A few hours later, we didn’t talk about it anymore, nor did we look each other in the eye. Phoebe just said nothing, and walked away, locking herself inside her own little world. I also isolated myself in mine. The night seemed to have taken forever to pass since then, and the next morning, when I opened my eyes and found a suitcase on the bed and its empty seat, I felt something akin to despair.
Wearing a pair of underwear and shirt, I went downstairs and searched the entire house for Phoebe, silent.
She was sitting on a chair in the living room, looking through the French windows. The hollow in my chest was replaced by relief.
“There’s a suitcase on the bed.” “I said, standing behind you.” She didn’t look at me when she replied:
“I feel comfortable wearing this sweatshirt,” she said, referring to the yellow sweatshirt that was much bigger than her body.
I approached, and Phoebe must have heard my footsteps, because she looked over her shoulder, dropped her head, and hugged herself.
“I couldn’t find it anywhere, so I remembered that I still hadn’t unpacked it. I walked a little closer, and when I leaned down to kiss her forehead, she tugged at my shirt, making my lips meet hers.
My eyes met hers.
– What was this?
She shrugged, hugged my neck, and I knelt in front of her.
– You’re right. We don’t need to be sure about all this. We just need to feel. It’s not wrong, right? she asked, her eyes searching mine, and when I nodded, I saw a smile stretch her soft lips. I laid my head in her lap.
– You scared me. I thought it was gone. Phoebe dipped a few fingers through the strands of my hair, and feeling her tender touch, I kissed her thigh. “Or at least that you were thinking about it.”
“Would you go after me?”
– Perhaps.
– What does that mean?
I lifted my head.
“It means I can’t decide this for you, Phoebe. So as much as I like it all, that doesn’t mean I’m not scared. This is so intense and good…I’ve never felt any of it. That’s why I feel…
– Lost.
I nodded.
“I let them make decisions for me my whole life, and when I finally decided to drop everything, I realized my own decisions weren’t so good. This means that I didn’t have common sense in the choices.
‘You can’t blame yourself for what happened to Lauren. It was never your fault.
“What if I had something to do with it?” What if my selfishness made her turn away from me? What if I look like that to you?
“Sexy and possessive.” – She said. I frowned. “You are sexy and possessive. You want something that you think is good for you, while letting him have it for you too.
– Forgiveness. – I said. Phoebe stared at me for a few seconds. “You’re not just a pussy with legs. It seems that everything lately has been restricted to that.
“This is a deal between adults, Chance. We knew it could go wrong, yet we didn’t really think it would. Maybe it’s better not to stop being what you are until the end.
– What?
“You can’t get carried away by all of this. You cannot get carried away by what I do to you. Can’t fall in love.
“I have Lauren. I would never fall in love with another woman.
She wanted to hit me, and maybe she could, but I would make her feel the same too.
– That’s right. She need’s you. We’ve had enough time to think, and even if this is really wrong, nothing matters. I’m just a temporary thing.
A diversion.
Something that doesn’t last.
Still, I couldn’t look at her face. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t feel a knife piercing my chest.
Phoebe could make my soul bleed, and for the first time, surrendered, I let her do it.
I no longer had the strength to fight the feeling that invaded me. It was like waves; they came and went, always in the same rhythm, now it broke and broke, now it shattered and corroded.
I couldn’t stop it anymore, but I managed to give her what she wanted.