Keerthi silently cried in the same place she stood, covering her face in her palms. She was the victim of her husband’s anger even when she was innocent, her heart aching as his words played in her mind.
Did he think so low of her?
Even though Keerthi felt miserable, she found it necessary to clear the misunderstanding.
She sat next to her husband’s sleeping form, as she held his hand in both of her hers’.
Vikram glared at his wife, retracting his hand.
The thought that his wife spoke ill about him behind his back was hurting him.
He loved her.
He didn’t expect her to do such a thing. He thought his wife liked him, at the least.
The thought that she complained about him to his mother spoke volumes about what she felt for him.
He wanted to be the person she came to, if and when she had a problem, not his mother, or someone else.
His heart ached, did his wife find him so unapproachable that she’d rather confide in other people about him instead of coming to him?
He felt miserable as his wife cried in front of him, tears staining her face.
He wanted nothing more than pull her into his arms and shush her.
But anger seeped him.
He wanted to hurt her the way she hurt him.
He didn’t expect her to love him, alright. But he didn’t find anything wrong in expecting trust and respect.
He found his wife discussing him with his mother disrespectful.
He had to convey the message that it wasn’t something he would tolerate, even though he loved her, even though he hated making her cry so hard.
Keerthi gripped her husband’s hand tighter.”I really didn’t say anything to anyone. Believe me. Please”, she begged her husband, as she weeped.
“Keerthi”, Vikram warned.
“Why won’t you believe me?”, Keerthi cried. It was important for her husband to trust her.
Though Vikram wanted to believe his wife, his conscience didn’t allow him to think he was falsely accusing his wife for a mistake she didn’t commit.
He loved his wife a lot.
It would kill him to be the reason she cried so profusely, especially if it wasn’t her fault.
He didn’t want to be in the wrong.
“Look. I don’t want to talk with you right now”, Vikram said, his voice hard.
Keerthi was scared, her husband looked like he would strike her if she didn’t stop talking.
But she felt that his physical blow would be far better than his accusations. His denouncement and words hurt her.
Physical pain wouldn’t cut so deep.
Keerthi couldn’t believe her thoughts strayed that way. She hated physical abuse, her mind set that way in her earlier years.
But as her husband glared at her so heatedly, she wished he did anything but look at her with so much hatred in his eyes.
“We’ve had multiple arguments previously too. Why do you suddenly think I am going to talk ill about you? For heaven’s sake, I am not even so close to Mom to complain to her about you”, Keerthi tried again, her voice timid.
Please. Don’t him me, she begged in her head.
She knew she would only bear it silently, like her mother.
Vikram assessed his wife, narrowing his eyes. “Are you speaking the truth?”. His wife’s defense made sense. She wasn’t that close to his mother, she maintained a polite relationship with her.
“I am”, Keerthi nodded frantically.
Vikram was feeling miserable. Was his wife truly innocent? Did he just take his anger out on her without a valid reason?
She looked distraught. But how would his mother know when they went out and how many times they did.
Was his mother keeping such close tabs on him?
“I swear I didn’t say anything. I don’t know why Mom told you all those things”, Keerthi said, her voice tired.
Vikram wiped his face, was he in the wrong for lashing out at his wife?
Was she truly faultless?
He sighed,”Go to sleep.” He could deal with this crap later, with a clearer mind.
He could almost see himself apologizing.
He shook his head tiredly.
“Vik–Vikram please”, Keerthi’s lips trembled.
The fact that her husband didn’t believe her hurt so much.
“Shut up”, Vikram snapped, making Keerthi jump,”If you don’t want to sleep, do whatever you want. Don’t sit and cry in front of me.”
Keerthi cried silently, staring into her husband’s eyes, each word pricking her raw heart.
Vikram closed his eyes, when he felt the bed dip beside him, hearing his wife cry softly.
He felt distressed. If his wife was really speaking truth, he would feel guilty for his outburst for a long, long time.
He wanted to clarify again.
He trusted his wife.
If she said she didn’t reproach to his mother, she probably didn’t.
“Mom said you were feeling bad that I didn’t take you out often, that I wasn’t giving enough time and attention to you”, he briefly explained.
Keerthi turned to her husband.
“All of a sudden?”, she asked, though she agreed with her mother in law silently.
“Yeah”, Vikram shrugged.
“Are you sure you don’t have anything to do with Mom’s observation?”
Keerthi’s eyes welled with tears as she shook her head in negative.
Vikram sighed, was he lashing out at his wife for no reason?
“Okay”, Vikram nodded, guilt quickly filling him.
“Yo.. You don’t believe me?”
“I do”, Vikram pulled his wife towards him, wanting to kick himself , as he let her cry into his chest.
“I am Sorry for yelling so much”, he felt ashamed, guilt filling him quickly as his wife sobbed into his chest.
He should have learnt all the details before condemning his wife.
Keerthi sniffed, not responding.
It wasn’t okay.
“Hey”, Vikram tilted his wife’s chin up,”Please don’t cry?”
“Do you really think I discuss our issues with others?”, Keerthi couldn’t digest that her husband though of her like that, silently vowing to never disclose their personal issues to anyone, feeling guilty of the one time she confided in her parents. It felt like she was lying to Vikram as she asked that question to him.
It was an obvious Yes, because she had discussed him with her parents, but she had buried that conversation.
(Those of you who don’t remember, go to Ch-23)
It didn’t blow up like this one.
But as she thought back to her mother in law’s interference, she silently swore she would never disclose their affairs to a third person. Though she was relieved her parents’ knowledge about that one argument with her husband didn’t make things ugly, it wasn’t a possibility she could rule out.
She decided not to discuss her husband with anyone as she waited for an answer.
Now she understood why people say not to interfere in a couple’s issues.
It made things a lot more uglier.
“No”, Vikram answered after sometime. In the time he knew his wife, she never gave him that impression,”I was just blinded by anger.”
Keerthi nodded sadly,”Okay.”
“I should have asked you before jumping to conclusions”, Vikram felt like a total prick, his wife’s grief stricken face jabbing him.
Keerthi nodded, wiping her nose with the back of her hand.
She was too upset to come back to normal with a Sorry.
Now that her husband acknowledged that she wasn’t at fault, she could wallow in sorrow, and cry at his accusations freely.
Keerthi gently untangled herself from her husband, maintaining some distance.
It was important for her to make her husband believe her that she would never do something like that, though she feared he would strike her if she spoke.
She was relieved he didn’t.
That was a risk she was willing to take, he had promised he would never assault her.
Making him understand she wasn’t the culprit was priority. The urge to prove her innocence made her fear of abuse seem small. She only gave him the benefit of doubt, relieved in the end that he was as good as his word, though she would have quietly beared her husband’s assault, if he hit her .
She smiled sadly, thinking of all the times she wondered why her mother put up with her father even though he was a monster at times.
She got her answer today.
It was simple.
It was because both of them loved their husbands’, beyond all the harsh words, beyond the assault.
Keerthi smiled sadly, her realisation would have made her blush red at normal times, but it only made her cry bitterly into her pillow now.
Her husband wasn’t angry with her anymore, it wasn’t a task for her to give him a kiss and confess to him.
But she resisted.
Truth was, she was scared seeing him like that, shaking in anger.
He terrified her at the moment, as she waited for the first slap that didn’t come.
Even though Keerthi felt relieved , her fear and insecurities were coming up again.
She learned to understand her father and husband were not the same with their wives.
But at that moment, when Vikram was screaming at her, she was so very afraid.
Keerthi didn’t like being scared of her husband. She had grown to picture him in a particular way.
Even though she had accepted he wouldn’t hurt her, his anger and body language made her fearful, that he would break his word of never laying a hand on her.
She loved her husband too much to demonise him.
She didn’t want to.
So she was quite shook when she imagined and expected him to behave like that, waiting for the first punch that he didn’t deliver.
It was necessary for the discomfort and fear to be gone before she forgave him.
She couldn’t act like everything was normal if her insides shook everytime they argued in the future.
Though she loved her husband and would take his rash behaviour, she preferred if he didn’t pound her every time they had disagreements.
Keerthi could get into arguments with her husband boldly, he had silenced the fear long before.
But since it has resurfaced, she wanted some time to drown the thought again.
Her husband would never lay a finger on her. She knew it subconsciously.
She just had to process it again a bit, to get back into the game.
And it would also give her sometime to forget his cutting and spiteful words.
After all this mess cleared, Keerthi decided to have a talk with her husband about his anger issues.
He blurted out anything that came to his mind when he was angry, not caring how deep his words hurt the other person.
But that was a discussion for another day.
Keerthi closed her burning eyes to sleep, tired.
Vikram’s face fell when his wife turned to her side of the bed to sleep.
He didn’t know if he could just pull her towards him, like he usually did.
He decided he would give his wife some space tonight as he folded his arms, shutting his eyes.