Caged within the confinements of her bedroom once again, Emerald was back to square one as she sat motionless on her bed. The rays of sunlight from the late morning sun spilled into the room, casting its light on Emerald’s bruised feet while also highlighting her bloodshot eyes and tearstained face.
After running all the way out of Jordan’s lone estate barefooted, Emerald had had to walk for miles before spotting a taxi and the effect of her action took a toll on her all through the night till this very moment as her legs burned and throbbed painfully, yet she sat completely still, too emotionally numb to feel any pain – both physical and emotional.
Jordan’s confession, along with his hurt expression when she had pushed him away, played repeatedly in her mind but she was too tired, too torpid to shed any more tears. She had with her own hands, ruined her one chance at happiness. She had chased away the only man, who was willing to love her even after knowing her flaws.
All she could do was dwell in her agony. Even death seemed too much of an escape, a relief for her.
There wasn’t a single noise in the house, the entire place echoed with pin-drop silence, causing Emerald’s ears to tingle with unease. She longed for a sound, any sound. The silence was driving her insane and just as she moved to search for her phone, the device suddenly began to ring.
Picking it up, she saw that it was her mother calling. She immediately realised how much she had missed her. Her smiles, her words of encouragement, her scent, her warm hugs, every single thing about it, but she couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with guilt as well. She had caused the woman so much pain, yet she was still too selfish to die and leave her mother completely shattered.
After taking a second to clear her scratchy throat, Emerald answered the call, her heart constricting when she heard her mother’s familiar kind voice.
“Maree!”
“Hi Mom,” Emerald tried to keep her voice steady.
“How are you doing, honey? You didn’t call me back to tell me how your date went with Jordan,” Maggie chimed excitedly.
Emerald’s chest tightened at the mention of Jordan and she could feel the dam built to restrain her emotions, begin to weaken. “Mom,” her voice shook, “I messed up.”
“Why? Did something happen?” Emerald hesitated, “come on, Maree, talk to me. Is something wrong?” her mother’s worried voice was enough to destroy her resolve and the dams were broken, giving way to fresh set of tears.
“I pushed him away,” she whispered, clutching her chest once again.
“Hold on, honey. Let’s switch to video call, ok?” Emerald nodded before moving her phone away from her ear and accepting her mother’s video call request.
A loud gasp escaped Maggie’s lips at the sight of her daughter’s haggard appearance. “Emerald, what happened?” she asked softly, tears welling up her eyes as well. “Tell me, honey.”
“I messed up. He told me he loved me and I-I freaked out and pushed him away,” she hiccuped, “I ran away, Mom,” she sobbed.
“Why, Mera?” Her mother prompted her to explain what had happened and Emerald delved into everything that had happened, right from the visit to Carol’s house, up until today.
“She died, Mom. With her baby,” she concluded, finding it difficult to control her tears.
“Oh, darling,” Maggie wiped her own tears, finally understanding why it affected her daughter so much. It hit home, far too much. “I see why it bothers you so much, Emerald, but instead of shutting Jordan out, why didn’t you just explain things to him?”
“I did,” Emerald sniffled, “well, not exactly. More like I blurted out that I was also a victim of rape,” her jaw clenched, the subject a sore and touchy one for her. “But he still confessed to me, Mom. He still loved me. Why? Why would he do that?”
“Why wouldn’t he, Mera?”
“I was raped, Mom. I-I have scars, I have a horrible past, I’m very unstable. You know about my suicidal tendencies, Mom, my monthlies. I can’t dump all of that on him.”
“Have you told him all about it, yet?”
“He knows about the assault, he is aware of my suicidal thoughts, he has also seen how very unstable I can get, but he still doesn’t know it’s a monthly thing. He also doesn’t know about the scar, Mom.”
“Ok, Mera, but don’t you think you should tell him all about it and let him be the one to decide if he wants you or not?” Emerald opened her mouth to protest when her mother continued. “Hold on. I know you’re scared of baring yourself completely to him just to have him leave you, but Maree, don’t you think it’s finally time to open up and let someone in?
If you keep pushing everyone away, you wouldn’t know when you would chase away the right one for you, the one who would bring you complete healing, the one who would love you and accept you for who you are – scars and all.”
Emerald remained quiet, mulling over her mother’s words. She sighed as she wiped her tears away. With regret and sadness in her eyes, she muttered, “It’s too late, Mom.”
“How so?”
“I saw the hurt in his eyes when I pushed him away, Mom. He hasn’t called me since yesterday. He probably thinks I’m not worth the trouble anymore.”
“How sure are you? For all you know, he could be giving you the space you seemed to have been in dire need of. He probably just wants to give you some think to cool off, honey.”
“You think?”
“I know.”
Silence surrounded the mother–daughter duo as Emerald could finally breathe again. The silence that currently enveloped them wasn’t as deafening and suffocating as before. It was a comfortable one that enabled her to collect her thoughts and think deeply about what her mother said.
She wanted to tell Jordan everything. She wanted nothing more than to be with him. She wanted to experience what being loved felt like. She wanted to experience being held, not with motherly or fatherly intent and not of platonic intent, but with a lover’s intent and she can’t bear to picture being with someone else that wasn’t Jordan.
She can’t seem to bear to live a life where he didn’t exist. She wanted to be loved by him and she wanted to love him as well, but there was still a lingering fear of not being accepted by him after telling him all about her pasts.
“I’m scared,” she voiced out, relying on her mother for reassurance.
Maggie only smiled before asking her daughter, “Do you love him?”
Emerald didn’t hesitate one millisecond before answering. “Yes, Mom, I do love him. I really do.”
When Jordan had confessed his feelings to her, despite being so enshrouded by pain and fear, Emerald couldn’t deny that genuine happiness had bloomed in her heart at those words of his, but her fears and insecurities had won.
“Then allow the love you have for him prevail over your fears, Maree. Don’t let your past and insecurities take away your happiness, sweetheart.”
Emerald nodded resolutely, determined to win back her man. She would no longer let her insecurities ruin her one chance at genuine happiness. She only hoped that it wasn’t too late.