Like yesterday, I walked the halls today with my head down and pretended like I was invisible. Unfortunately, it was ninety something degrees out, so I couldn’t hide behind the comfort of a hoodie without dying from heat stroke. Still, I let my hair be a curtain around my head, and it worked just as well as a hoodie did.
When the lunch bell rang, I went straight to the art room, as I had yesterday. I couldn’t face Nathan in the cafeteria for a whole hour, and I especially knew I wouldn’t be welcome at the lunch table, so I found refuge with Casey in the art room. I set my backpack down and pulled out my sketch book, and then set myself up at a desk with pastels.
“Hi Lauren,” Casey’s quiet voice greets as she walks into the art room.
I turn to her and smile. “Hi Casey.”
Casey, the freshman girl who feared me when we first spoke, but now my only friend.
“What are you working on?” She asks tentatively, dropping her backpack and approaching me at the desk.
I stare at the blank sheet of paper and sigh. “Nothing, yet.” I turn to her and see her bright sketchbook under her arm and nod toward it. “What about you?”
She sits at a desk across from mine and opens her book. “I just finished a portrait of Audrey Hepburn, so I’m back to the drawing board.”
As she opens her sketchbook, I stare at all of the passing images. Casey was one of the best artists I have ever known; she had a wide range of talent, and her work reflected it. After a moment, I look back down at my blank sketchbook, trying to conjure up any artistic inspiration.
Instead of artistic inspiration, I conjured up a loud grumble in the middle of my stomach. While it was a little embarrassing, it was mostly a reminder that I hadn’t eaten and needed to get lunch. I laughed it off and got up from my seat reluctantly, set on going to get something to eat.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” I mumble as I pass Casey.
She makes an incoherent noise in response, already starting her new project, and I continue out of the art room. I maneuvered myself to the cafeteria, but hesitated outside of the doors. Nathan was in there; so were my friends. I haven’t spoken to Vincent since yesterday, Nathan since Saturday, and Tess since Friday.
I stared through the open doors into the cafeteria for another moment before I mustered up the courage to walk in. For the first time in two days, however, I didn’t duck my head and hope to be ignored. I took a deep breath, straightened up, and kept my chin held high as I walked into the bustling cafeteria.
Almost immediately I felt people staring at me as I passed. Table conversations came to a strict halt when I passed, only to be continued in whispers when they thought I was from ear shot. It was still a strange feeling, being the center of attention; you thought with the hectic past few months, I’d have been used to it.
I wasn’t.
“Well look here girls,” An annoyingly nasally voice declares loudly, grabbing the attention of passerby-ers. “Lauren decided to show her face instead of hiding behind a hoodie.”
I stop halfway from the cafeteria doors to the lunch line and take another deep breath before I turn back around. Just as I expected, Nina Alexander is standing there with her two followers standing closely behind, a smug smirk on her lips.
“What do you want, Nina?” I ask as I attempt to keep my voice even.
By now, unfortunately, we had gotten the attention from a good portion of the cafeteria. Quiet whispers swept over the lunch room, hundreds of pairs of eyes stared at us, and I suddenly felt my stomach drop. Judging by the look on Nina’s face, she was ready to pounce.
“I just wanted to be the first one to congratulate you,” Nina’s voice drips sarcasm. “Your performance the past few months has been incredible. You somehow managed to fool everyone into thinking you changed,” She takes a step forward, her obnoxious heels clicking against the floor, the loudest sound in the cafeteria as of right now. “For a second, people actually thought you were cool.” Her lips curl into a sadistic, mocking smirk. “But I was right about you. You’ve always been a pathetic loser that craved attention, and nothing more. But guess what? You’re invisible, Lauren.”
The words sting as hard as they did when it was Thomas saying them. My heart dropped the second I realized that she must’ve told everyone about the experiment, that everyone knew about it, and I looked around desperately. Everyone’s eyes were fixed on me, waiting for my reaction, like this was a television show they couldn’t get enough of.
My gaze falls on my old lunch table, and my heart stops. Tess, Asher, Vincent… They were all watching the scene unfold. I found Nathan beside Asher, and for a minute, our gazes locked. His eyes were icy, even from across the cafeteria, and he looked angry. A sliver of hope shot through me when he suddenly stood up, but instead of walking to my rescue, he made a beeline out of the cafeteria.
I look back at Nina and try to pretend her words and Nathan’s exit don’t hurt nearly as much as they did. “Thats not true.”
My voice isn’t as confident as I intended it to be, and she smirks at my falter. “Isn’t it? You lost your friends and your boyfriend because you’re a pathetic nobody.” She takes another step to me until she’s so close that I can smell her tacky perfume.
I stare at her for a moment incredulously, and she unfortunately takes that as her cue to continue.
“Don’t you get it, Lauren? You’re just as much of a loser as you were before Thomas bothered to learn your name, and he only did that so he could sleep with you. It was funny, really, how easily he got in your pants. We all thought it would take at least a few months to get in the good girls pants, but you were so desperate, you put out in a few weeks.” Nina smirks at me. “The best part is, you’re still invisible.”
It stung like hell to know that all of Thomas’ friends were in on him using me, but I tried not to show it.
“Fuck off, Nina,” Luke’s voice suddenly snapped from behind me, and I turned to see him approaching angrily.
She rolls her eyes, the sadistic smirk still on her lips. “What, you need your brother to fight your battles for you?”
Before I can even open my mouth, I hear another voice speak up. “We aren’t going to sit around and watch you ridicule her,”
Cole growls. “Lauren isn’t invisible. She’s a good person, unlike you.”
Despite the mass amount of hurt cutting into me from Nina’s words, I can’t help but smile a small smile when Luke and Cole stand up for me. Luke wraps an arm around my shoulder and when I look up at him, he gives me a small, encouraging smile. “Let’s get out of here.”
And, ignoring Nina’s pathetic insults coming from behind us, Luke, Cole, and I walked out of the silent cafeteria. My eyes were welled with tears, but I couldn’t let them fall in front of everyone. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t let Nina know how much she hurt me, and I couldn’t let my old friends see me look so pathetic, and I couldn’t risk my pride being hurt if I cried in front of all of them.
But the second we stepped out of the school, I couldn’t hold them in anymore. One tear slipped out, and then another, and then another. My vision became blurry but I kept my head down so Luke and Cole didn’t realize I was crying. Our walk was painfully silent, so I had to bite my bottom lip to keep myself from making any noises that would tip them off to my tears.
It didn’t work.
“Lauren, are you crying?” Cole asks, his voice soft, and then he says to Luke: “Hey, Luke, hold up.”
I felt someone’s hands on my shoulders, and looked up because 1. I had already been caught so 2. I had nothing to lose.
Through my blurry vision I could see Luke’s big blue eyes staring at me, full of concern. When my gaze meets his, he frowns, and I see the pity pooling in his eyes before Luke wraps me into a hug.
While he’s hugging me, my mind flashes to the image of Nathan leaving the lunch room. He saw me getting attacked by Nina, but he didn’t even do anything. He didn’t say anything. He just stood up and walked away. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly in an attempt to rid myself of the memory, but it was no use. It was embedded in my mind.
Once my sobs subsided and tears lightened up, I pulled away from Luke and gave him a weak smile. “Can we just go home?”
We started walking toward the parking lot. Cole got in his car and Luke got in mine, and I gave Luke my keys. He only had his learners permit but would be getting his license in a month, so I let it slide. I didn’t trust myself driving, anyway.
I didn’t cry for Nina, and didn’t feel so broken inside because of the cruel things she said to me. Most of the pain came from my newfound loathing for myself. I had lost the most important person to me because I was a dishonest idiot.
“You know Nina Alexander is a jealous bitch, right?” Luke suddenly says, breaking the thick silence in the car.
I find it in me to smile a little when he says this. “I know.”
“I had a feeling you weren’t crying over her,” Luke sighs, and I can feel his gaze on me, but I continue to look down at my hands. “It’s about Nathan, isn’t it?”
I flinched upon hearing his name, unwilling to talk about him. “Luke…”
When I look up, I see Luke pulling into our driveway, and I glance at him as he’s turning the car off. He turns to me immediately and I can see the somberness in his expression.
“Listen, Lauren, I know you don’t want to talk about what happened. But shit, all I know are the rumors because you won’t tell me the story. If you don’t want to tell me, fine, but let me tell you something: if all Nathan knows are the rumors, then I know why he won’t talk to you.” I cringed when I thought about what lies Nina had stirred up about the entire thing. “You have to talk to Nathan and tell him the truth, because I’m sure as hell it has to be better than the rumors.”
I listen to his words carefully, the heaviness of them weighing on me. So many thoughts ran through my mind; like what the hell Nina or anyone else has been spreading around school, or if I could even get Nathan to listen to me so I could tell him the truth.
“But he doesn’t want to be with me anymore,” I say painfully, the words tasting poorly in my mouth. I hated uttering the words, because it was a cruel reminder of the truth behind them. “He told me so.”
Luke’s smile turns to a frown and he sighs. “Listen, Lauren. Guys say stupid things when they’re upset, and Nathan is no exception.”
I raise my eyebrows. “So you’re saying he didn’t really mean it?”
“In the moment, maybe he meant it,” My heart sinks again, all hope lost in an instant. “But he didn’t know the full story when he said it. Just trust me; it’s worth it to try again.”
This time, I don’t argue a counterpoint with him, or point out the things that can go wrong. I just stare at Luke for a few moments and let his words sink in, considering the possibility that Nathan didn’t hate me as much as I think he does. But my consideration didn’t go far before I felt the familiar stir of sadness and overwhelming hurt because of him.
But I’m tired of crying, and I’m tired of feeling so down, and I’m especially tired of being tired, so instead of putting up a fight, I just nod. “Thanks, Luke.”
He knows I’m not convinced, but doesn’t make another attempt to convince me. Instead, he nods and we both get out of my car. I start walking toward the front door, but stop when I don’t hear Luke behind me. He’s jogging to the street, where Cole’s car is parked.
“Where are you going?” I call from the front door.
Luke turns around and looks at me. “I have to go back to school, but I’ll be home right after,” He promises me. “Try to fall asleep for a little. Sleep fixes everything.”
I muster up a lame laugh at that, but I don’t need to be told twice to go seek immediate refuge in my room. It wasn’t until I was in bed, under my covers, away from the rest of the world and finally by myself, that I felt a little better.
***
As promised, Luke came home directly after school. Despite my protests, he made me soup and decided to treat me as if I were sick. I don’t think he really understood heartache, and he definitely didn’t know how to deal with it, so he acted like I was sick to take care of me until my mom came home.
We ate soup together in the living room and watched my trashy reality TV shows. Luke was cheering on Khloe Kardashian as the show revealed the behind the scenes of her photo shoot. Every time the show cut to another family member, Luke complained about Khloe’s limited face time on air.
“I mean, she’s the best one. Why isn’t the whole show about her?” Luke would ramble.
I found his love for Khloe quite amusing, and let it heighten my spirits at least somewhat. At around four, in the middle of a scene with Khloe, a knock came from the front door. Of course, Luke was too occupied watching Khloe to even notice the door, so I got up from my comfortable caccoon on the couch and shuffled toward the door.
Considering we rarely have visitors, I was expecting Cole to be on the other side of the door. I yank the door open and told him, “Luke is fangirling over Khloe, so…”
I trail off when I look up and see Tess’ face, a mixture of amused and nervous. My stomach drops momentarily as I stare at her, unable to believe she was here. Was she here to yell at me? To tell me to stay away from her friends? Maybe Vincent talked to her, and she came to tell me to stay away from him?
“Uh, sorry, I thought you were Cole,” I excuse in a mumble.
Any traces of lightheartedness in her expression are replaced with more nervousness. My fingers play with the hem of my shirt nervously, as I awaited her- albeit deserved- cruel words.
“I came here to talk to you,” Tess says suddenly. “Can I come in?”
Hesitantly, I nod, and wordlessly let her come inside. I glance back at Luke, still camped out in front of the TV, and decide this conversation would be better done upstairs. I silently lead her up the stairs and to my room, and when she’s inside, I shut the door in hopes that Luke wouldn’t hear her yell at me.
Except, she didn’t yell at me. The second I shut the door and turned around, Tess was saying, “Lauren, I’m so sorry.”
I blink at her and splutter, “W-What?”
She sighs. “When I saw the video, I kind of freaked out. I mean, what would you do if you saw a video that made you think that your new friend was only your friend because they were undercover in a social experiment?” Tess looks at me thoughtfully, letting out another discouraged breath. “I talked to Nathan without talking to you first, and after talking to Vincent, I realized that was wrong. I judged you too quickly.”
I still stare at Tess in shock as I begin to comprehend the gravity of her words. She didn’t come here to yell at me, she came here to apologize.
“Thank you,” I manage to say sincerely, with a small nod.
“After seeing that shit that Nina pulled today in the cafeteria, I was furious,” Tess shakes her head, and it feels good to know she was on my side. “Hell, we all were. I needed to let you know that I’m sorry, and I really hope we can be friends again, because I miss you a lot. We all do.”
Every time Tess said ‘we’, I subconsciously excluded Nathan. I couldn’t get false hope that he cared after everything that happened.
“And I hate being the only girl with all of those boys,” Tess jokes lightheartedly, casting me a hesitant smile. “It was so much better when you were around to help me deal with those idiots.”
It might be the fact that as of earlier today, I only had two friends, and one of them is a freshman girl who doesn’t even know my favorite color, and now Tess was telling me that she missed me. It might be the fact I’ve been so emotional all day, that the affection got to me. But when Tess’ words sink in, a smile stretches across my lips, and I engulf her in a hug.
She laughs and hugs me back tightly, saying, “It’s good to have you back, Laur.”
“It’s good to be back,” I pull away and smile at her. “Well, kind of back.”
Her smile fades into a frown. “Kind of?”
I smile sadly at her. “I can’t hang out with all of you guys anymore. Not with Nathan, at least.” I sigh longingly. “He hates me.”
Tess’ frown deepens and she takes a step back to give me a look, her brows furrowed, jaw ajar, eyes narrowed. “Lauren,
Nathan does not hate you. And even if he did, I’m not letting him ruin our friendship.” She shakes her head. “He’s just… Being Nathan.”
It’s weird how we had two completely different ideas of Nathan “just being Nathan”. If he were being my Nathan, then he would be making me laugh and touching me too much and making my skin feel on fire and would be the reason for the smile on my lips. But he was being Tess’ version of Nathan, cold and withdrawled.
I only knew one thing for sure. I wanted my Nathan back.