“It was all right.” She looked down at her hands. “Jenny got asked out to her first high school dance.”
“How does that make you feel?”
She thought about it for a moment. “I’m happy for her, because she likes him, but I’m sad too. We always did things together, and we’re growing apart now. She has school, sports and boys, and I have my computer and my canvasses.”
“Have you spent any time with her?”
“No, her parents won’t let her and she can’t drive. Honestly, I don’t know if I want her to waste her time on me. All she got of out defending me was fists.” Doc scribbled some notes, she had told him last year about her friend being attacked at school. “Maybe I should just let her go.”
“Is that what you think will make things better? Have you asked her what she wants?”
Rea looked up at the ceiling. “She wants things to be like they used to be. She just hasn’t accepted that they never will be, not with me.”
He sat up a little. “Why do you think things will never get better?”
She laughed. “Are you kidding me?” She looked at him like he was the one who was nuts. “The first time I went jogging after I got home, someone called the COPS on me because I got tired and was standing on their street. I do all my shopping online, because I can hear every comment made about me, and my Mom doesn’t deserve to hear that. I’ve been expelled from school, and I don’t ever want to return because it would be a living HELL for me.”
“What if you were able to start over? Move somewhere else, enroll in a new school with people who don’t know you?”
She shook her head. “Doc, you need to get with the times. There’s this thing called the Internet? I move to a new town, and within a day EVERYONE will know Rabid Rea is there. Do you know what you find if you Google my name?” He shook his head no. “Do it sometime, then you’ll understand. I’ve come to terms with it, Doc. I just want to get done with school and work on my art. THAT I can do.”
He wrote a few notes, then looked at her. “Your Dad showed me some of your paintings, I was impressed. If you ever want to sell some of them, let me know- I love the ones with the wolves.”
“I can’t sell them,” she said.
“Why wolves? You seem to be fixated on them.”
“I had to do a paper on them for school, and I read some books and watched some documentaries on them. Fascinating animals, they are social, loving, they work together to hunt prey and survive. I started having dreams about them, and I painted my dreams.”
He stopped writing for a moment. “Which one is your favorite?”
“I’m doing a mural in my room right now, taking up a whole wall. Here, I’ve got a photo on my phone. It won’t be done for a while but you get the idea.” She flipped through pictures to find the one, then showed him the wall. A mama grizzly was standing in the middle, surrounded by wolves. Blood dripped from her claws, but blood could be seen matted in her fur from all the bites. More wolves waited in the wings, a few nursing wounds, the rest biding their time. The background hadn’t been filled in yet but the action was unmistakable.
“So you see yourself as a wolf?”
“The world is the wolves, I’m the bear,” she said as she put her phone away. “No matter how strong I am or how hard I fight, there are too many of them and their teeth cut me down. It’s all just too much,” she said.
“The bear isn’t giving up, though.”
“No, the bear is fighting for its life even though its situation is hopeless. At least I can respect the wolves, they are trying to survive too. They are better than the wolves that surround me, who attack me just for fun.”
He looked at the clock, time was almost up. “Have you been hearing the voice?”
“No, she’s been quiet.”
“Good.” He put his notebook away. “For next week, I want you to think about the bear and the wolves. What parts of your life remind you of the bear, and what of the wolves. All right?”
“Sure, Doc.”
“I’m very pleased with your progress, you’ve come a long way since we first started working together. Come on, let’s see your folks.” There weren’t any changes to her drug therapy, so they were out of the hospital and picking up pizza to bring home a few minutes later.
“Do you think I could sell my paintings,” she asked them.
“I don’t know,” Mom said, “They are very good, even the Doctor thought so. Why?”
“I want to save up for a motorcycle,” she said.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, honey,” her Dad said. “When you’ve seen all the motorcycle crashes I’ve seen, you never want a loved one to ride one.”
“Well, it would give me spending money and who knows, maybe I could make a living as an artist when I graduate,” she said. She dropped the motorcycle idea for now. They wouldn’t understand anyway; she needed to feel the freedom and the wind in her hair. She knew that riding would be like her running, an escape from the world.
That night she couldn’t sleep. Walking out of her room, she made her way to the back deck, sitting in a chair with a blanket around her. She looked at the stars, and the full moon high above, and wondered if things would get better.