Agustins pov…..
Onika was curled up in the corner of a dark room, I called out her name but she didn’t answer.
“I am feeling cold…”
“I am hungry….” she said in a small timid voice. She looked very scared.
“I miss my family, I want to go to them.” I heard her say, in a small voice, which has lost all hopes.
“Don’t say like that please..” I almost cried out.
“I will make the pain go away…. please come to me.” As I took a step towards her she backed away from me and started running away.
I chased behind her for what seems like hours, to find her standing just an inch away from a cliff.
“Onika please don’t do this please, I am so sorry” I said with desperation.
But she remained unfazed, It was like she can’t hear me, like she was possessed.
“I am drowning Agustin…
I am falling into the pit of darkness…
You made my life miserable to the point where I don’t want to live anymore…
But I want you to know this, I will always love you, always.” Saying that she gave me a sad smile and jumped off the cliff.
I tried to run to her as fast as I can, but it was too late.
I fell on my knees and shouted, in agony.
“Onikaaa…”
I woke up with a start, I was sweating profusely, and my heart was about to come out of its cage, I looked around, the room was completely dark as it was in the nightmare.
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Onika’s pov…..
I woke up with a jolt as I heard Agustin screaming my name, and the tone of his voice was enough to send shiver down my spine, I immediately took my cellphone out, in case I need to dial 911 and hurried to Agustins room without knocking.
The room was engulfed in darkness, only little light entering from the balcony, I could see Agustin’s outline vaguely, he was sitting on the bed very still. I felt something ominous. Something is not right.
I switched on the lights and looked at him. He was still as a statue, his gaze focused on the wall infront of him, few sweat beads forming on his forehead, I could hear his laboured breathing, his whole demeanor was rigid.
He was have a nightmare. I know those signs way too well, and there is no telling that how.
“Agu.. Agustin.. are you alright?” I asked in a small voice.
His head turned in my direction. He looked at me intently, but his expression was still stoic. All of a sudden he got out of bed and started walking towards me, with slow and calculated strides, when he was just a hand distance apart, he stopped
I looked him into the eyes, he looks scary, all nerves in my body was screaming at me to runaway, but I know that would be a wrong move, so I remained rooted at my place, and believe me when I say, it took every ounce of courage I had, to do nothing but just stand still in his presence. You don’t want to be anywhere near Agustin when his mood is so unpredictable.
“Can I hold you… just for a minute I promise, I won’t do anything” he added, on sensing my discomfort.
His voice was so vulnerable that it was giving me a heart ache, not because I still have some kind of soft corner for him, but rather I know how it feels, I had been there, with countless nights all ending in nightmares, which won’t let you sleep, and how you need someone to hold onto, but you know there is no one, absolutely no one. It’s just you trying to hold together your broken pieces in the middle of the night, when every other being is sleeping soundly.
I nodded my head weakly, as soon as I did that, he engulfed me into a bone crushing hug.
I wanted to say ‘It’s okay, I am here for you,’ but just couldn’t, he had lost the right to hear that years ago.
He broke the deafnening silence by saying, “I think, I am loosing my mind”
I stiffened at that, and gently patted his back to calm him down, not knowing what else to do. I felt him relax, under my touch.
When I saw his breathing was back to normal, I gathered all my courage to somehow say ” ma.. maybe, yo.. you need some kind of help..” I said in a timid voice.
He broke the hug to look at me, still holding both of my arms, he looked into my eyes and said,
” No, I just need you.” with all seriousness.
“Please Agustin, for once in your life take me seriously.” I semi shouted a bit harshly, then immediately regretted it. I need to handle this with care, I am entering a very dengerously territory.
His hold on me tightening a bit, his eyes narrowed infinitesimally looking at me like a predator, and I was feeling like a little rat infront of him. I have wanted to say this to him for god knows how long, but could never have the courage to do so.
I was already shaking under his scrutinizing gaze, what if he gets offended and vent out his anger on me? I was clutching the cellphone in my hand tightly, I had set Jacob’s number in speed dial, in case he decides to beat the crap out of me.
As if sensing my fear, his eyes softened a bit and said,
“I am not mental, you know” he said.
“Who said only mental people go to a psychiatrist? I had consulted a psychiatrist for over an year, that doesn’t means I am mad.
It can be a normal person with a haunting past, it can be a normal person with abnormal surrounding, he grew up in, it can be someone trying to be better than what he currently is.” I tried to explain as politely as I can.
“Will that, make you happy?”he asked, Instead.
I gave him a stern look and said, “who asked you to do it for me? I am asking you to do it for yourself.
I know you haven’t forgiven yourself, for what you have done to me. If you actually want to forgive yourself in the first place you will have to face your own demons, or it won’t stop chasing you, every time you avoid it, it will attack back being stronger…. and yes, it will make me happy as well” I added in the end, well whatever works for him.
I could see some conflict in his eyes.
I bought my hands on his cheek and cupped it gently, he immediately leaned into the touch.
Maybe I am manipulating him into doing this, but I don’t feel any remorse, I know I am doing the right thing, it’s for his own good.
“Okay..”he said finally said. Wow.. that is a big improvement and certainly a big step for a person like Agustin, who is full of himself, to agree to go to a psychiatrist.
I don’t know whether he was convinced by what I said or he just said yes because I want it, but whichever it is, I am happy that he said yes.
“I know a very good psychiatrist, she is the best, I consulted her when… I.. I …. you know when. If you want I can fix your appointment with her and I can even come with you.”
” You fix my appointment…” Yess! I thought, squealing with happiness.
“.. but I want to go alone.” He added.
“Okay..” I said, if that is what he want, I will respect his privacy.
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Agustin’s pov…..
“Many individual at some level have trust issues, you just have an overt of it, Which is needed to be controlled, there is nothing to be ashamed of if you are trying to work on your issues, that is what we are supposed to do, no one is perfect, the least we can do is at least meet our own standards, and if you are here than it is certain that you have realised you are not, what you want to be.
Somewhere deep down a person always knows what is wrong and right, it just takes a lot of courage to chose the right one, because most of the time the right one is going to be the difficult one as well, so people simply tend to make a choice between the easier one and the difficult one and they forget that the original choice is to be made between wrong and right and not easy and difficult.
Then it becomes a habit of yours and your conscience which used to nag you at the back of your mind, to make you constantly feel guilty for your wrong decision will slowly subside with time due to lack of response. Once you enter that stage, it will take a lot of efforts to revert back.
Are you understanding what I am trying to say Mr. Dear Luca?” Mrs. Morrison, my psychiatrist asked.
“Yes, Mrs. Morrison, I am willing to put whatever efforts it takes, I won’t back off.” I said with conviction.
She seemed satisfied.
“Very well then let’s start with your first session, I tell all my clients to write their problems on a piece of paper, you can write about what is it that is troubling you, because I want it to be you yourself to pin point what is troubling you the most, before I do it for you and help you to find a way out of it. At the end you need to remember that it’s you who have to put all the efforts, I will just be guiding you and showing you the right way to do it” she said.
“Write on a piece of paper.. I am not sure of it…” I looked at her with uncertainty.
“There is nothing to be ashamed of, it would be only me who will be reading it, I ensure your confidentiality, and if you are worried that I will judge you, then understand this, that is not my job, the only thing I am going to judge is how much progress you have made, that is what I get paid for, other than that nothing is my business, I know you are a renowned personality and I assure you it will remain between just the two of us.”
“Okay, so what is it that you exactly want me to do.” I asked her.
“I want you to make an entry per day, for at least over a month, if you want you can continue further, that depends on you. It need not be a full length story, it can be just two sentences, which describe what is on your mind, or what is troubling you and in between that I will conduct various sessions…”
Something suddenly came in my mind and I cut her off in between to ask,
“You ask all your clients to do that?”
She furrowed her brows and said, “yes, I do. That is one of the ways I think you can know yourself better and the nature and extent of your problem, it also..” by this time I wasn’t even listening to her, my mind was occupied by something else. She asked me with furrowed brows,
“Mr. Dear Luca, are you listening to me?”
“Umm… can you possibly remember you had a client, I guess two years back, her name was Onika Coulin.”
Familiarity suddenly drowned on her feature, “yes I remember her very well, she was a very good lady, with a very troubling past.” I exactly know what she ment by a very troubling past.
“Mrs. Morrison, I am her husband.”
She looked at me as if she had seen a ghost, “you are her husband!” She gave me a displeased look.
“Yes, I am. But I have realized my mistake and I want to work on every single one of them, that is why I am here. I don’t care how hard it is, I want to be the person she wants me to be, tell me what I need to do and I will do it. But I have a request for you.. can you show me her entries….”
“Absolutely not, how dare you ask me that, it’s violation of her privacy and it’s against the ethics..”
” I know, I know.. but please I need to understand what she went through, what I made her go through, I want to feel her pain, and believe me it would be a complete torture for me to go through it…. but I want to face my demons.” She looked at me intently, My face must have shown I mean every single word I said, because her expression softened a bit.
“Okay, but only because I think it will help you case, and mind it Mr. Deluca, no one should come to know about it and certainly not you wife, I would have never betrayed that lady if it wasn’t the right thing to do.” She said sternly.
“I promise you.. not a soul will know about it.” I said with sincerity.
She gave me a satisfied nod and called someone and asked to bring Onika Coulin’s file.
After ten minutes a boy in his late twenties came with the file and Mr. Morrison Passed it to me, I took it with shaky hands, I eyed if for a few minutes with dread, as if it is my own death certificate.
“I want it back when you come for your next session”she said strictly and I nodded my head in affirmation.
“But I don’t want to give you any false hope Mr. Deluca, I had known your wife for over an year, analysing a person is what I am best at and I don’t think she is going to take you back after what you did, she is a head strong lady” I could see a little amount of pity in her eyes as she said that.
I looked at her in despair and prayed that she is wrong.
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