If the shadows want me that bad… if they are so desperate to have and consume me, they can have me. They can have all of me, even my last breath with that, so I choose death.
How foolish of me, how silly of me to believe I ever could be anything but another burden. No matter where I go, with whom I go, I become the same old burden I’ve been my entire life.
I won’t be the burden anymore; I won’t go back to that place. I can’t do it anymore. They’re right, I am not strong enough because I can’t even be bothered to try to fight again. I can’t build something from nothing just to have it all crash right before my eyes.
I can’t go back to living on autopilot. The very thought sickens me. I can’t go through motions and never allow myself to live in the moments. I can’t keep doing what is expected of me, while I never expect anything in return.
No. That isn’t life. Everything, how I have led my life so far, every moment and day, it isn’t living. Existence, painful and miserable, maybe, but not life. I can’t live like that anymore, I can’t let myself try to do that all over again. Can’t drag Kora through the flames of hell again; I can’t force her to endure me, can’t force her to go back to living for me because I am too weak to do it. If that is living, I want no part of it.
I am vaguely aware of my phone ringing beside the bed as I enter the bedroom. At least Lucas isn’t following me; he has enough understanding and decency in him to realize I need to be alone. I don’t need anyone near me, or hear the lies they want to tell to make me feel better about the complete destruction that my life is.
No ‘it’ll pass’ or ‘you are strong, you will get over it’ could ever make this, whatever it is anymore, better for me. No words, whispers, and hugs could take it back and make me happy again.
The phone keeps ringing as I approach the bedside table and glance at it. I watch his name pop up on the screen as the device vibrates off the bedside table and starts ringing all over again.
I release a shaky breath as I bend down to pick it up and unlock the phone. Kora is long gone, and I have no idea where she went. All I know is that she isn’t here anymore. She left me too, like everyone else has done. I’m not sure what hurts me more – the rejection or the fact that even my own wolf can’t stand to be with me anymore.
I don’t realize I am typing out a message until I hit send on it. Blinking, I stare at the message until the phone starts ringing in my hand again. I’m not sure if I do it because I’m surprised or because I don’t feel my hands anymore, but I drop the phone. I can’t tell what I am feeling, if I am feeling anything at all.
Slowly, I walk to the door and lock it before I sit down on the bed. I feel like I’m a bystander, watching myself walk and move. Kyan’s scent is everywhere and as I close my eyes to inhale it, I hear Lucas, who is trying to talk to me through the door. So much for giving me space.
I must have said something back because he leaves shortly after. I have no idea of the words I tell him; I don’t hear any that escape me. But I do hear his footsteps that echo in the hall as he leaves me. Now, finally, I am alone again. Whatever I told him must have convinced him I’m okay. If not anyone else, at least I know that I am anything but that.
Nothing new. It always ends in the same cycle – everyone believes I am fine, I pretend that I am, and then I bring my pain away from everyone who might see it and suffer behind closed doors.
This – the feeling, the soulless motions, it’s exactly what depression does to a person. Your life slips by without you realizing it is passing. And I… I can’t go back to that. I can’t enter another void. This is depression, pure and simple. A disease I can no longer live with and refuse to.
I can identify the traits because they have been mine for so long. However, even though I have been embracing and accepting it for such a long time, now, I refuse to live like that ever again. I refuse to give it my everything.
I refuse to let the state of my mind and pain make my family suffer again, especially if they are forced to watch me turn back to an empty shell of a person. Once again, I face the risk of going back to my parents like the daughter they never wanted, instead of the daughter they deserve.
No. I would rather be free of that. I rather drop my walls and free myself from the invisible chains that have kept me in the darkness for so long. The very chains that never allowed me to escape the abyss of my darkness and the shadows.
If my freedom, the only I can reach, is death… So be it.
Jonah
Something must have happened. And it has to be something important because I can feel yet another intense wave of pain rattle through my chest. It’s pure, raw agony that is coming from only one source, and surprisingly, that source is no one other than Kaif.
Since Kyan hasn’t bothered to answer his phone, no matter how many times I try to call him, I try the one person I know will take my call – Lucas.
As expected, he answers my call after the first signal and fills me in on everything that has happened. Apparently, Kyan had already left home and gone to work. At first, I thought it was odd for him to work while he was not obligated to, but once Lucas told me the part he should’ve started with, I understood why he left.
Kyan rejected Mara. I can’t fucking believe it…
I am about twenty minutes out of the city and driving like a madman, trying to get back to them. The issue is that I am torn between two decisions. I need to check on both Mara and Kyan. Also, there is something that keeps nagging at me as the uneasy feeling sinks deeper each time I redial her number and try to reach her. No answer.
Some gut instinct is telling me something is wrong. I know Kyan rejected her. There is no doubt that fact alone is the utter, crippling pain I feel coming from him and tearing Kaif apart.
Honestly, I have no idea how many attempts to call any of them and receive no answers at all; I give up and continue driving. I curse under my breath, but the row of colorful words is cut short as I feel a cold rush course through me. It’s so sudden, so freezing that it makes every single hair on my body stand up.
Jax whines restlessly, and I grab my phone to see a text message has popped up without me noticing. Relief floods me when I see it is from Marabella. All too soon, because the message itself makes my blood run cold, and I’m pretty sure it freezes up my heart and crushes it into crumbling pieces.
It should have been you. The message reads. I try to stay mindful of the road ahead of me as I read the message over and over again. But as I try to dial her number again, my hands are shaking so badly that I nearly swerve off the road.