Things were extremely different from what I had anticipated.
The day Nikhil had accompanied me to the hospital, thirty six hours ago, claiming he had some work , but actually turned out he wanted to give me company as he stayed with me for the majority of time I’d ‘hosted’ Niranjan uncle and Akhil, quietly monitoring as I let radiologists do their work.
My heart felt oddly hopeful when he had even dropped me back at the hostel, giving me only an extremely heated look that had me blushing when I asked him why he had accompanied me.
I had thought things had magically fallen into place.
I expected us to be awkward for another day or two, and then kiss, and make up, literally.
Things didn’t exactly go that way, even though I was assured that’s what usually happened in the thousand web series I’d watched.
Stupid of me.
Since apparently, he did the exact same thing when Anshu was on duty, and she had gone out of the campus for some work of hers. He made small talk, dropped her at the hospital(coz she was scared there were dogs).
What was Nikhil doing so late in the Hospital on two consecutive days?, we don’t know.
So yeah.
But there’s an extremely strange… pattern I’d noticed in my behaviour.
I missed Nikhil when he was around, the gaping hole in my chest widening in his presence.
The ache was dull when he wasn’t around. He was just… there, in the back of my mind. Not present, as such, to make me slip into pits of misery, but not absent, too.
So it made me wonder if I could just forget about him and move on if I just avoided him altogether, without seeing him.
My epic experiment had failed brilliantly after exact four days.
I craved to see him, just a look, a smile, a nod, a text.
Something.
Suffice to say, I felt agitated when Nikhil didn’t try too.
He’d been the one always upfront in our relationship. But now that he’s taken a backstep, I’m bewildered as to how to proceed.
And the fact that Nikhil suddenly seemed unapproachable, intimidating added to my case as I would miserably sneak glances at him, stalk him.
Anshu thinks it’s ego.
She had asked me to ‘Get over myself’ and go talk to him, a casual conversation, like a friend.
When I had told her that I felt ‘scared’, she only gave me a confused stare, shrugging, muttering to herself as to how hopeless I am and come up with the randomest excuses.
But it’s really not ego.
Nikhil had started to intimidate me for some reason.
Is it normal?
I’m not sure.
I sigh, leaning against the wall, pouting as I check him out from the side, as he continues to walk.
I move away quickly, hiding myself when Nikhil stops, scans his surroundings, shakes his head, and continues to walk.
Where are my balls.
I continue to pout, walking aimlessly, thinking.
I’m glad my phone rang before I could dissect the situation worse, sudden tears welling my eyes as I look at the caller id.
Mom.
I blink back tears, annoyed, clearing my throat, trying to sound as cheerful as possible when I answer the call.
“Hi Ma.”
“Are you so busy that you cannot talk to your mother for five minutes in a day?”
I pinch my nose, sitting on the footpath. I’m done with lying, with running away from everything, so I stick to honesty as I stay mum.
“Sandy?”, my mother’s voice is sharp.
“I’m Sorry mom.”
“Is everything alright?”, mom’s alarmed voice reaches me.
Do I burden her with my problems or let her be?
As I contemplate on the issue, I decide to ask for advice from my mother in a subtle manner.
“Yeah. I’m here”, I say when mom repeatedly calls my name.
“What’s wrong? What happened?”
“When did I say something happened?”, my lips twitch, as I gaze at the sky.
“You actually apologized for your mistake”, Mom comments drily.
I laugh for the first time in weeks, my heart at peace, “Good joke”, I roll my eyes.
“Sandy.”
Will I get belted if I tell mom I like a guy?
Most probably.
“It’s just that…”
“Yeah?”
“There’s this guy—”
“You haven’t spoken well in weeks because of a guy? Sandeepthi Guptha, you’re going to get it from me.”
I wince, holding the mother away, panic consuming my senses, “No Ma. Not me. Just another… friend. Yeah. Avika. Remember? My batchmate?”
“What about her?”, I slap myself when I hear the suspiciousness in her tone.
“She… Um. A patient was at risk because of her. So I’d been asked to do extra duties, and so I’m just busy with that”, I bluff, talking about the baby incident that happened months ago.
There’s a pause, “Why are you lying?”
I could feel my palms getting sweaty, “I’m not.”
“You were talking about a guy. Continue speaking. Don’t bullshit me with old stories.”
“Imagine. In a hypothetical scenario”, I pause, “Like, hypothetically… it’s not like it happened or anything. It’s just hypothetical—”
“Sandy, I got the point. What happened in your hypothetical situation?”
“It’s not exactly hypothetical. Remember Sanvi? One of my friends’? It’s her story”, I blurt out the first name that comes to my mind.
“You don’t have a friend named Sanvi.”
“I met her recently”, I bluff.
“You’re giving me a headache.”
I huff, “Maaa.”
“Finish Sanvi’s story, will you?”, I knew mom knew I was bullshitting her, but I continue to play safe, “So, yeah. There’s this guy Ni… um… Niyodh, yeah”, I clear my throat.
“You know you can tell me anything, right?”, mom says softly.
I could feel myself unable to speak, my voice wavering as I try to speak, “I know Ma.”
“So, finish Sanvi’s story”, mom says, amused.
“Yeah, so Niyodh”, I wince. Niyodh? What the fuck? , “He likes Sanvi since a long time. But Sanvi was dating his friend. They’d broken up. And now Nik-Niyodh wants to be with Sanvi. They tried being together and stuff, but it didn’t work out. ”
“Why didn’t it work out?”
“Niyodh had organised some party where Sanvi’s ex was invited. It got a bit ugly, him bad mouthing Sanvi and all that.”
“Did you confront Dhruv about it?”
“Ye—No—What?”
“Did you?”
“I… um… Mom?”
“Sandy”, mom sighs, “I’m your mother.”
I smile wistfully, “Nikhil is stressing me out Ma.”
“So Niyodh is Nikhil, hmm? Who is he?”
“That guy who came to meet me, remember?”
I hear a pause, “Didn’t you say you didn’t want to go ahead with the proposal?”
“Yeah”, I close my eyes, enjoying the breeze, “It kinda happened”, I shrug.
“Sandy, tell me exactly what happened.”
The floodgates open, as I enumerate the details of the last few months, trying to be as neutral as possible, “So. That’s that.”
“Anshu should have slapped Dhruv.”
“Ma”, I exclaim, laughing.
“Do you like him?”
“I do”, I mumble.
“What’s the problem then?”
“I don’t know”, I sigh.
“Have some clarity over your feelings Sandy. Jump into a relationship only if you think you can try to manage Nikhil’s expectations. It’s important. Even though the boy may like you, when you’re both together, he will see you like you are at par with him in the relationship. So if you’re at anything lesser than that, it will hurt him. But having said that, it’s difficult for love to blossom when there’s so many doubts and so much distance. Make peace with your past with Dhruv. Forgive him. Only then can you welcome love into your life. You’re judging every relationship based on what happened with Dhruv.”
“If Nikhil is as sincere as you’ve described him, there shouldn’t be any problem. Having said that, there will be arguments in any relationship, you just need to handle it constructively. And you should stop saying things like you guys shouldn’t be together at every hurdle. It makes the other person feel like an obligation. And slowly, they will grow distant. Make valid points, have arguments, but do all that to come back together, not to drift apart. Understand?”
“Hmm”, I hum.
“Since you said you’re on a break, try to understand what he is to you, if he’s everything you’re looking for in a life partner. If he is, then you should be all in. You should be completely invested. You should never make the other party feel like it’s always them trying, always them trying to make you feel special. It will tire them out. It will seem like you’re with them out of pity. It will rise unnecessary insecurities. I think Nikhil asked for space due to this reason too. He probably thinks you want to be with him because he wants you to be together, not because you want to be. Have a talk, whenever you are ready, that you’re in it because you want it to work out as much as he wants it to. But if you don’t, then he’s not the one for you. Don’t force yourself to feel. Love comes naturally.”
I listen to mom carefully, looking at the issue from a different perspective.
“Yeah. You’re right. I’ll think about it.”
“Good. Keep in touch, Sandy. You’re very far from us. It’s difficult for us if you decide to cut everyone out when you’re upset.”
I sniff, tears rolling my eyes all of a sudden, “I was…”my voice breaks, “It felt so bad Ma.”
“I understand beta. I’m always here for you.”
I could feel myself crying harder at my mother’s words, feeling selfish for not being available, not talking, “I… I won’t do it again”, I promise.
We speak for a few more minutes, my heart lighter when I disconnect the call.
I stand up, dusting my pants, to go back to my room, when I freeze, the other person wide eyed too, having been caught.
What the hell is Nikhil doing behind the tree?