Sophia’s POV
This particular phase of my life felt like a repeated phase. Some kind of déjà vu.
The first time, I remember, was when I left Jared, to go away, far away with the pregnancy he wasn’t ready for. When a man starts giving you the cold heads, you gotta get the memo and realise he isn’t in for it anymore. I still can’t remember how I survived without him. I was miserable, sad, and depressed like all the time. I became so stressed; extremely stressed, that started drinking and doing drugs to to keep my head off my own thoughts. I was so into it that I became careless of what effect it might have on my baby. And it did have an effect! A bad one. I had a miscarriage. That was how it went down. I had lost my baby! And it was only one I was ever going to get. The cleansing process had caused me fertility. The alcohol and drugs had completely damaged my womb and hence I was damn to never be able to conceive again. I had lost my pride as a woman.
But Jared had still accepted me as I was. He had taken me back again with everything; and we were happy; very happy; I thought so, until one night:
What night? The same night I suggested we adopt a little girl I had come across. I came across this little girl suffering from pneumonia in the hospital. The child had seemed to be seriously ill and dying. I was doing my monthly checkups when I saw her. She was just so beautiful and peaceful even though she was probably in tremendous pain. When I had asked, a nurse told me she was orphaned and if she survived that, she was to be put into foster care. Her guardian whom she thought was also very underage could not afford for her hospital bills.
I thought of it as the perfect coincidence. If we could help this little girl get better, we could adopt her. I told myself if Jared would accept, then we would adopt her. She would complete our family. But I was wrong! The idea infuriated him: he couldn’t even give the chance to explain it to him. He told me he’d rather have his own blood than adopt another’s. It stunk like a silver blade through the heart. Jared had indirectly told me he wanted something I could never give him. Tears flowed down my face. Caught in his guilt, he left the house and only came back the next morning. He apologized like he had sinned big time. I didn’t care, I loved him and we made up. Everything was perfect! Only for Maraïda to happen two months later.
I tolerated her for Jared’s sake for almost three months! But I realised as well, I was only killing myself. I was swimming and drowning in self pity. She was going to give something I could never give him. Sometimes the fact would hurt so badly I felt like running away again. But my love for Jared had stupidly blinded me. So much so that I couldn’t even see the obvious.
“I have lost! Officially!” I thought out loud. I was in in small café in the mall with a friend. My best friend Anita had taken me out for a change of the scenery from my hotel room. It was a bad idea. The cafe was directly opposite a mothercare shopping center. All the adorable baby stuff made me sick, choked and drained, “I have lost everything Annie!”
“For heaven’s sake Sophia! Stop sounding like that!” Annie grumbled. She had gotten tired of my constant sulking. Who wouldn’t? It was literally all I did lately. “You’re still young and beautiful, there’s so much more out there for you. You haven’t lost anything. Jared Shenko is just another man with billions in his accounts that makes him feel like he owns the world. Without that, he’s nothing. Stop putting your life around him just because of some stupid mistake.” She told me. She was right. That was exactly what I wanted to do; but I guessed I must have really had my entire life around Jared that being without him, was like taboo to me, so I kept on being miserable. I feared what I might get back into if could not get over him as soon as possible.
“Just chill for now OK? You will get over him in time. For now, just savour your good coffee” Annie said again. I knew for one, she was trying to stop me from talking about my feelings. She was aware of what they could get me to do if I thought too much about them.
As I lifted the warm mug to my face, I saw a lovely furry dress walk out of the mother care boutique. I remembered that dress! I had bought it for her; for Maraïda. She looked like a happy sunflower walking out of the store. Her baby bump now already undeniably big. I felt my insides churn. As if me seeing carry out her baby’s shopping wasn’t enough to salt my wounds, she saw me, then walked towards me, smile stupidly at me.
“Annie let’s go,” I told Annie who couldn’t comprehend why,
“What? But why? We just got here!”
“Yes Sophia! Why? Why are you leaving? You haven’t even finished your coffee. I thought I’d like to have some coffee too, but the doctor said it wouldn’t be good for our daughter; Jared’s and mine. Our daughter. So we are taking all the precautions necessary.”
“Oh so that why,” Annie spoke, “I thought I smelled something cheap and sneaky around here. Turns out it was you.” Maraïda laughed sarcastically,
“OK I am not going to be bothered by what you just said because you are literally insignificant here, so, shut the fuck up, would you be so kind?”
My fingers went into a tight fist. I knew exactly what she was trying to do, but I wasn’t going to let her. I already forfeited my place in Jared’s life for her, but that didn’t mean she was going to have it easy.
“Oh hey Maraïda! Well this coffee,” I picked up the cup, “is black and bitter. It might not be good for your baby, but it could be good for your soul. So you can have my remains; just like you’re trying to have my husband. But let me remind you this Maraïda; I am still his legal wife. You? Are just a pitiful, deranged surrogate. You have his baby now, but what else do you have Maraïda? So if I were you, I’d enjoy this moments. Jared will dispose of you like the garbage you are when he finally has his baby. ” I grabbed my purse for a dramatic exit, “and see a psychiatrist too. You’re crazy.” Then I walked away.
I didn’t even want to turn and enjoy the look on her face. I just wanted to run far away, to hide and cry.