Dammit! I hate the fact that I understand her pliant. I hate the fact that this is my life, and I hate the fact that I’m the one suffering for the sake of another’s happiness again.
For once, I don’t want to be good, or caring, or kind. For once, I want to be selfish, covetous and stubborn.
“He’ll love you, trust me. And if anything had happened before your accident, I’m sure he already forgave you” I replied soothing her worries.
“How do you know that? Are you two close?” She asked surprising me.
The plan was not to let her know the relationship between Markian and I, but stupidly I just blurted out a bit of truth that I now need to defend with another lie if I want all this to end very soon.
“No… we are not close at all. It’s just that, Markian seems like the kind of man who believes you only love once in one lifetime. He seems like the kind of man that would decide to live with the memories of his first love for the rest of his life. He’s the kind of man that holds to heart the holy vows of marriage and never goes back on his word…” I replied automatically without even realizing tears falling down my cheeks.
It took Sophia’s soft touch on the back of my palm to jolt me back to reality as I reminisced my journey with Markian.
I chuckled nervously as I tried to hide my breaking heart behind a frozen smile.
“… All I’m trying to say is that, Markian will love you and trust you any day, anytime. Because you are his wife and his first love” I included plainly, but those last words were the hardest to form.
Because she’s his wife that’s the reason why I’m giving up. Because she’s his first love, the reason why he didn’t accept my love at the beginning, that’s why I’m taking steps back. And because she’s my sister that’s the reason why my child would have to grow without it’s father.
“I pray so, I really do. But right now, I’m really freaking out. So, maybe next time, please? I want to be both emotionally and mentally ready when I finally reunite with my husband. Please, promise me you’ll help me until then, promise me” she pleaded politely.
If one good thing came out of all these, it’s the fact that Sophy was now a different person- good different.
The old Sophy never pleaded for anything, neither does she take into consideration her emotional or mental balance when facing a challenge.
I wanted to- I really wanted to tell her that I already have a plane ticket to Canada and might not be around for their reunion, but I couldn’t.
“Oh stop it… of course I’ll be here for you, I promise. I’m your sister after all, ain’t I?” I said with a sad smile that barely covered how I was truly feeling.
Like a fool, I’m diving head first into these knowing it might end up killing me. But I’m Livy Luthel… if I can’t protect the people I claim I love, then I’m nothing but a broken promise.
“Thank you for being here and for being someone I can trust. I swear, if you hadn’t called my name, or if you had treated me like you didn’t know who I was when I first approached you, I would have ended my life after you leave the park that evening.” She commented holding both my hands.
I may have done that to her? If I had done things differently that evening she would have died? It’s understandable though since she had nowhere else to go.
She had told me that the family that took care of her didn’t have much and she felt like she was creating more trouble for them that’s why she left.
I was starting to feel overwhelmed, so I kissed her hand and stood up to leave the library.
Why was fate testing me so harshly? I thought as I walked up the stairs to the hallway that led to my room. On one hand was my sister who I really wish the best for, but the best for her turned out to be my husband who was hers first.
And on the other hand is the man I’ve loved my whole life, but afraid that love maybe a hindrance to what he had with my sister.
I fell to the cold floor the moment I entered my room and shut the door behind me. My tears flowed uncontrollably, but they weren’t washing alway these burdens neither were they bringing any sort of relief to my aching heart.
No matter how I looked at things, there’s only one solution to end this and that’s me disappearing from both Markian and Sophy’s lives for good.
This was not my story in the first place.
The time is 8:25pm and I was preparing to go to bed. I stopped having meals with Markian altogether, and stayed late at the office even though I’ve got no work at all.
It’s better these way, the further I was away from them, the easier it was to keep the secrets from both parties.
On Sophy’s arrival and job description, I was careful to state out adhesively the places that were out of bounds for her and that includes Markian’s bed room, the study, the living room, kitchen and the entire 1st floor and ground floor.
Even though I’ve decided to disappear from their lives, it doesn’t mean I want to leave on a bad note with both of them. Which was why it was important that I revealed Sophia to Markian since I brought her into our, but she said she needed more time and I understandably obliged.
I heard my phone vibrate just as I was about to go to bed, and I checked to see a text message from Markian.
See me in my study immediately! the message read.
I didn’t know when my phone fell from my hand and landed on the bed. I looked as my hands trembled rapidly and I could literally see my heart trying to jump off my chest.
In less than seconds I could feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead and neck. I held my chest with my right hand and I started to chant,
“it’s nothing. Nothing happened. Relax. Maybe he just wants to talk. It’s Markian we are talking about, maybe he’s upset about something else. So relax”.
I got these way all week whenever I saw a missed call or a text message from him. It’s harder keeping secrets and telling lies than it is to tell the truth.
I practically dragged myself out of the door and past 2 rooms before Markian’s study. The door to his study was slightly open but I didn’t have the courage to push it wider so I could enter.
The hallway was dead quiet and exceptionally cold tonight even though I’m sweating like a monkey.
“Enter!” I heard Markian growl from his study.
Or was I mistaken? It doesn’t sound like him at all. Should I just go back to my room and wait till he’s calm down? But I pushed the door open anyway due to fear.
And as it flew open in what seemed like a slow motion, I first saw Markian with a devilish fury masquerading his face as he sat on his seat with his elbows on the table and his hands in a fist under his chin.
Seeing those icy blue eyes sending daggers towards me, I couldn’t help but remember when he didn’t love me. I haven’t seen this look in his eyes in months, just like the night we first got married. Whatever took him back to his mean old self, means I’ve lost.
As the door flew wider I could see another image in the shadow close to the shelves beside Markian.
Oh God, no! Please don’t be Sophia- I beg of you, please, I pleaded in my already messed up mind.
So, there I was standing at the door with Markian looking at me with so much anger and hatred I never knew I’ld ever see again, as the image beside him started to materialize into my worst nightmare.
Suddenly everything disappeared from within me. My senses, my mind, my heart- everything just stopped.
I held my chest with both hands as I stood frozen to the entrance, the feeling of being strangled by their gaze caused a sudden nausea within me.
I looked at Sophia- who held a picture frame in her hand with a photo of me and Markian, with pleading eyes, but she threw it to the ground so hard it shattered as it slid towards me.
I could see the tears streaming down her face as she looked at me with umbrage in her eyes like I was some traitor and betrayer.
“If I had known just how despicable you were, I never would have trusted you in the first place” Markian cited with so much bitterness and hatred, his words threw me to the ground.
It was always meant to go down this way anyway, it’s my fate to lose everything- it wasn’t mine in the first place.