Alex’s POV –
“Here, take this.” Caleb says, handing me a weight in my right hand. I take it from him slowly, blinking as I try to make sense of my surroundings.
“What day is it?” I mutter, holding the weight with a limp wrist. It dangles from my arm and I don’t have the slightest moti-vation to lift it or even place it back onto the floor.
“Friday.” Caleb mutters, turning around and walking towards the rack of dumbbells lined up against the gym mirror. He takes hold of it, curls it up to test it out before clearing his throat and heading back in my direction.
“On Friday, we work out. We always have done.” He says firmly, standing directly in front of me. With his free hand, he reaches up and takes hold of my chin before forcing me to look up at him. His eyes flicker between both of mine and he sighs before dropping my chin. I don’t expect him to start slapping me on both cheeks but that’s exactly what he does.
“What are you doing?” I frown, reaching forward to grab hold of his wrist.
“Trying to get a reaction out of you. Wake up Alex.” Caleb says firmly. I stare up at him for what seems like minutes, both of our eyes locked together.
“I don’t want to be here.”
“Just try to lift the damn weight.” Caleb pleads with me, his eyes growing desperate. I breathe in sharply before nodding slowly. He takes a small step back, giving me the space that I need. I stare down at the weight in my hand and begin to curl it like I’ve done a million times before.
“That’s it, you’ve got it. We’ll do some reps together, yeah?” Caleb says and I nod before standing up next to him. We both turn to face the mirror and start our reps, just like we’ve done a million times before. After our third one, Caleb’s lips twitch up into a smile and through the reflection in the mirror, he gives me a small nod.
A nod that tells me . . . I’m doing okay.
I focus on my breathing, allowing the endorphins from working out replace the pain and heartache inside me.
*****
“Ariana! Oh sweetie, it’s great to have you back.” Ben smiles, gesturing me to enter the staff room behind the coffee shop floor. I smile at him and walk around the till, my breathing restricted in my throat. I haven’t been back to work in months . . . I’ve missed the smell. It’s a smell that’s comforting, coffee beans and warm pastry. As I’m passing, my eyes linger on the wall where Justin pushed me up against it. I feel bile rise to the back of my throat and I briefly close my eyes, breathing in deeply.
Count to ten.
One, two, three, four —
“Ariana? Are you okay?”
I open my eyes and smile at a worried looking Ben. His brown eyes are looking down at me and I nod, clearing my throat.
“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s a little weird being back here. . . After everything.” I explain myself, glancing at the shop floor that’s currently empty. I remember Alex walking through those doors several times, ordering the same black coffee over and over again. My stomach twists and turns with pain and I can’t help but display my feelings across my face.
A hand is placed on my shoulder and I glance up, giving Ben a small smile.
“It’s completely understandable. You take all the time you need, there’s no rush.”
“Thanks Ben, I don’t want to give this place up entirely. . . It means a lot to me.” I say softly, glancing around at the small building. Working at the coffee shop was my first job and always felt like a second home to me. Despite it holding painful memories of Justin and Alex, I’m determined to stay here and push through it. I can’t continue hiding behind closed doors any longer, words spoken by my therapist.
“I can come by a couple of hours before we open and make sure everything is set up.” I tell Ben quietly, trailing my finger over the counter. Everything appears exactly the same but I like that, stability.
“That’s more than enough. Baby steps, yeah?” Ben says to me. I nod my head and he gives me a warm smile before disap-pearing in the back. I take the opportunity to close my eyes and finish counting to ten inside my head. Reaching the num-ber provides me a level of calm, reminds me that I’m safe.
Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
My shoulders slump in relief and a small smile flickers across my face as I open my eyes. The coffee shop still looks ex-actly the same but the intense overwhelming feeling inside of my chest has subdued. Ben re-appears from the back room, the staff rota in his hands. He places it down onto the counter in front of us and hands me a pen.
“Put yourself down whenever you want.”
“I think I’ll start off with tomorrow morning.” I say quietly, writing my name down on tomorrow’s date. An emotion of feelings fills my stomach. . .
Nerves. Fear. Dread. Anxiety.
I remind myself that I can do this. I can learn to take control of my life again and beat the demons inside my head. It isn’t going to be an easy journey but it’s a journey I’m willing to travel. I hand him the pen and he beams at me, his smile infec-tious.
“It’s good to have you back. If you have any problems tomorrow just give me a call.”
“Thanks Ben.” I respond gratefully, lifting my bag over my shoulder. He waves at me and I wave back as I walk towards the door. As I leave and head for my car, another emotion flitters away with the rest.
It’s excitement.
Excitement to finally start somewhere. I’ve secluded myself for weeks, so scared of the outside world. I know I can’t live the rest of my life in fear so taking a small step like one shift a week may not seem like much but to me, it’s milestones.
“I’m proud of you.” I murmur to myself as I turn the key in my car. It springs to life underneath me and the radio automat-ically begins to play.
Let me photograph you in this light, in case it is the last time that we might —
I scramble to turn to the radio off, my fingers fumbling at the buttons on my dashboard. Silence suddenly fills the car, ending the music abruptly. My breathing is coming out erratically, hands shaking and trembling. I can feel tears building up, filling my eyes as visions of Alex singing the song clouds my mind. He looked so beautiful sat in front of that camp fire, guitar in hand.
I didn’t know a person could possibly become anymore beautiful.
“God, I miss you.” I whisper, tears falling from my eyes. They drop on my lap and don’t stop the entire time I’m driving home. I don’t dare turn on the radio in case the song starts to play again so instead I sit in complete silence, nothing but my thoughts to keep me company.