“That’s not my job title, although some of us have been called that.”
“You’ve killed people?”
“Some.”
“Did you…did you enjoy it?”
A flare of wild hurt cross his face. “It’s my job.”
I braced myself, waiting for him to remind me what my job had been and to ask if I’d enjoyed what I’d done, but he didn’t. His mouth tightened, and he turned away, and I remembered the times he’d come home from out of town, to fall into an exhausted sleep that was plagued by nightmares. No, he hadn’t enjoyed it.
“I’m sorry, Wills. How…” I cleared my throat and swallowed. “How long have you been doing this?”
“For five years. When I found out what I’d be required to do, I wasn’t sure at first if I could.”
“What made you change your mind?”
“My…my trainer. He told me my country’s existence was on the line, and she needed people who would go the distance for her.” He met my eyes. “I’ll tell you the truth, Theo. Those bastards on Capitol Hill can go fuck themselves as far as I’m concerned, as far as most of us in the WBIS are concerned. But my country, and by extension my family?” He shrugged. “So I learned to do the job and not puke up my guts every time I had to clean up after someone else. It’s something to be proud of, Mr. Adams told me. Only a very small number of men are recruited, and of them, the majority wash out. The ones who don’t but who can’t do what I do…Michael was one of those. They stay at headquarters and analyze data or…do other things.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I couldn’t. No one knows, Theo, not even my family, and I have to ask that you keep this to yourself. The less they know, the safer it is for them.”
“But you’re telling me now.”
He nodded. “I love my country, Theo, and I’m good at what I do—oh, not as good as Mr. Vincent, he’s the best—but I wouldn’t trade what we have for anything, and I told you, if it ever came to a choice, I’d resign before I gave you up.”
“I can’t believe how stupid I was, never questioning…”
“Not stupid, Theo. It’s part of my job, to look innocuous, unremarkable, forgettable.”
“Were you ever going to tell me what you did?”
“Yes. Once you’d agreed to marry me, I never would have kept it a secret. I intended to talk to Mr. Vincent about it on Monday, but then he called me in yesterday.”
“Yesterday?”
“It’s Saturday, babe.” He looked down, fiddled with the seam of his jeans. “Does…does this make a difference about how you feel about me?”
“I don’t know. I never…” I got out of bed and got dressed. “That scar on your back. Not from a car accident, I presume?”
“No.”
It was a dangerous world out there, and…”I have to get some air.”
“Sure. I understand. I was afraid…” The bleakness in his tone shook me. It matched the bleakness in his eyes.
“You’re gonna be here when I get back, aren’t you?”
“Does it matter?”
“Yes, it matters, goddammit! The last thing I need is you cutting and running…” I wanted to cringe. That was what I had done all my life. First with Poppa, then after I thought I’d killed Franky, and finally when I thought Wills had betrayed me. I waited for him to throw my cowardice in my face.
Instead, he said, “I’ll be here, Theo.”
“Fuck it.” There was no point in me going anywhere to think about anything. This was where I needed to be. Whatever he did, whatever he was, William Matheson was the only man I’d ever love. I went to him and took him in my arms. “I love you, and I can’t live without you—I won’t want to live without you—so just promise me one thing.” I held on to him, stroking his back, absorbing the tremors that ran through him while he did the same to me. “Stay safe for me, Wills. Promise me you’ll stay safe.”
“I promise, Theo.”
“I love you, Wills. For as long as I live, I’ll love you.”
“Oh, babe.” His arms tightened painfully. He knew as well as I there were no guarantees in life. In spite of his promise, he could be killed on the job, but just as easily, I could be killed crossing the street.
Or we could both live to be a hundred.
* * * *
Wills made love to me without a condom. The feel of his fingers stretching and preparing me was familiar, but the sensation of his bare cockhead at my hole, pushing steadily until it yielded to him, was like nothing I’d ever experienced in thirteen years of being sexually active. Maybe it was because the man who was thrusting in and out of my body, braced above me, his eyes fastened on mine, loved me.
“I’m…I’m close, babe.”