Logan (age 12):
“Maryanne do you really think this is a good idea, I mean shouldn’t I be home schooled or something?” I begged not wanting to start at a new school.
“Boy you are not staying at home hiding yourself away. It’s not healthy and I won’t have it. Your mother would not have wanted that for you.”
I was silenced by that because the mere mention of my mother brings nothing but sadness and anger. I know Maryanne was trying to help me and I loved her for staying with me, but I truly felt that this was not the right thing to do right now.
“Fine.” I simply replied, not wanting to argue anymore.
I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to be anywhere really, I just wanted to be alone in my room away from everyone and everything. But Maryanne is all I have now so I didn’t want to upset her.
So here I am starting at a new school in a different town trying to avoid conversation with anyone because I didn’t want to ever tell anyone about myself.
I didn’t want to advertise that my mother had been murdered, and I certainly didn’t want anyone to know that my father was in prison, I have a hard time dealing with it without being the freak of the new school I was now attending.
I walked into the classroom and of course the teacher wanted me to introduce myself in front of the whole class. I reluctantly walked up there, trying my best not to trip, and I began speaking.
“Ah hi, I’m Logan, I just moved here. I lived about an hour away closer to the city.” I didn’t really want to get into detail so I just kept it at that.
“Very good Logan you can take a seat right there behind Sarah.”
The girl the teacher referred to as Sarah put her hand up to show me where she was, and had a huge smile on her face when she looked at me. Actually when I looked around the room, all the girls seemed to be smiling at me that way. All except for one, she rolled her eyes at the other girls and continued to read her book she had propped up on her desk. I smiled at her obvious annoyance.
The teacher began her lesson and I was back to thinking about how I didn’t want to be here. I was constantly worried that someone was going to ask too many questions, that the closer I got to anyone, they would have to know what happened to me and my family, and I just wanted to keep it hidden away.
The school bell rang and we had to head out to the school yard. I picked up my bag fully intent on finding some far off place in the yard where I could be alone to my thoughts and not have to speak to anyone, somewhere I could be invisible.
I walked in the field in the back and saw a tree I could maybe sit underneath, but when I got there, that girl from class was already there. Still reading her book just now under the tree, she had no friends around her, didn’t seem to mind either.
“Not much of a joiner are you?” I asked, kind of a stupid question.
“Is it that obvious?” She asked with clear sarcasm in her voice.
“Why are you all the way over here by yourself?” I tried again.
“Why are you?” She threw back at me.
“Ah, I don’t know, I guess I just want to avoid all the new kid questions.” I tried to explain, for some reason I felt incredibly comfortable talking to her.
“What new kid questions?” She asked seeming intrigued now.
“I don’t know.” I laughed a little. “I guess where are you from? Whose your mother and father? What do they do?”
She shook her head to that. “Logan you will find that the kids here are a lot more simplistic then that, all the girls want to know is if you have money and if you are hot, and all the boys want to know is how great your jump-shot is.”
“You remembered my name?” I said a bit shocked.
“Well ya, I’m in your class, and I’m not a goldfish.”
I smiled at her sassy answer. “What would you want to know about me?”
She began to slowly smile. “Where are you from? Whose your mother and father? What do they do?”
We both laughed. There was a long pause and I thought, just for a second, I should really get to know this girl. This girl in the shadows who seems to have more insight in what goes on in this school then even the teachers.
“Hey what’s your name?”
“Hey Logan.” I turned around to see a small group of boys coming up the field. “It’s Logan right?”
“Ah ya.” I said looking back at the girl who captured my attention but she had her nose back in her book clearly no longer interested.
“We were about to play basketball and need another guy are you in?” He asked, clearly wanting a quick response.
“Ok sure.” I reluctantly walked away. I took one more look back at the girl under the tree. Hoping that maybe someday soon I could find out her name. Maybe we could be good friends?
From that day onward I was surrounded by people all wanting me to win their games, and go to their parties and date them. I was able to successfully hide myself away in plain sight and I was able to leave that scared boy behind in the back field.
I surrounded myself with these friends that didn’t care where I came from or who my parents were and that was all fine by me. As long as I can never truly be seen by anyone, I won’t ever have to face my life and what it truly was, and maybe I won’t ever be hurt again.