Ellie sat in the rocking chair, her baby curled in her arms as she suckled. She’d never felt as wonderful, as important and as connected to another human being as she felt to her daughter when she nursed her. She laughed at the moments of insecurity she had when Stacey-Ann looked at her with her big brown eyes. She always felt like her baby wasn’t looking at her but looking through her, into her inner soul.
“How do you like you room?” Ellie asked, holding her tiny fist with two fingers, “Mommy did her very best, just to make it extra perfect for you,” she lifted her fist and kissed it. She smiled at the fact it was the size of her own puckered lips. “I like the picture of daddy and me while you were still in mommy’s tummy.” She looked at the large portrait of her bare belly with Dale’s hands above and below it. And right next to it was a new picture of Dale holding Stacey-Ann with her next to them. She had numerous shots of her pregnant belly taken and she’d placed them around the house. Dale was a little reserved about taking the pictures, but once he saw them he loved them.
“But I like it better having you in my arms,” Ellie held her closer; “I could hold you forever.”
“As long as I get a turn.” Carson said, stepping into the room. He’d been watching them for a while, humbled and overwhelmed by the unexplainable feeling he had watching his two girls. It had been a month and he was still floored by the fact that he was a dad. He was someone’s father. He’d created life, another human being that he’d completely, unequivocally and unquestionably fallen in love with. Ellie glanced up and smiled, she had a flutter in her chest. It always happened when he looked at them like that. “You know if you keep dodging work and coming home early, we are going to get very attached.”
“She’s been our good luck charm,” he crouched down next to the rocker. “You two look so beautiful like this.” He caressed Stacey-Ann’s cheek with his finger then reached up and touched Ellie’s cheek, “Have I told you how much I love you today?”
“Well, let’s see?” She turned her head slightly to kiss his hand, “At three this morning, then at five and finally at seven when you left for work.”
“You haven’t slept yet have you?” he asked, concerned, when she yawned. She had bags under her eyes and they were half closed.
“It’s good practice for the next baby.” she smiled tiredly. Why she would want another child, she could only chalk it up to the insane hormones. But she did want Stacey-Ann to have company and she also wanted Dale to have a son. Ellie loved her dad, and her dad had loved them, but he always kept wondering what if. Ellie didn’t want Dale to wonder what if.
“Another baby?” Carson asked, with a panicked laugh. He took his daughter from her mother’s arms when she pulled away from her breast, full of her mommy’s milk. The look of pain on Ellie’s face still haunted him. There was no way he was going to put her through that again.
“Yeah, maybe a boy.” she said, buttoning up her shirt.
“I don’t think so.” he made funny faces at Stacey-Ann but his audience just stared at him, a questioning look on her face.
Walking across the room, she wrapped her arms around his waist. “Dale you were an only kid and you said it sucked.” Carson raised his arm and tucked her under, and then he rocked, gently dancing with his two girls. “And I know what it’s like to have a dad try to turn me into a son,” she said, rocking with him. “I want us all to have what we want; you a son, Stacey-Ann a playmate and I a boy and a girl.”
“There is no guarantee the next one will be a boy.”
“Then we’ll keep trying until we get one.”
Carson kissed her forehead, “I’ll think about it.”
“You do know you have very little control over my reproductive system?”
Carson looked at her amused. He always thought he let her have everything she wanted because she was pregnant and he didn’t want to stress her, but it was becoming very apparent that he found it difficult to say no to her, and she was stubborn. “After five years.” he conceded.
“In one or two years,” she yawned again then placed her head on his chest. She wished Dale senior and Ann had stayed a while longer. Right now they would have been fussing over their granddaughter and she would be enjoying the comfort of her bed. “I don’t want a very large gap between the two of them.”
“How about you go sleep for a while, and I’ll look after the angel.” He walked her to the open double doors adjoining the two rooms, “I’ll tuck you in.” He pulled the bed covers down and waited for her to climb in, and then he pulled the covers up, securing her comfortably in between the sheets. “Comfy?”
“Very,” her eyes already closed, “Don’t forget to burp her, then change her and then…”
He cut her off, “Dance with her until she falls asleep. I know I’ve done this before.” He reached down and kissed her on the lips, “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Carson crossed back into the nursery and sat on the rocker, the baby secure in his arms. He left the doors open so that he could watch Ellie sleep, he loved watching his girls sleep- they looked so beautiful and peaceful. He also felt at peace having them close and in eye sight… but he couldn’t help but feel that something might still go wrong.
It was an inkling, an inkling he wished he didn’t have.