“Then that’s all that matters.”
Ethan was happy that Aoife had taken the initiative to mention the past to him; it meant she had opened up to him, bringing them closer.
That night, Aoife cautiously spoke about the things that had happened to her in the past, tearing open scars that have already healed, revealing fresh wounds.