Amanda
The next morning I was blushing in front of him, while he was slowly making our morning coffee. It was Sunday, Mable was still sleeping she had a really long day yesterday.
“I think it’s cute how you blushed when I looked at you, knowing what you had demanded from me last night.” He was teasing me, clearly realized that I was keeping everything behind the bedroom door.
“So, I need to start working on my paintings my agent has been texting me since yesterday…” I safely changed the subject, making him laughed at me.
“Baby, you had one done already and I quite like it…” he gave my coffee, while deliberately stating his opinion on his naked painting.
“Never pegged you for an exhibitionist, but that painting was a one-off thing… do you really think is good?” I was seriously asking him, Riley was not mistaken when he said that I’m a closet artist.
I knew that I was good at painting, but I never think that I was that good. I realized it was because of Troy. But when you had the words planted in your head for years, it would eventually sipped into your conscious and made you doubt yourself.
Though Riley boost my confidence, but he was my agent and it was his job to make me confident and keep on painting, and making him more money.
“Look, I haven’t seen your other works. But what I did see was passion and a lot had gone onto that canvas, I really think you’re very good at painting. Hey, you even sold them right? So that means that other people like it too.” He was stating the obvious facts.
“Mm hm… I guess…” that was all I managed to say to him before my phone buzzed.
“Aiden? What? Are… are you sure it’s him? No… I guess, yes… I’m good. No, I’m with Dale. No, dad told me to meet them tomorrow… yes with you too he said… right, okay… thank you… bye…” I slumped to my chair and suddenly felt numb.
I didn’t feel any relief, I just felt hollow. I didn’t know how to react to the news, that your abusive ex-husband was killed on his first day in jail.
Discovering that he was no longer shadowing me, that I was free, I didn’t know what to feel.
“Amanda? Is everything okay?” Dale asked looking worried at me.
“Troy… he’s dead… the very first day that he was back in jail… he’s dead.”
It didn’t matter how many times I repeat the fact that he was dead, I still felt hollow… like nothing was taken any effect. I should feel something, but I didn’t.
And it bothered me…
Dale didn’t say anything, his demeanor was unreadable. He just looked at me, studying me under his gaze and I was not ready for his pity.
I need to leave…
I was back in his bedroom, putting on my jeans and my hoodie.
“I… I need to go back… thank you for the coffee…” I hesitated with my decision, but I knew that I need to gather my thoughts and accept his death.
“Manda baby… wait…” Dale was trying to stop me but then he looked at Mable’s door, knowing that she would wake up any moment and he had to be there.
“Tell her, I’ll see her again in a couple of more days,” I told him, then looked at Mable’s room.
I was out the door seconds later, leaving him behind with one last look. Minutes later I reached Angelica’s. I locked the door behind me and slumped down to the floor.
I wanted to feel something but I couldn’t, all the abuse that Troy had done to me, it had left me feeling nothing for him.
Must’ve been hours later, since I had been sitting down on the floor when my door was knocked. I didn’t want to answer it, knowing that it might be Dale. So I just sat there quietly and waited till the other person on the other side of the door goes away.
“Amanda darling it’s us, please open up. We came bearing your food and drinks, come on honey… I know you’re in there. It’s just me and the girls…”
It was Angelica, Dale must’ve called her. He knows I couldn’t say no to her. I slowly got up and open the door for them.
“Honey, come here…” Angie gave me her pity hug, while Emilie and Amber walked into the apartment with the said food and drinks. Amber went straight to the kitchen, and take out some glasses and while Emilie waited for me.
“Amanda darling, this is a beautiful day, Troy is dead. Your ticking bomb is gone, we should celebrate.” Amber as usual said things that made sense, why was I so worked up by his death?
I took the drink that Amber had just made and sipped it slowly. I was liking the warming effect it gives to my body.
“Amber, wow… you really know the drink for all kinds of situations. I’m liking this one, it gives me warmth…” I said honestly.
Then I finally bare it all to them, Emilie was hugging me, rubbing my back. Ever since she became a mom, she had been very motherly to all of us, very protective like Amber would when we were all still living our party days. But now they had all find their husbands, and Angie was following their path quickly.
“… the minute I found out about Troy, I try to feel something. But I can’t and it bothered me. I mean, it was just a hollow feeling. I felt nothing… I should feel something right? a kind of relief? a sick feeling of happiness? maybe even a crazy feeling of overwhelming sadness? but… I can’t feel anything…” I looked at the window trying to remember the earlier stages of our marriage, but I couldn’t bring myself to remember it.
“You can talk to a professional if it really bothered you that much, or you can talk to us…” Amber said while tasting her drink.
“Or… you can paint it out, you did a hell of a job with Dale there…” Angie smirked at me.
“I remembered Trisha said that she had one of her painters finished an entire collecting of painting after his girlfriend walked out on him and it was exceptionally good…” Angelica continued.
“Trisha the gallery owner, she is Shane’s wife… the club owner of Player. Don’t tell me you didn’t remember her, you’ve met her already. I swear too many kids will do that to your brain Emilie… you really need to slow down on the baby-making.” Amber scolded Emilie when she asked about Trisha.
“Yeah, maybe I’ll try later. But since all of you are here, please cloud my thoughts with all of the other insignificant issues other than mine.” I smiled at them, and eat my favorite triple chocolate cake from Barney’s that they brought while drinking Amber’s Russian coffee.
They spent the whole day with me talking and laughing, while still waiting for me to unload my feeling but I still couldn’t feel anything. Until it was late in the evening and they all had said goodbyes, and back to their loved ones.
I thought of going to Dale’s, but then finally remembered what Angelica said about the painter. So, I changed to my old overalls for painting and start laying out my tubes and set up a fresh canvas.
Looking at the blank canvas, my mind wandered aimlessly. Again, I still felt nothing, minutes went by. I grabbed a cold beer then back to staring at the blank canvas. An hour into staring at the canvas it hits me, I quickly open the tubes and start putting colors onto the palette.
Green, blue, red, pink, white, and more colors were smeared onto the palette. I started mixing several colors and put it onto the canvas, layer after layer over the primer. I still didn’t know what I was painting and I didn’t even care, just as Angelica said, I need to let my feeling out.
And it was finally out…