Long after the sun has set, we sit in silence. There are so many thoughts that are going through my mind. How so many things could have been different if I did not start my thing with Luke. I should have known better, but yet I was foolish and immature.
I have not only ruined my own life but this man that is sitting next to me. Sandra is right, he is still a mess. He has always been bad at hiding things.
“When are you leaving again?”
“Tomorrow morning once everything is loaded.”
“Your car has been towed to town.”
“Thanks. I will let the truck drop me off there once we on the road.”
“I can drop you off, but then it means I am going to have to stay here tonight.”
“There is a problem with that.”
“What is that?”
“There is only one bed. The other one is on the truck.”
“I will sleep on the couch.”
“The couch is on the truck.”
“For fuck sakes.
There was a time in our relationship that we would jump to be in the same bed together. Now I have never seen two people more terrified of the thought.
“I am okay with it if you are.”
“If you okay with it, then I am too.”
We head upstairs to go to bed. I strip down to only my bra and panties, he only to his underwear, both of us not looking at each other. He is on the one side of the bed, and I am on the far opposite side.
Tyler is the first to speak.
“Jenna.” He softly whispers
And when she whispers next, my body tingles at the mere words that sound like the whispers of angels. But what is the most torture is when she accidentally brushes her hand against me, my entire skin goes numb, and every bone in my body feels that it will simply break apart if I cannot feel one brief moment of it again.
“Yes?”
“I am sorry I kicked you out the way I did.”
“I understand; I would have handled it the same way.”
“I am glad that you did not come back to him.”
“It is one of the best decisions I have made so far in my life.”
“You have changed; you not a girl anymore; you are a beautiful woman both inside and out.”
My breath hitch as his leg accidentally lay smooth against mine
Fuck he feels so good.
As my elegant fingers run over his face to pull the hair from his face, I hear him whimper, “For fuck sakes, Jenna.”
Whom are we fooling? Who both know how we still feel for each other.
“Tyler”
“Yes, Jenna.”
“Can we break our rule just for one last night?”
“What rule?”
“I don’t know. The one that says that I cannot touch you.”
I reach out my hand, and he smiles at me. “Just for one last time, I can hold you in my arms.”
As his arms enfold my body, I feel that old familiar feeling; it feels him. The comfort and yet the passion. But most of all feeling protected. I have never felt any safer than I when I have been in his arms.
All the memories of our times together come floooding back to me. We have been through so much together. He has been through so much with me, but yet I am here lying in his arms.
I just need to feel his softness that he brings. The thought of having his body so near me, just the whisper of my imagination, and I am ancapacitated. There is not thought nor focus; he had the only man I have always desired.
With every craving part of me, I shift closer to him. I can feel him lean his toned and muscled body up against mine. I feel his warmth, and my lips crave so much to be closer to his. But instead i lean in and let my lips caress his neck slow and gently.
“Jenna.”
“Fuck, sorry, Tyler.”
I wish I can just have one kiss, one kiss to feel my body set on fire.
I close my eyes and savor every feeling, every sensation he brings to my body. I can hear him softly moan with every move; our bodies tremble against each other.
God, i want to take his body. I want to make love to the man I know that is the only one that brings me joy.
He looks at me as if he is looking beyond my soul.
“Jenna.”
“Before you leave tomorrow, I want you to know that from the very moment that I laid my eyes and you that you captivated. I am not going to lie, but I knew that day you would be mine, I…
“Ssshhh. Tyler.”
I watch as the words come to mind but never leave his lips.
“Tyler, I know that i was never the perfect lover, I am flawed, but I wish that those flaws did not mess up what could have been a perfect love.”I watch as the words come to mind but never leaves his lips, he has been rendered.
We both drift off to sleep; the next time I wake up, my head is on his chest and his arm wrapped around my shoulder. I close my eyes and savor the moment just for a little longer. When he finally awakes, he looks me in the eyes. There is so much pain still behind them, but there is also love. I just wish that one day all of that agony I caused will go away.
I get up to change and leave the room while he is still sitting on the edge of the bed. Before I reach the top of the stairs, I can hear him talking to himself.
“For fuck sakes, Tyler, you love the woman, stop her.”
I pretend not to hear what he said; he does not stop me either. Later we at his truck, ready to head off. In the distance, I can see Luke. I get in and close my eyes as we drive off. I want to remember Luke for who he was, not for what he has become
“Are you going to be okay?”
“Depends with what?”
“Everything.”
“Some I will, some I won’t.”
“Are you going to be okay?”
“I have been doing this my whole life.”
“Maybe it is time you also stop running away.”
“Running away from what?”
“All your demons, all those feelings are hidden behind your eyes.”
“Maybe you are right.”
We get to Tyler’s, and my car is ready, waiting for me. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. A goodbye. And this one hurts; it hurts even more than the one before.
“So I guess I won’t see you out here again.”
“You right there, these two towns do not exist on the map anymore.”
“Don’t you want to come to fetch that awful wedding dress?”
“Nah, I don’t think I will ever use it. You can keep it to remember me by.”
“Take care, Jenna. If I am ever in the area, I will pop in.”
“We can go horseriding.”
“That’s a date; I will bring the picnic basket.”
“And I will bring the wine.”
“Drive safe, check that fuel gauge.”
I roll my window up and put the car into gear, ready to drive off. A part of me is waiting, hoping, but nothing happens. If there is any moment that defines my life, it is this one. I wait and make a split-second decision; it is going to go bad no matter which way it goes. I roll my window down
“Tyler.”
“Yes, Jenna.”
“I love you.”
Then I wait, and nothing happens. I can see him fumbling for words, what words I do not know, and he does not say.
Then I drive off, watching him grow smaller in my rearview mirror again.