Livy
I couldn’t control my tears, they flowed down uninterruptedly, I bet I could bath in it.
Why exactly was I crying? Could it be the fact that for a brief moment there I completely surrendered my body to a man who wasn’t mine and might never be mine, or could it be that at the end of everything that just happened, I’m the one who got the short end of the stick?
I tried to stop myself from crying, but I couldn’t. I was beginning to look pathetic, at least that’s what my mother would have said.
My eyes and head were hurting, and so was my heart. Tonight, without a push or any physical pressure, my heart was totally shattered.
I felt empty and cold like I was standing on ice, nothing had changed.
I thought maybe, just maybe something physical could just be a stepping stone in our relationship, but I was wrong.
I would never get anything out of these marriage, he said it himself, but I thought I could get things done my own way.
I was treated worse than trash tonight and it doesn’t feel nice. I haven’t felt this worthless before, and it feels so dry.
I gathered my strength and walked over to the couch where I laid curled up in a ball.
I needed a safe place, somewhere that was not my current reality but for how long?
I was sad but above all I was pissed, the way he treated me tonight was unsettling and I was done with it.
The reason why I can’t be were he is, may be because I’m so timid, I know these well. And with such attitude i know I’ll never find a place in his life for myself, so maybe it’s time to stop.
But deep down I knew that once the sun rises tomorrow, I’ll go back to my default setting, so why bother?
That realization alone made me understand just how much my mother was right about me all these years, so i just cried away my frustration. I must have cried myself to sleep because I didn’t hear him come out of the bathroom.
It was 2:25am in the morning and I was jerked awake but some unsettling hands.
When I opened my eyes, they searched the room and landed on Markian’s face.
He looked perplexed, what was wrong with him? I wondered. Did he have a bad dream or something?
It took just a split second for the pain to hit, then I realized that the look on his face was actually that of pure worry.
I have never seen him this way before now, hell, I thought nothing fazes him. Was he really concerned about me or was this just him pretending again, so I’ll let my guide down?
I removed his hands from my shoulders and attempted to sit upright when the pain hit me again and I cringed in pure agony.
He held me close and helped me to sit upright steadily, but once again I shrugged his hands away from where they rested on my shoulders.
I bit my lower lips and pinned my nail into the couch to help stop me from groaning in pain.
I must have unintentionally woken up ‘His Royal Highness’ with my groaning while I was asleep.
I was about to tell him that I was sorry for waking him up and that he should go back to sleep, but was interrupted before I could form the words in between another horrible cramp.
“What’s wrong? Is your stomach hurting… what should I do? Should I call for an ambulance, or maybe I should take you to the hospital myself? Are you in so much pain? I think you might be running a temperature, so let’s just go to the hospital ok? I’ll take you there.” he inquired and suggested all at the same time.
I’ve never seen nor imagined that there was this side to Markian, a side that was caring and considerate.
He tried to put the back of his palm on my forehead, but I flinched away from his touch, even if a part of me wanted to enjoy this moment a while longer.
This moment when Markian is actually being nice to me is happening for real, right? I’m not imagining it, was I?
Just few hours ago, he had me on that bed completely at his mercy but called me shameless, and told me he can’t even pretend to want to be with me.
No, it’s not real, he’s not getting me this time. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me- I just can’t fall for this.
I suddenly felt very nauseous and was about to throw up, so I pushed his hand away which intended on giving me a comforting rub on my back- or at least I thought that was what he wanted to do, and I ran into the bathroom.
I threw up to my heart’s content, with the entire dinner I had with Daniel all gone down the drain.
The cramps and the headache felt like a hole was being bored inside my head and lower abdomen, I didn’t even notice him standing right next to me.
Oh wow, now this was embarrassing. I look like a mess and even worse, I smelled terrible.
He bent down to hold my hair up, but I pushed his hands away and hurried to the sink to rinse my mouth.
I stayed in front of the sink looking at my reflection in the mirror while holding my lower abdomen with one hand as I tried to stifle the pain.
I looked at the corner where He stood through the mirror and saw him looking at… was he really staring at my butt right now? I was furious and suddenly turned towards him.
“You… you have blood st…” he mumbled, while I quickly turned and realized my dress had a blood stain on it.
Oh my God, could tonight get any worst?!
I tried to hide it with my hands and asked him to leave, while I flushed with embarrassment.
When he left, i locked the door, undressed and made my way to the shower to get myself cleaned up.
When I got out, I could barely walk with the dizziness and pain I was feeling. So I just sat at the corner and realized I didn’t come in with a sanitary pad or a change of clothes.
I kept cringing in pain and was almost knocked out by it about, when 10mins later, I heard a knock on the door. I knew it was Markian, but I didn’t want to see him.
When I didn’t answer, “I have somethings you might need, I’ll just leave them here by the door” he said, dropping off something by the door and left.
At first I was reluctant to stand up, but my stubbornness won’t help me in here, so I gently opened the bathroom door and found my night wear neatly folded on the floor with a bottle of water. I reached out and grabbed them, the shut the door again.
When I unfolded the cloth, I found a tampon, one of my panties and a small pharmacy drug bag. At this point all my anger faded away like tiny whispers, and my chest became so warm and comforted.
I didn’t want to doubt if his concern towards me was real or fake anymore, I just wanted to be close to him and in his arms, even though I might regret it later when I get rejected and humiliated again.
Typical Livy, I thought as I got dressed and slipped in the tampon- it was my first time using one so it felt strange. I took the pain reliever and headed out of the bathroom confidently.
I got a fright when I saw him stand by the bathroom door, was he probably waiting for me?
“You can sleep on the bed with me tonight, the couch is a bit messed up…” he said, clearing his throat as my eyes darted to the red blood stain on the couch and I cringed in horror.
I quickly averted my eyes and walked to one side of the bed and laid down quietly without saying a word, once again embarrassed. That pain reliever kicked in fast and before I knew it, I drifted asleep.