“Stop Ariana!” Alex yells, his voice floating through the air. I speed up, running through the leaves and bushes of the for-est. I feel like such an idiot. I sprint behind a thick tree trunk and rest my back against it as I catch my breath.
“Stupid, stupid idiot.” I grumble, squeezing my eyes shut. My chest is heaving with pain from running and I continue to wheeze, sounding like a strangled pig. Moments pass and silence falls around me, the sun streaming through the cluster of trees and warming up my face. I slide down the tree trunk, crossing my legs once my bottom hits the floor.
Love.
I don’t know much about it.
What I do know is, I loved my mother. I loved her with all my heart before she died. I sit there on the grass floor, ques-tioning whether I love Alex, do I really feel love for him?
When I’m around him, his presence causes my entire body to burst up with flames, withering out into a warm sparkle. I feel like I’m glowing from the outside-in. He makes me feel wanted, safe and loved. I didn’t realise how much one person could care for me until I met Alex.
“It’s just a school-girl crush, that’s all.” I mutter, trying to snap myself out of it. I place my head in my hands, breathing in and out deeply.
“If it is just a school-girl crush, I’ll be heartbroken hermosa.”
I let out a small scream because I wasn’t expecting him to be behind me, at all. He barely made any noise when he moved and when I whirl around, his face appears sad.
“Alex,” I whisper, my throat drying out almost instantly. The scarlet blush stains my cheeks and I stand up, wiping my sweaty palms against the fabric of my clothes. Can he see how embarrassed I am right now?
“Hi,” I say quietly, taking another step back to create distance between us. My eyes drop to the floor because I’m unable to maintain eye contact with him. I feel too foolish and too much of an idiot.
“Hi? That’s all you can say to me?” Alex says firmly. His tone of voice surprises me and I snap my head up, meeting his fixed gaze. I open my mouth to respond but it feels like an invisible hand is choking me. Alex searches my face, his choc-olate brown eyes burning holes through my features. I squirm underneath his intense stare.
“You told me you love me.” Alex says, cutting off the silence surrounding us. I open my mouth to say some-thing, anything but quickly snap it back shut when I realise I’m unable to form a simple word.
“Was that a mistake? Did you get caught up in the moment?” Alex breathes out, taking a wary step towards me. His stance reminds me of someone who’s attempting to capture a rabbit or wild animal. He doesn’t want to make too much movement incase it alarms me and I scarper.
I watch as he tilts his head to the right slightly, studying every inch of me.
“Or, you really do love me?”
Once he says the words, my eyes widen and I feel the fear completely take control of my body. I freeze in place, my fa-thers cruel words tauntingly ringing through my head. I don’t deserve love, I don’t deserve to be loved.
“School-girl crush.” I whisper, taking another step away from him. His eyes search mine for a few moments before they fill with sadness. He quickly masks it over, nodding his head slowly.
“Right, just a school girl crush. That’s all I am.”
Despite him accepting my words, his tone of voice denies them completely. He appears hurt and I want to reach out and take his hand, tell him the real truth. But I’m frightened, terrified of being rejected.
Alex blows out a deep breath, running a hand over his face and into his hair. He drops his eyes to the floor and lets out a slow chuckle.
“Damn, I thought it was real.”
His words are only meant to be loud enough for him but I overhear them. A jolt of pain runs through my chest and I wince, unable to believe I’m hurting him like this. Is my confession of love a mistake? I don’t know. I feel confused and unloved, my walls I spent so long building are shattering quicker than I can blink.
“Alex,” I call out, my voice strained. He holds his hand up, shaking his head once again.
“Don’t Ariana. Just give me a minute.”
I drop my eyes to the floor, hiding behind my hair and using it as a curtain. The atmosphere between us becoming suffo-catingly thick until I can’t handle it anymore. I turn around so I don’t have to look at him and see the pain in his eyes. My legs involuntarily begin to move, steering me out of the woods and back towards the lake.
*****
I clutch a beer in my hand, dangling my legs from the edge above the settled water of the lake. The sun is still out in full force, shining down on me with its warmth. The tingling sensation in my stomach from the alcohol grows, causing me to partially forget my awkward encounter with Alex. That’s all I want to do, forget.
“Hey, can I join you?”
I turn around to find Nikki standing a few feet back, holding a can of lemonade. She’s wearing a yellow tank top along with a denim distressed mini skirt. Her blonde hair is braided to the side and as always, sunglasses are firmly fixed on her head. I give her a small smile, patting the wood space beside me.
“It’s so pretty here, isn’t it?” Nikki says, gesturing towards the lake. I nod, my head bouncing up and down in agreement.
“It sure is.”
“You shouldn’t be scared of loving someone.” Nikki says suddenly, causing me to turn towards her in surprise. She gives me a sheepish look –
“I overheard Alex talking to Caleb.”
“Oh, right.” I respond quietly, feeling the back of my throat beginning to dry out.
“I’m not scared.” I add, turning back towards the lake. I close my eyes and breathe deeply, knowing my words are a com-plete lie. Beside me, Nikki shuffles around uncomfortably.
“Alex has never liked anyone before, I’ve known him for a while and I thought he didn’t date at all.” Nikki mumbles be-fore taking a sip of her drink.
“Yeah,” I murmur, not really in the mood to speak about it. It’s hard for me to express my feelings, especially to someone I just met a few days ago. I tend to keep the dark thoughts that plague my mind hidden from everyone around me. I con-stantly live my life surrounded by the walls I’ve built since I was a child. I was hurt beyond belief and the scars and tur-moil from my childhood still haven’t left me. I don’t think it ever will.
Loving someone can be terrifying, I realised that when I fell for Alex.
The contestant question I keep asking myself is, do I deserve to be loved?
“You don’t want to talk about it, right?” Nikki says, clearing her throat beside me. I nod my head grimly, pulling my legs into my chest and resting my chin on my knees.
“I kind of just want to be alone.” I say quietly, my eyes wondering over the soft subtle ripples of the water. The sun shines over it, causing it to sparkle like diamonds that drift away in the distance. Nikki doesn’t say anything but stands up, dusting herself off. I hear her begin to walk away from me but she pauses –
“Don’t distance yourself from the ones who bring happiness to you. It’s rare to find.”
With that last thought in my mind, she finally walks away, leaving me in peace.