’13 July, 2010
To Jonathan
I will probably never give you this letter but I am still writing it for the sake of my sanity. I have been going crazy ever since you asked me out. I am so confused and I don’t know what to do. My feelings are all over the place and I am stuck in a whirlwind of emotions. Isn’t it crazy that when I wanted your attention you never looked at me that way and now that I am trying to save my heart by keeping my distance you are pleading me to let you in. I am torn between the instinct to protect my heart and to let you in and give in to my feelings. You have always been out of my league Jonathan, I am just a simple girl and you are like some celebrity in the university. Amongst so many girls vying for your attention, what made you notice me? I am just a wild flower when compared to them. I had a crush on you ever since Alice introduced me to you, not that I will ever admit it in front of you but then you opened your mouth and ruined it all. When we had met for the first time you had behaved liked an arrogant jerk, you were so sure that I will fall for your looks and charm just like other girls and that day I had been more than happy to deflate your humongous ego which would have put dinosaurs to shame . The look on your face was priceless when I told you that I would rather stay alone than falling for some wannabe celebrity. We continued our banter for days to come and unknowingly we became friends. It wasn’t until end of our first year when I began noticing little things about you like how you rake your hair when you are nervous or irritated or how you put hands in your jeans pocket when you feel sad. It was around that time when I began falling for you and before you think that I began falling for your looks let me tell you that I didn’t care for your looks. I fell for the guy who cared so much for his sister that he ran out in the pouring rain just because she had cold and wanted some chicken soup, the guy who was so loyal that he would rather suffer the punishment than betray his friends and the guy who was capable of so much compassion that he allowed some stranger to crash in his house when there was storm outside. When Second year came you began flirting with me, making blush at every chance you got and that was when for the first time I felt that maybe just maybe you also liked me the way I did. But then as soon as the thought came it flew away when I found you and Victoria kissing in the hallway. I was crushed. Alice asked you about it and you said that it was just a kiss and nothing more than that. It was on the same day when Matthew a guy from our class asked me out and unable to refuse the hopeful look on his face I had said yes. At first you had been angry but when Alice reminded you that it was none of your business your anger drained out and you became sad. However it was my only date with Matthew and to be honest it sucked because you were the only thing that I could think about during the date. I was so angry at myself for not being able to chuck you out of my mind and for having these feelings for you, when I knew that you will never be serious about such relationships. I wanted to talk to somebody so bad but I had no one to talk to because talking to you about my feelings would have been painfully awkward and Alice being your sister could not know about my feelings for you. So I started maintaining my distance from you, instead of coming over at your house for sleepovers I began calling Alice over to mine dorm, Talking to you only when it was absolutely necessary . I tried to ignore you as much as I could. I had no idea until today that keeping distance from you had affected you too.
As I was going to the cafeteria today, you caught my wrist and I felt a jolt of electricity shoot through my arm, from the look on your face you felt it too. I asked you what did you want and you replied that you just wanted me. I was shocked and happy but then I remembered that you are never serious about these things, my mind going back to that kiss you shared with Victoria last year and your answer after that. I think that I was more affected by your answer to Alice about that kiss than I was by catching you and Victoria kissing. I told you to stop playing games with me. Your grip on my wrist tightened as if you knew I was going to walk away and then you told me that you were done with hiding your feelings and trying to suppress them. You said “Please Liza, give me a chance and give us a chance. Will you please go on a date with me?” The sincerity in your voice and that look in your ever expressive eyes asking me to give ‘Us’ a chance shocked me and I would have agreed to going out with you right away had my mind not protested bringing back my low self-confidence and making me question that why would you even want me. I told you I needed time to think and you said that I had all the time I needed and that you will be waiting for my answer and by the look in your eyes I could tell that you will wait for me even if I take an era to answer
I will tell you ‘Yes’ tomorrow. I know that you were never serious about relationships before but I also know that you will never hurt me, at least not intentionally. I have my own insecurities Jonathan, I have my own nightmares and it will not be an easy for me knowing that although you can have any girl in the university you are still choosing me. I am afraid Jonathan but I trust you. I trust you enough to leave my heart in your hands , I just hope that you will not break it and maybe it is too soon and maybe I am crazy but I think that in all the time in which I was trying to keep my distance I have managed to make myself fall for you even more.
Eternally in love with you,
Yours and only yours
Liza.’
Jonathan would do anything to get those days back , to get his old Liza back but as much as he loved her he was still hurt over her betrayal ‘And you have been a saint , haven’t you?’ his conscience asked him sarcastically. He knew he had done some things he wasn’t proud of but still it didn’t lessen the sting of her betrayal. Shaking his head and keeping the letter back in the box, he was about to reach for another one when Maria came in and said “Since it is already late I took the liberty of preparing a brunch, now come on and eat it”. Maria knew that Jonathan was hurting and he himself was majorly responsible for his suffering but she couldn’t let him ruin his health and his life, not after she had promised Liza to take care of him. She smiled her warm smile when Jonathan sat down and began eating. She knew that he was just swallowing down the food for her sake and that he would be hurting for a long time but she could do nothing about this except pray that he would soon get his senses back and realize where he had gone wrong.