A dry chuckle filled the otherwise, silent atmosphere and Jordan watched as her arid and wan lips parted, giving way to a lifeless laugh. After laughing for some seconds, she inhaled deep breaths, panting unsteadily; the laughter appeared to have taken much more of her strength than necessary.
“Eme-”
“I couldn’t do it,” she laughed again. “I’m so fucking cowardly, I couldn’t even summon the courage to take my own life. Once again, I’m still too selfish and inconsiderate enough to make you all suffer by having to endure my baneful existence,” her humourless chuckle bounced off the walls of the hallway.
“Emera-”
“I could’ve just ended things already. Everyone could’ve been celebrating the plague that had been finally removed from their lives but I still couldn’t do it.” Tears trailed down her face as she continued laughing, her face contorted in the agony that encased her soul.
“I held the knife in my hands. Yes, I held it in my freaking shaky hands across my wrist but then, I remembered Mom. I remembered how pale and emaciated she had looked when I had woken up from a semi–coma after attempting suicide as a teenager. I remembered how my mother had suffered endlessly just to make me happy, just to make me well, to make me recover from. . .” she shuddered, “. . . Yet, I keep going back to the same thing I received therapy for,” she laughed, hot tears endlessly running a marathon down her cheeks.
“I’m a lost cause, a poltroon. I can’t give my mother happiness, yet I still can’t take away the one thing that causes her pain. Me. I couldn’t deprive this world of the monster called Emerald Pearce,” her voice echoed with contempt as she called her own name.
She released a heavy breath before closing her eyes, sending Jordan into a state of panic. “Emerald?” he called out gently, already trying to fish out his car keys from his pants pocket but his eyes remained trained on her unmoving frame.
As he prepared to pick her up and make a mad dash through the door, she opened her eyes and spoke again, “I took pills, you know?” her lips stretched into a cold grin. “My tricyclic antidepressants. I think I must have even overdosed on them,” she laughed loudly, as though she had heard the greatest joke of the century.
“My doctor had said they would reduce my suicidal thoughts and tendencies. He had said that they would prevent my mood disorder, my inactivity and my difficulties in thinking straight, but now I realised he hadn’t said that they would take away the aching in my chest,” she slowly and painfully moved her bloody hand to her chest, clutching the area.
“He hadn’t said a word about them taking away the endless guilt I always feel. He hadn’t said anything about the head-splitting migraine that always ensued every time I took the pill,” she grimaced in pain, her face hardening by the second. “To think that I had actually trusted and depended on some pills,” her face tightened up in a scowl, as if the idea of depending on anything was as outrageous as it came.
She closed her eyes again, catching her breath. Jordan noticed that she was having some difficulties with her breathing. Seemingly just awakening from a slumber of immobility, Jordan moved even closer to her, tremulously pulling her cold and bloody hands away from her chest and into his own calloused ones.
“Emerald, I’m so sorry,” he finally managed to choke out a complete sentence since he had entered the house. “I’m really, really sorry, Gem.” Just then, a tear drop slid down his face and he unashamedly let it fall.
Seeing the woman he had such intense feelings for completely break down before him, did something to his heart. It broke him more than anything had ever done before. As he watched her crumble in agony before him, tears streaming down her blanched face as she bled both figuratively and literally, yet unable to do anything to help her, Jordan felt like he was being stabbed over and over and over again in his heart.
Just like the day his mother had died, Jordan’s chest tightened painfully as his heart bled profusely for her. “Please forgive me, Gem. I’m so sorry,” the tears flowed heavily down his face as though the dam that had always held his emotions had finally been broken down.
“And then, there’s you,” he heard her whisper before tardily opening her eyes to stare at him with her cold and inexpressive gaze. If Jordan had thought that she was emotionless before, that was nothing compared to how expressionless she was now.
“The first person I thought I could trust. The first person I thought I could blindly depend on. You know. . .” she stared at his chest, her gaze wandering afar as she appeared to be recollecting a memory. “. . . I was starting to imagine what it would feel like to not be in charge all the time, what it would feel like to rely on someone, to have someone to catch you when you fall, to have someone you could call your own.
I was beginning to fantasize about how good that would feel and somehow, all of my fantasies always end up with your face being the image behind the blurry picture.” Jordan could feel his heart thumping loudly at her soft yet intense undertone. He gulped.
“I couldn’t continue to deny the unfamiliar tension between us, not mattering how much I wanted to refute its existence and I’m well aware that not only I, can feel this attraction,” her eyes zoned in on him, caging him in their ardency. Jordan grasped onto her every word like they were his lifeline.
She looked away as she continued, “That kiss,” she smiled, albeit sadly, “I couldn’t stop thinking about it. That was the first kiss I’ve had that actually made me feel that supposed, cliche toe–curling feeling that these romance novels always described.
But somehow, beneath all of this girly happiness, there was this nagging feeling that always tried to remind me that this all was too good to be true but I was too blinded to realise. And ultimately, it did turn out to be just that. Fantasies. Castles in the air. Nothing more.”
“No.” Jordan whispered, shaking his head. He had really fucked up. Big time. He was happy that she had actually thought about the kiss, that she had actually seen him as someone she could rely on, but in truth, he knew he was losing her.
He knew she had dependency issues, he was well aware of how big of a deal it was for her to rely on someone, yet she had been willing to give him a chance. But now, that was all ruined, all because of his cowardice and insecurities. Something he could’ve talked to her about, according to Keelan.
She heaved an aquiver breath, letting her head fall back on the wall behind her; she appeared to be completely exhausted by everything that was happening. She seemed to be giving up on everything and anything, she seemed to be giving up on him.
“What hurts me the most is how you could have made such a grave promise and not even have the decency to fulfill it.” Jordan stilled at her words, hoping against hope that she wasn’t talking about the vow he had made to her parents. “I was there that day. You guys were nowhere to be found and I had walked into the house to look for you, but had stumbled upon the depressing atmosphere instead. And that’s not even what torments my soul.
It’s the fact that I had actually been expectant of this day. For the first time ever, I was actually looking forward to the days of my utmost misery. I was looking forward to being cared for by someone other than my Mom and Luca. I was looking forward to being cared for by you.
You sounded so firm, so certain that you would be there for me, that you were going to ‘protect me with your life’,” she laughed loudly, “and like the fool that I was, I had actually believed you. I hadn’t cared that I was making my parents cry on their wedding day, the day that was supposed to be the happiest day of their lives. I had been so clouded by my delusions of being finally happy after all these years, not knowing that it was just in the moment. It was never supposed to last.”
A river of tears streamed down Jordan’s face as his heart raced erratically in his chest. She was getting it all wrong. She was misunderstanding him and it was all his fault. “Emerald, please. It’s not like that. It’s not what you think at all. Please,” he begged, clutching her hands as tightly yet softly as possible.
She shook her head, still resting against the wall with eyes closed. “The first person I had decided to give a chance turned out to be faux. You gave me hope. . .” her voice broke, “. . . and then, ruthlessly snatched it away,” she opened her bloodshot eyes and stared directly into Jordan’s eyes. “Why?” her lips quivered, her jaw shook as the rain of painful tears poured down her face. “What did I ever do to you?”
Jordan was speechless as he stared at her accusing gaze, his own tears pouring down his face as well. “I’m sorry,” that was all he could manage to say. “I’m so sorry.”
“No!” she shook her head, aggressively pulling her hands out of his, wincing at the action. “Don’t apologise. Your apologies in no way, ease the aching in my chest. The pain is there, it is very much still there!” she sobbed, her body trembling vehemently. “It hurts, Jordan. It hurts so much.”
With a sob racking out of his chest, out of the hole in his heart, Jordan pulled her cold and delicate body into his warm and sturdy one. She fought against him, trying to push him away but Jordan begged profusely until in both mental, emotional and physical fatigue, she gave into him and bawled her soul out.
Jordan held tightly onto her, pulling her into his laps while mumbling endless apologies with tears free falling down his visage. He could only hope that she would find it in her heart to forgive him.
He tried to control himself. He couldn’t let his emotions get the best of him. This was the first time he had cried in years. He hadn’t even shed a tear when he had come home to meet his mother’s dead body awaiting him as a birthday present. He hadn’t shed a tear at her funeral, neither had he cried when Carol had been taken away from him.
But now, he cried. He cried for his mother, he cried for all of the pain and sufferings his sister had had to endure at such a young age, he cried for Maggie and Luca-parents who felt like they were losing their child with each passing day, he cried for himself, because he knew he had lost her before even having her and then, he cried for her.
His heart, his soul, his entire being bled for her, for all she had had to go through as a child and even as an adult. He bled for her fears, for her tears, for every blood that had been spilled from her body, for her trampled hopes and happiness and for every waning breath she took.
He bled with every drop of tear that fell down both their faces.