Agustin’s pov….(On the previous Chapter)
‘Your first and foremost mistake was not being able to trust me, and from where I am looking you are still standing at the same position you where standing few years back.
Have you asked yourself why am I not comfortable enough to ask you in the face that I want to meet Jacob?’
In my life I had done many mistakes, I wish I never did. I have just added one more to my list. Each one keeps repeating itself for millions of times whenever I look at Onika. Her pain filled eyes whenever she is in my presence, makes sure I never forget that.
What an irony, when I was so adamant on breaking her, that was what I wanted, to see never ending pain in her eyes, I have broken her so thoroughly that no matter what I do her old self will never be back. I don’t know how to fix her, how to fix the pieces of her heart, I had so mercilessly broken.
Then her smiling face flushed infront of me, when she was sitting in that filthy restaurant, waiting to place her order, happy like a child waiting for her Christmas gift, how such small and simple things can make her happy, but still when I try to bring a smile on her face, I find it the toughest thing to do, when Jacob can do it just with his mere presence.
I remember, there was one time when I had the same power over her, my smallest act of affection used to make her so happy, simply my mentioning that I love her will lead to the most beautiful smile to break through her lips, all my mistakes forgiven, just like that.
Her innocence hit my very soul, taunting at me, how can I break her the way I did? Whenever I see in her eyes, innocence was written all over it, I never saw any deceit, but still I refused to believe her.
At that time I never imagined there will come a time when my mere presence will just cause her pain. Will I ever be able to win her love back? Will she ever look at me with same admiration in her eyes?
Then Jacob’s words reverberated in my mind, adding fuel to the fire.
Now, now, now there is no fun in taking something as precious as Onika away from you without a fight. Now is there?
Is he taking her away from me, bit by bit.
I balled my hands tight as an unbearable pain shoot through my chest.
What is it? Jealous, heart break? Or may be both.
Oh god , no please no, I can’t bear this, I can’t let Jacob take my Onika away from me.
My…. Is she really mine? The more important question is, is she rightfully mine. I am afraid to know the answer, because deep down I know, I lost all the rights over her the day I decided not to believe her.
The pain I feel just just got intensified as I recalled her words.
You know why I couldn’t find in me to forgive you?
Because forgivness should be awarded only when the one at fault has realised his mistake.
There is nothing to forgive for, because you have realized nothing, you didn’t trust me then, you don’t trust me now.
She is right, I shouldn’t have been so reckless, I should have called her. What was I thinking? Why can’t I think straight when it comes to her.
What should I do now? A simple sorry doesn’t seems to be enough anymore. Can she ever be happy with me, no matter how hard I try?
I just want someone man enough to respect and trust his own wife, that will suffice.
And if you can’t be that man then just let me go, because I will settle for nothing less and we will end up hurting each other.
If I let her go, will she go straight to Jacob? Will I be able to live with that?
May be Jacob will keep her happy, unlike me. Sometimes when I think about it , I feel like he is not the one coming in between me and Onika, I am the one who is coming in between their chance at happily ever after, but I tend to mute that voice as soon as it threatens to nag at my conscience.
I don’t know what to do, should I let her go or should I fight for us, to be that man Onika wants me to be. When it was upto her, she never gave up on us, she never backed off, then shouldn’t I do the same.
But what if I can never make her happy again? Will it be right to keep her.
If only I knew how to be that man Onika wants me to be. Whenever I put some effort and think that I am making some progress, I again do something reckless and be back to square one.
Anguish and despair is tearing my heart into two.
I rubbed my chest to ease the paining sensation in my chest, that was physically hampering my breathing.
‘Have you ever wanted to cry but no tears came out, so you just sit blankly while feeling your heart break into pieces? Torn between two choices, the one that will ruin you , the other which will ruin the best thing that ever happened to you.’
I have no idea what is right or wrong, I feel completely lost. But I don’t want to give up on us without a fight, without at least trying to be the man she wants me to be.
A feeling of utter helplessness creep up my body, I don’t know what to do.
May be I should talk to her?
Is she back yet?
A sudden urge to see her took over me. I looked at the time, it’s already more then an hour, she must be back, a peek won’t harm anyone, right?
I headed to her room and quietly opened the door, only to find Alex curled up at one end of the bed, whimpering.
Onika was nowhere to be seen, I moved into the room, closer to the child to notice, his face was strained with tears and cheeks red due to crying.
“Mumma” he cried out loudly. On seeing me he tried to wipe his tears furiously, freash thick tears rolling down his chubby cheeks. He started sniffling, trying hard not to cry, and appear strong, so like Onika, I realized.
I simply stared at him, not sure of what to do. This is the child Onika is ready to do anything for, I thought.
Somthing just pulled me towards this little creature and a sudden urge to comfort him took over, I don’t exactly know how to do it, so I sat beside him and gently said, ” hello.”
“You know where is my mumma?” He asked softly, hiccupping.
“She had some important work, so she had to go, but she will be back soon.” I consoled him.
He chocked over a strangulated cry.
“Hey, please stop crying, I thought you are a big boy, now.”
His eyes lit up and he nooded his head vigrously, and said” you think so?….. Uncle Jackob says I am little boy.” He said making a displeased expression.
I scowled at that, ” don’t listen to him, he is a dick.”
“Dick? What is a dick?” He asked innocently.
“FUCK!” I cursed, realising my mistake, Onika is going to kill me.
“No, no it’s nothing, just forget what I said.”
“Oh okay..” he paused for a moment then asked “umm… what is fuck.”
I groaned in frustration. He is one hand full thing like his mumma, I can’t help but laugh at that, my mood lighting up a bit.
No wonder Onika adores him.
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