I staggered back in shock but he matched my steps and pressed closer to me while wrapping an arm around my waist to support my jelly legs.
My back touched my room door as he continued to kiss me fervently. My thoughts were a jumbled mess. One moment I was so agitated about Keith quitting his job and then they were quickly replaced with thoughts of how good it felt to be this close to Ethan. His soft and warm lips were moving against mine as if he was in a hurry. He was probably waiting for me to push him off and wanted to make the most of this moment before it ended. He wasn’t even pausing to breathe and I wasn’t even doing anything. I was just pressed against the door with my arms raised to my sides in surprise and my eyes wide.
My initial instinct was to push him off and tell myself that it never happened until I believe it but there was this force which wasn’t making it happen. It was so strong, I couldn’t do anything for a long time except stand there like a statue as his lips moved at a fast pace all over mine until there wasn’t any part of my lips which were untouched by his and yet he still didn’t stop. My surprise wore off after a few minutes and I surrendered. My shoulders relaxed as I closed my eyes.
Just this once. I’d allow myself the pleasure of this moment which I’d never get again. It was so much more than a mere kiss, I realized after I closed my eyes and felt the weight of his feelings in it. It was us communicating about how strong our feelings had become for each other. What I said earlier was a lie. I didn’t hate him. I liked him so much. All the ignoring I had done about my feelings for him had only resulted in it getting bigger and gaining so much strength that it was capable to knock me off my feet if it wasn’t for Ethan who was holding me to him.
Our feelings were so powerful that it had made me back up against the door and had taken control tonight. I didn’t even resist as the force flooded my mind.
I wrapped my arms around his neck with my hands in his hair, tugging at its ends.
And then I finally responded to him, assuring him in the kiss that I didn’t hate him.
Deep down I had always craved for this sort of connection with him. I’d even fantasized about how it would feel if we did kiss. And now that it was happening, it was so much better than how I had imagined it.
I blocked out all the thoughts and worries and focused on him, the sensations he gave me, the shiver that ran through my body when his hand bunched up my hair at the back of my head and then travelled down to wrap both his arms around my waist and pull me closer until there wasn’t any space left.
When he realized I wasn’t going to push him away and was actually kissing him back softly, his urgent kiss slowed down to a soft and passionate one.
We were in perfect synchronicity and pace. Our lips were hot against each other and our fingertips running on each other’s bodies left imaginary trails which could only be felt.
We were kissing for a long time but when we finally pulled away to breathe after what seemed like an eternity, I opened my eyes hesitantly and saw… Heather in front of me. She was crying. She looked heartbroken and equally angry. She was screaming at me but I couldn’t hear her.
I felt two hands caress my face and I blinked and she was gone. I was looking into a pair of warm chocolate brown spellbinding eyes that were staring at me with adoration and so much more.
It was Ethan in front of me with a big smile on his face and then he brought his face closer to mine and I realized he was going in for another kiss.
No. I couldn’t allow this the second time. Not after I saw Heather in my imagination.
Before our lips met for the second time, I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him away.
He looked surprised and hurt by my rejection.
“Juliet, what’s wrong?” He asked, cupping my face as he searched my eyes as if he can get the answer in it. He probably would if we kept looking at each other any longer.
I backed away quickly but there wasn’t any space left for me to move.
“This shouldn’t have happened,” I said sharply, my tone accusing. I knew it was partly my fault as well that this happened and I knew fully well that I was going to regret this the moment it was done, but still at that moment I really wanted it to happen. Just once, I had promised myself and I wasn’t going to allow a second time.
“What?” He took a step forward and reached out for my hands but I put my hand up to stop him.
“I’m tired. I have to go to bed. And this? never? happened.”
I quickly opened my room door and just as quickly shut it on his face.
Raking my hands through my hair in frustration, I finally let the dam inside me which was brimming with guilt break and flood me with self loathing and regret. I knew tonight I wasn’t going to get any sleep as I had a packed schedule of crying, cursing at myself, screaming into a pillow at my stupidity, overthinking my existence, imagining dangerous scenarios where Heather found out what happened just now, situations where my secret would be revealed and Ethan finding out about it and telling me that he didn’t like me anymore, Olivia finding out about it and hating me forever and calling me a hypocrite and just aimlessly staring up at the ceiling for hours. There would also be a little bit of me being happy and replaying the kiss over and over again until I looked like a tomato with all the blushing.
***
Like I had predicted, I did not get a wink of sleep last night and I did all the things I was sure I would.
Now I had a small headache which was further keeping me away from sleep.
It was five in the morning, the air was a little chilly and I debated over whether I should stay put in bed or get some coffee and watch the sunrise which I had been doing for a few days now.
I decided to go with the latter because coffee will help me with the headache and also if I got a craving for it later on, it might risk me running into Ethan on the way.
So I silently trudged downstairs, being as quiet as a mouse when I passed by his door. I didn’t hear any movements from his room so he must be asleep which made me mad because what he had done a few hours ago did not allow me to sleep at all but he had no problem like that.
After I made a steaming cup of coffee for myself, I decided to make some Nutella sandwiches too in case I got hungry later.
The kitchen felt cold and lifeless without Keith and I had already started to miss him. I wasn’t going to forgive that guy so easily. He left me without a goodbye, making me regret the last time I saw him. Had I known it was the last time, I would’ve held onto him a little longer until I could commit his voice and smell into my memory.
As I was stuffing a spoonful of Nutella in my mouth, lost in my thoughts, I didn’t really pay attention to the footsteps that approached me until I saw a figure standing in front of me in my peripheral vision so I was quite startled when I saw Ethan right before me on the other side of the kitchen island.
I wasn’t prepared to face him. I didn’t expect him to be here at this time. He was supposed to come about half an hour later, that was the whole reason why I had to step out of my room so I could avoid him at breakfast.
But now that he was here, I had to act normal. I had to act as if the kiss last night didn’t affect me, as if it didn’t steal my good night’s sleep, as if it didn’t occupy my mind for six hours straight and as if it didn’t unleash my feelings for him like a dam breaking and the water flooding – uncontrollable, unpredictable and dangerous.
I gripped at the tray containing my sandwich and coffee. I refused to acknowledge his presence. Taking my breakfast with me, I prepared to exit the kitchen but his soft voice stopped me in my tracks.
“Juliet.”
It wasn’t even my name and yet it made my heart flutter.