The mood as we drove home from vampire-land was subdued. Despite being with Carter earlier, I wrestled between anger and shame the entire trip. Carter sat next to me and Sylvia next to him. Both of them were quiet.
In the seat across from us, my dad faced me while somehow not looking at me at all. I wondered if he’d rather have ridden with Charlie. But she was in the car behind us with Sheridan and Carter’s dad.
At least I didn’t have to deal with Sheridan too. My dad’s silent disappointment was enough. Her condescending frown would’ve only pushed me further. As it was, I wanted to yell—or hit something. Maybe I should’ve fought with Carter instead of kissing him. The memory of our kiss washed over me and I felt my cheeks heat as I became aware of the way our thighs brushed on the seat of the car. Suddenly, it felt intimate to be touching him this way.
It was ridiculous that such a small amount of contact was enough to distract me from my otherwise consuming thoughts. Remembering how it felt to have Carter’s mouth against mine made my stomach jump. My palms itched. I glanced over at his hands folded in his lap. I wanted to hold one in mine.
I shook myself. This was crazy. Carter was … Carter. I didn’t have actual feelings for him … did I? His fingers twitched and I looked up and found him looking at me. He smiled. I looked away. Yes. I had feelings for Carter. Deep, impossible feelings. With nothing else to do about them but hope they went away.
For the briefest moment I allowed myself to wonder what it would be like if Charlie won. If she became alpha, married Owen, and I became her beta. I would be free to act on my feelings for Carter. We could be … a couple. He could kiss me again, whenever we wanted. Openly. Dad might even be happy about it.
After the way Charlie had stood up to me in the forest—oh, man, she saw me kissing Carter—I almost believed that future could come about. For the first time, I really thought there was a chance I could lose.
But then I pictured my father’s face when he learned I’d lost. The disappointment. The shame. And the rest of the pack. Bevin. Lane. Carter.
They all expected me to win. Needed me to win.
I thought of my mother. I had no idea if marrying my father had been her choice. I’d always assumed it was, but now, after meeting Valentino, I wasn’t so sure. The way he spoke about her, it was clear he’d loved her. And I could only assume she’d felt the same. She’d have to care about him a lot to risk so much in order to spend time with him.
Regardless, my mother had put duty first. She could’ve run off, left my dad and me, chosen Valentino. But she stayed and led her pack. I know she’d expect the same of me if she were here.
I couldn’t turn my back on my pack, my family. My sister.
Charlie didn’t know the first thing about leading. She couldn’t even hunt. And she might think she had real feelings for Owen, but when it came down to it, he was a vampire. His kind was dangerous, unpredictable. I couldn’t allow her to marry him. Just because she had stood up to me didn’t mean she was ready to stand up in front of the joined kingdoms. They’d eat her alive.
What if something happened to her? It would be my fault and I’d have to live with that forever. No, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be that selfish. No matter how much I wished for the ability to make my own choices, to build my own future, I’d meant what I said to Charlie, though I knew I’d been a little harsh with the delivery. Duty would always come before desire. The choice—though it’d never been a choice, not really—felt like closing the flap on a particularly sad book. One where you hoped for a last-minute plot twist but still it gave you the inevitable bitter ending you saw coming.
On top of that, guilt pricked at me for the way I’d spoken to Charlie in the woods. I’d torn down everything we’d built and destroyed what little relationship we’d forged. If I was honest, I’d lashed out at her because I couldn’t say how I felt to Dad or the council of elders. I couldn’t tell them I just wanted to be with Carter, to be free of the pressure. So I’d taken it out on Charlie.
Tears stung the corners of my eyes. I blinked, staring out the window without really seeing. Now was not the time to get caught up in self-pity over a lost future. Plenty of time for that after. Especially since, according to Charlie’s answer in the last test, marriage to a vampire was forever. No divorce. No changing your mind. For all time, she’d said.
That was too long to imagine. Especially married to a guy I couldn’t stand. What did they call a girl who married and then killed her husband? A black widow?
Sylvia moved in her seat, causing Carter’s arm and hip to press harder against me. It left me feeling strangely empty after the direction of my thoughts the past few minutes. I leaned away. I needed out of this car.
Tires crunched over gravel as the borrowed car pulled onto the one-lane drive that led up the hill I called home. I watched as we passed through the familiar pines, their trunks extending too far up to see the tops. The ground was littered with pine cones and needles, softening the crunch of the wheels over the packed rock. Then the trees gave way and the rock turned to dirt and the house came into view.
The last time home had looked this inviting Mom had been alive and Dad had smiled more. I had my door open and my feet pointed toward the ground before the car had come to a full stop.
“Goodness, Regan, where’s the fire?” Sylvia called from inside the car.
I didn’t answer. Or look back. Or stop.
The woods were calling. My wolf needed to run.