The scariest part isn’t the feeling of loneliness or the darkness surrounding the intense pain or even the depths of ignorance.
It’s the realization that you have intentionally surrendered yourself to isolation, deprived yourself of emotions, lost the ability to smile and sold your soul to agony.
And I had lost the ability to smile. I had lost the ability to feel anything except for that creeping hollow of pain in my abdomen and the strong waves of loneliness in my heart.
I just lay there, in the dark, staring at the blank ceiling. No matter how many times I tried, no matter how many times I called, no matter what I messaged, the response had been the same – none.
I didn’t have tears in me anymore, I wanted to cry. I did. But I was empty. I had cried too much, the pillow had stains all over it and so did my Panda blanket. So instead I just lay there, no idea what day it was, no idea what time. No idea why I was still alive.
Do you know that feeling? When everything is lost. Everything you cared for, gone in a blink. A single mistake, a single choice, affected your soul in ways you didn’t expect.
When I had decided to be the hacker, I hadn’t expected to fall in love with the owner of the code I had hacked.
I hadn’t thought of the consequences and I hadn’t thought of the pain it would bring.
I breathed out through my mouth, the constant crying and weeping had blocked my nose a little. I blinked, looking at the tiny crack in the ceiling, it was nothing compared to the huge void in my heart.
My mind kept rewinding to the day at Alex’s place. The surprise in his face was anticipated, but the hurt and guilt and disgust that joined in later was what broke me every time. He seemed aghast just at the thought of knowing me, loving me was out of the question.
My mind kept making up scenarios, what if I had told him the truth? What if he didn’t have to find it out on his own? Would he understand why I did what I did? Would he still let me in? Would he still give me a chance?
Because that’s all I wanted, one chance to beg for forgiveness, to explain myself, to come clean.
But that chance seemed long gone, disappeared like all traces of my happiness.
A part of me kept waiting for the police to show up at my door and take me to jail. A part of me knew I deserved it but a major part of me knew that Ray was the one who deserved it more.
I bit my lip, whispering to the shadows of misery, remorse and loss. “Why? Why did things end this way? Why didn’t I have the courage to explain myself? Why did I run? Why me? Why?”
If only I could go back in time. If only I could get one more chance. If only.
I suddenly felt thirsty, maybe if I drank water I would have tears to cry more. I turned to grab the bottle and felt more sadness kick in at the sight of an empty bottle.
I opened the lid and turned the bottle upside down but not a single drop of water fell. Even water had decided to leave me.
I considered my options, risk going out and facing Zivah or dying out of thirst.
The second option at this stage seemed better, welcoming even.
But things weren’t working my way, not for a few days now.
“Myra Collins! GET UP! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!”
I wasn’t surprised to hear the harsh shouting, I heard it at least thrice every day.
“No.” I replied meekly, curling into a ball on the bed and wrapping the blanket around me. It wasn’t cold and yet I felt chilly.
“MYRA!” Zivah shouted, continuing to bang on the door. “I will break this door down.” She warned.
I didn’t reply, I just closed my eyes, trying to drown her voice with my dreadful thoughts.
But Zivah wasn’t the one to give up. “It has been a week Myra. You have to eat.”
I wasn’t hungry. I had long lost my appetite.
I waited for more orders, the emotional blackmail card still hadn’t been used. But then I heard a body slumping down and small whimpering sounds.
My head snapped up, my ears straining to hear the voice. And it was so clear, Zivah Chopra was on the other side of the door, crying.
I sighed, contemplating my options. I wanted to open the door and console her but that meant getting out of the bed and out of the room and I still wasn’t done with crying and sinking in my sorrows.
But then I heard Zivah hiccup and it only happened when she was truly sad, so I got out of the bed, standing on my feet and wobbling a little. I felt weak.
As I walked to open the door I glanced at the mirror and winced in repulsion. That filthy thin reflection with dark circles and no glow and hair ashtray was mine? I frowned at myself, when had I become so weak as to hide in a room and cry to sleep every night?
I opened the door and felt my heart break a little more as I saw Zivah curled up in a ball crying.
And then with no respect for my choice, my own tears started to flow. “Why are you crying?” I squeaked out, swallowing the tears.
Zivah glanced up, taking in my miserable appearance and then burst into a whole new set of tears.
I slumped my shoulders, kneeling down beside her. “Why are you crying?” Looking at her, even I had started getting tears in my eyes.
She wiped away the tears on one cheek with the back of her hand. “Why are you crying?”
I sniffed, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. “Because you are crying!”
Zivah gasped a hiccup. “You ignored me!”
“I was in depression!” I wailed, my tone raising a notch as I fought my tears.
Zivah hit my shoulder. “Then you don’t ignore me. I am your best friend.”
I rubbed my nose, sniffing more. “I am sorry.”
Zivah blinked at me with her teary face. “I was so worried.” She sobbed.
My lower lip trembled, feeling guilty for blocking out my best friend. “I know.”
Zivah shook her head, breathing heavily due to all the crying. “No, you don’t. I couldn’t sleep, I haven’t eaten properly. I was really worried.”
I felt more tears drop down my face. I pulled her in for a hug. And for the first time in a whole week I felt content and safe.
Don’t ignore those who are there for you because of those who aren’t.
Zivah hugged back tightly. We were both soaking each other’s shoulders but didn’t care. “I love you.” I whispered, taking deep breaths to calm down the sobbing.
Zivah hiccupped. “I love you too.”
We stayed like that for a while, both not wanting to let go. The comfort was long desired and felt good. Slowly the tears dried out and we leaned back, giving each other sloppy smiles on the messed up faces.
Zivah’s bright smile bought me a sense of relief I hadn’t expected and I realized that instead of isolating myself and my dark thoughts, I should have talked about it and shared my feelings.
“I’ll make some Maggi.” Zivah said, getting up from the floor. “You must eat. And tea, I’ll make tea too.”
I stared as Zivah went into the kitchen, a small smile on my face.
I had no idea what I deserved to get a friend as amazing as her but I wasn’t going to complain.
I got up and followed her, grabbing a water bottle from the kitchen and emptying it half. I really was thirsty.
“You should call Athena and Evan. They are really anxious.” Zivah said.
I sat on the chair nearby, shrugging a shoulder. I wasn’t ready to face them just yet, maybe tomorrow. “Later.” I replied.
Zivah didn’t argue. “Do you want egg or cheese in it?”
“Cheese.”
After a few minutes, Zivah placed a bowl of Maggi and a cup of tea in front of me, “Here, eat.”
“Thanks.” I whispered, my stomach making a grumbling sound.
Zivah raised her eyebrows. “When was the last time you ate?”
I stared at the Maggi on my fork, trying to remember. “I had an Oreo yesterday.” I said in a low voice.
Zivah sighed, shaking her head in resignation.
We both didn’t say a word, as our bowls emptied and the tea in cups disappeared.
I lightly touched my stomach, suddenly feeling full. Just Maggi and tea was enough for me now, my stomach was no longer used to eating a lot. I sighed, this mentally depressed isolation had affected my physical health too.
Zivah got up and cleared the plates.
“I’ll wash up.” I said, getting up.
Zivah shook her head. “No, pick a movie.”
I frowned at her. “What?”
She pointed at the screen. “Pick a movie from Netflix.”
I blinked at her. “Don’t you want to talk?”
Zivah tilted her head, scanning my face. “Are you ready to talk?”
I looked at my feet, I wasn’t. I still didn’t know what to say and how to explain my actions.
“The movie then.” Zivah said, turning back to wash the dishes.
I walked towards the couch and turned on the screen to Netflix, going through a bunch of movies. All I could see were romantic comedies and I didn’t want to see them, they would just make me feel like I could never find love. Or at least not the love that lasts.
The sudden blaring of the ringtone made me jump up.
“That’s mine.” Zivah shouted. “Can you see who it is?”
I leaned over to pick up her cell from the table, surprised to see my brother’s name. ‘Lucas.’
“It’s Lucas.”
“He’s dead worried about you, please pick up?”
I took a few calming breaths before picking up the call.
“Took you long enough, how’s my baby sis?”
That was the first time I had heard him call me baby sis and it wasn’t in a condescending tone, in fact it was concerned. And I felt a strange feeling of tranquility climb up my toes into my heart. Even though we weren’t that close, he cared. And that meant a lot.
“She’s good.” I breathed out, urging myself to not burst into another set of emotional waterworks.
I could hear Lucas’s breath hitch as he recognized my voice. “Myra.”
I smiled slightly. “Yes, Lucas.”
“Oh thank God, you are okay.” I could hear the relief in his tone. “I was so worried. You weren’t picking up your call and Ziv said that you weren’t even coming out of your room, not eating, not drinking. I was going to come a few days back but the work here is a bitch. But I’ll come by next weekend okay?”
I pressed my lips together, fighting grateful tears. “Okay.” I whimpered.
There was a pause. “Are you crying?”
I scoffed. “No.” I lied, sniffing.
“Myra.” Lucas’s tone grew upset. “Do I need to murder someone?”
No, this is all my fault. I thought to myself. “I am fine Lucas. Thanks.”
He didn’t argue. “You know you can talk to me right?”
“I know now.” I said.
“Good, now I have a meeting so I need to go. But please don’t quarantine yourself now. We are there for you. Eat properly, I don’t want white hair and worry lines on my forehead. You know how handsome I look, can’t have you changing that.”
I snorted out a laugh. “Yes, I know.”
I couldn’t see Lucas’s smile but I could hear it in his voice. “Take care of yourself sis.”
I smiled. “I will, bro. You too take care.”
I cut the call and sighed, leaning my head back.
There were people who cared, why was I thinking that I was all alone?
Zivah’s cell rang again.
“Pick it up.” Zivah said, smiling at me as she sat down next to me.
It was Athena so I picked up the call.
“Hi Zivah, is she dead yet?”
I snorted at that. “No she is not.”
The sudden silence made me smile more.
“You bitch!” Athena shouted.
“So the bitch is just for me?”
“Why are you not dead yet?”
“Thanks for worrying.”
Athena sneered. “I wasn’t. In fact it felt nice to not have you calling me for coffee always and not asking questions about my personal life.”
I rolled my eyes. “I know you love me Athena.”
I could imagine Athena’s angry expression at my words. “Well now that you aren’t dead, I should go to bed and feel sad. Bye bitch.”
“Bye Athena.” Just as I was about to cut the call, I remembered something. “Hey Athena.”
“What?”
“Thanks. For calling.”
There was a slight pause. “Get lost bitch.” And then the call went dead.
I smiled at the phone. Sighing with gratitude.
I looked at Zivah and mouthed. “Thank you.”
She just winked at me and turned back to the screen, trying to pick up a movie.
I leaned my head on her shoulders, feeling that sense of gratefulness after a long time.
In a world that is slowly sinking into despair.
We all need a life jacket, something to hold on to.
And even though we may not know it yet,
But we all have that life jacket.
The one that saves you from drowning.
The one that gives you a reason to survive.
So remember, you are never really alone.
And maybe you are not fine now.
But you will be.
You will be.