She walked home after seeing me off on the platform for my train ride back to the City and I truly felt the guilt of not having shared what I had withheld from her for too long. The one thing I made her promise is that she would not tell Eileen what I told her. Whatever was to be done about Kerry was something that I had to figure out and I had not yet done that and would not do that for a while. But I also wanted no one else to know what I decided more generally.
The strange thing is that she did not speak in specifics, she did not say that I should do this or I should do that. What she did is instill confidence that whatever I decided to do not only would have her support but that it would be the right thing to do. For me.
And over the next few weeks as I prepared for my final exams I made a major decision, two actually.
New York had become my home. I did not know what would happen with Kerry, but I did know that I wasn’t heading west anytime soon.
On a Monday afternoon two weeks after our lunch, morning in San Francisco, I called the firm where I was to work. I explained to the hiring coordinator that for personal reasons I wouldn’t be able to be in California for the Summer, and he was very nice and told me that the firm would keep the spot open if things changed.
On Tuesday, I tracked down one of my Teaching Assistants, and we sat out on the bridge across Amsterdam that connects the law school to the main part of the University. I told her that for personal reasons I decided not to go to San Francisco for the Summer and had backed out of my job there. Swearing her to secrecy, I told her that I was also considering leaving school for a year and asked if she knew where I could get a full-time job.
To say she was surprised would be an understatement. She and our other TA had gotten to know all of us, including Kerry, and genuinely cared for us. After our finals in December, we’d had a party at her apartment on West 72nd. After I assured her that there were some things, including financial things, that I had to work through, she promised to look into some options and get back to me. She hugged me as she left.
I should say something about the “financial things” I mentioned. My parents were paying half of my tuition and my portion of the rent on the Apartment. I insisted that the money be a loan, and signed a zero-interest promissory note. The balance of my tuition and a stipend for living expenses came via a student loan, which did not have a zero-interest promissory note.
Things were building for a while. It began long ago, when my father disavowed his sister. Then when how they, my mother and my father, treated her on Thanksgiving in 2010. It had been smoldering within me ever since, and much as Mary told me to let bygones be bygones, I could not let it go. And now looking at how comfortable I felt in New York, especially with Mary, I wanted to stay and I understood that part of staying meant separating myself from the financial tangles I had with my parents, and I was increasingly viewing it as blood money. I would not take their money. I could not afford to repay what I already received yet, but I would not add to my debt to them.
Which is why I couldn’t afford to pay for school. Perhaps I could later work out a financial arrangement so I went to the Administration. After explaining matters, focusing on the financial, I was allowed to withdraw for second year and would (assuming my first-year grades were good enough, which I knew they would be) be allowed to re-enroll in September 2018.
On Friday—this was all happening lightning fast—I left school at noon and took the 1 train to midtown. I met with a partner at a midsized law firm, Sullivan & Wilson. My TA had set the interview up for me. The partner, Carol Wright, was kind and understanding and immediately offered me a job as a paralegal. We both knew that she was getting a great deal, and I think she jumped at the chance to snag me. I would start a week after exams.
And on Saturday, now in early May, I went up to Yonkers again and sat down with Mary in her living room and told her. I don’t know that she was happy about it. I do think she understood and, as she promised three weeks earlier, she told me she would support me in any way she could, including allowing me to move into her house come September when I would have to give up the Apartment.
All of these changes were more than enough for me. I got into compartmentalize mode and focused on school, even if it might be my final term.
Kerry: Moot Court
Things were super busy. In particular, I had to prepare for moot court. It’s a rite-of-passage. Teams of two first-years—I signed up with Marie from our study group—get a package of materials and have to write a brief for one side or the other, with each side having two issues. Then you go before a panel of three alums and argue an appeal. It’s the first real-world test we get although it’s moot, not real.
As to Suzanne, I did not know what to do. Short of dropping a brick on her head, I could not get her attention. I felt like such a dick, but I tried.