I still kept my distance, swinging my head toward the lip of the stone ledge that had shielded my fur from the rain. Although my underbelly and legs were caked in mud, I was no longer wet. The storm had quieted while I slept. The storm outside. The one inside still raged as Liam’s accusation slotted into my mind. I expected to see the black wolf materialize between the fence of trunks.
What were you thinking, going off on your own like that?
I didn’t bother answering August, but I did ask, Are you alone?
Yes. He wrung out his body, splattering mine with warm raindrops.
Even though I wanted to trust August, I couldn’t help but flick my ears around to pick up on every sound within a one-mile radius. I didn’t think I had it in me to trust anyone ever again. Besides Evelyn.
Evelyn… She was expecting me. What time is it?
He tossed his head back, his slick brown fur rippling. What time is it? That’s what you’re concerned about?
I narrowed my eyes. What else should I be concerned about? Has the pack voted for my demise?
Your demise? What are you talking about?
What do you mean what am I talking about? You were there! Liam called me a traitor. My words blustered out of me in a single, heated breath. Just because I didn’t put my hand up yesterday doesn’t mean I would betray the pack!
Tears tracked down my muzzle, over my rubbery lips, glided between my sharp teeth. The darkness would hide them from August. Or maybe he saw them. What did I care? I might’ve been a wolf, but I was also a human. Underneath the pelt and mud, I possessed a heart, and it had been broken. And broken hearts bled tears. I shouldn’t be ashamed of them. What I should have been ashamed of was caring what others thought I had done. I knew I hadn’t sent that message, and that was all that mattered.
Or all that should’ve mattered.
Do you believe me, August?
What do you think? He tried to approach me, but I backed up.
Yes or no?
Of course I believe you.
He said this with so little hesitation that skepticism poked through my relief. Why?
Green eyes steady on mine, he said, Because I can feel you. If you’d done it, you wouldn’t have been racked by anguish. You would’ve been racked by guilt. I told Liam, but he’s a stubborn ass. He’ll come around, though.
I can’t believe I pledged myself to him. I wish I could take it back. There was so much I wished I could take back: the kisses, the caresses, the trust. Again, I shuddered.
I suddenly wished I hadn’t stopped running, wished I’d crossed a state line or vanished into the Rockies. I could’ve stayed away from Boulder until I was eighteen, until I was free of this damned place.
I stared at the woods longingly.
I felt August’s muzzle push against my neck. Don’t even think about leaving.
I turned on August. Why not? I hate it here. I hate it so goddamn much.
He sighed, his breath ruffling the fur around my ears. That’s how you feel tonight, but tomorrow-
That’s how I’ve felt almost every single day I’ve been back. I can count the days I’ve been happy on the claws of one paw.
He puffed a consolatory breath against my neck.
I’m not saying it to garner your pity. I’m just telling you because I don’t want you to think I’m being hotheaded. That I feel like leaving because of what happened back at Tracy’s. I twisted around and peered up at the veiled moon.
Can’t let you run away.
Why not?
‘Cause my mother would never forgive me for letting you go off on your own.
I let out a bitter sound that could’ve been a laugh, except wolves didn’t laugh. We cried, but we didn’t laugh. You don’t have to tell her.
He grunted. I wouldn’t have to tell her. My mother’s all-knowing.
I drew my gaze off the sky and onto the soft ground.
Besides, have you thought about what it would do to Evelyn? From what I’ve heard, she cares about you a lot. How do you think she’d take your disappearance?
She has Frank now.
You think he’s replaced you? People can love more than one person.
I pawed a patch of squishy earth, watching how the mud rose and molded around my claws. I really don’t want to go back.
August leaned forward and drove his muzzle into my shoulder to get my attention. He’ll never attack you like that again. I promise.
Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
Why do you think I wouldn’t be able to keep it?
Because once your mom- I stopped talking abruptly. I wasn’t supposed to know this.
Once my mom what?
When I didn’t say anything for a full minute, he sighed. Liam told you, didn’t he?
I nodded. Why didn’t you tell me? I didn’t want to sound petty, but I wished I’d heard it from him.
I didn’t want to worry you any more than you already were. Especially after your own mother passed away from cancer.
My body sagged as though it was being crushed beneath tumbling rocks again. She never had a chance. Your mom… her odds are good. Aren’t they?
He gave a slow nod. If you don’t stick around for anyone else, stick around for her sake.
I eyed August, and then I eyed the dark woods. I have no idea where I am anymore, August. In the woods, but also in my life, I was so incredibly lost.
I’ll show you the way back. He started walking but stopped when I didn’t follow.
How did you even find me?