Nate’s POV
I stared at the man who sat opposite me and groaned in anger as he kept tapping his pen on his jaw.
” What kind of a therapist are you? I thought Mr Jenkins said you’re one of the best!” I blurted out angrily. The man didn’t budge he just kept on doing what he was doing before, scribbling something in his note pad.
” I’ve been here for two days, hoping you can give me a reason behind why I’m such a jackass and why I almost killed someone’s friend because of my irrational decisions – as you called it, but all you’ve been doing is to waste my time”
The man just smiled, brushed his blonde hair backward, and slid his hands through his beards as his black eyes were lost in thought.
” I’m so fucked” I said shaking my head.
” I can’t believe I told you stuff I’ve never told anyone before and you can’t even tell me what’s wrong with me?”
” Answer this question ”
” No, I’m tired of answering questions!” I growled and he chuckled.
” You’re quite like my wife, so full of unnecessary angst.”
I scoffed.
” If you’re so pissed why haven’t you left?”
” Can you believe this guy?” I said to no one in particular.
” I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s wrong with me!”
” Then answer these questions.” He said with a kind smile and I sighed.
” How do you feel about what happened with Tory’s friend”
” I don’t care about that. I care, Mr. Banner, that Tory hates me! So… I’m unhappy about it”
He suddenly clapped his hands and his eyes glistened in what I assumed to be excitement and started scribbling something in his note again.
” I know what’s wrong with you. It’s a disorder”
” Ummm…. a what now?”
” Well technically it’s not a disorder yet but it kinda is”
” What are you talking about?”
” It’s called alexithymia,” he said and I blinked at him countless times before I finally opened my mouth to speak.
” What the fuck is that?”
” It’s a kind of personality trait that involves subclinical inability to identify your feelings or other people’s feelings and also the inability to express yourself or describe your emotions. You feel it but you can’t exactly say how you feel it. Also, something that would make an average person sad wouldn’t really bother you.
” How did you come to that conclusion?”
” Dude, I asked you about your mom and all you say is ‘ she’s a mean lady, you don’t wanna know’ whilst groaning and finding the right words to describe her” he said with a smile followed by an eye roll at my obvious surprise.
” Then when I asked you about that girl you’re in love it – Tory, you said ” she’s hot, I’m attracted to her, but I hate her, she’s really cute, no sexy. Fuck I just wanna wipe that smile off of her face.. but I really wanna kiss her’. The entire time, your eyes was screaming ” I’m in love”” he said after reading the words I had said out of his note.
” I’m not in love with Tory, just attracted to her but, I hate her” I said after clearing my throat.
” You’re confused man, you like the girl but you don’t know it”
” I told you, whenever I see her I wanna hurt her”
” But yesterday you said that you wanted to kiss her whenever you see her ”
” Okay, fine! I don’t know okay?! I’m confused”
” Exactly, you can’t identify your feelings, now look at this” he said as he closed his note and gesticulated elaborately.
” You’re here because a girl you claim to hate is pissed at you. Why should you care if you hate her?”
” I…. guess I do care”
” And your mom? Try and tell me why you hate that poor woman”
” Hate?! I DON’T HATE HER. I just…”
I knew how I felt, I knew that the reason I’d been a pain to her was because I was trying to punish her for not being happy with the perfect son I used to be but how do I say this.
” You see the way you’re thinking it in your head? Say it like that. No filters”
” I’ve been a pain to her…. because, because – I was just trying to punish her for…. for not being happy with the perfect son I was, y-you know, to her”
” Great job Nate, though that might be a wise that you don’t use this method all the time to avoid getting into trouble”
” Uh-hun” I said dryly. Though within me, I was glad that I had said that.
” Here’s what I’ve been able to get from the very little you’ve said and the very plenty you’ve shown through your facial expressions”
” Alright?”
” You love your mother”
I sighed and nodded in agreement.
” You’re in love with Tory”
” I am not, I said I’m attracted to her, that’s all”
” Well, you’re seeing a therapist because of her”
” That’s because I feel guilty”
” Dude, stop deceiving yourself. Why do you think those words you heard Tory use in describing you hurt so much?”
” Uhhh they were pretty harsh things to say”
” You said you don’t care about what people say about you.”
” Of course I don’t”
” So why did hers hurt?”
” I… don’t know okay?”
He removed his glasses and cleaned it with a clean cloth on his table.
” It hurt because you liked her, and you expected to be like every other girl who loves you but she didn’t because you’re a jerk, to make matters worse she said those things and you lost it.
Pretty much like how you lost it when your mom said she didn’t love you. So you punished her by being a pain in the side for not loving you, and that’s what you’re doing to Tory.
“Nate you’re in love with her. You even call her Rya. That settles it.”
” How could you know me so well and I don’t even… know myself” I said as I passed my hand through my hair, completely blown away by how true his words were. I AM IN LOVE with Tory. That explains the jealousy whenever she with Rex.
My being here is all because, I want to be better, I want to prove to her that I could make her happy but before I do that I need to fix myself.
” Does this thing have a cure?”
” No”
” What?!” I said , more like yelled really.
” How the hell am I ever gonna get better
” What I mean is that you need to stop relying on the pills you take because the treatment for this is a practical thing, so pills won’t be necessary. I’m talking questionnaires, experimental therapies, mentalisation – based – treatment. For that you’re gonna need a partner, someone who can help you out, say, after school. Because I’m pretty busy right now.”
” Okay” I said breathing a sigh of relief.
” So, any friends that could help?”
” I only have one, but he’s an idiot”
” You’re kidding, a hot teen jock like you doesn’t have friends?”
” Rex was closer to all of them so…”
” Oh… Right. Make a new friend then. This is gonna be easy since you won’t be such a dick to people you love as long as they show you love. Apparently lots of people hate you so you gotta fix that.”
” Thanks, I’ll see what I can do”
” You’re welcome. I’ll prepare a schedule of our meetings from now on. You know you’re here on special request from Jenkins so, I’ll have to make lots of changes on this.”
” That man needs therapy. Sexual ones”
” I concur” he said and I laughed.
As I left the building and started my car, a smile formed on my face as I said to myself ” I’ll fix myself so good that Tory will love me. She has to”