Kyan likes having control, and cleanliness is something he feels he can control, that and everyone around him. I sigh, Mara is going to have to wait him out. He will come around; I remember how he was when she was a kid. Always following her around, always sticking up for her against her parents, constantly scolding her about her gloves.
I love her parents, but I partially blame them too; they make her fear herself. I wish they spent a little time trying to actually see what their daughter is going through. Not just wrap up the problem and carry on like everything is okay and she is doing fine. When she never really was.
Kyan even told them that. Dad had to get between Ezra and Kyan when he was sixteen, after she fell in the rapids. Her glove got caught on something that floated by while she reached for her broken kite that snapped off and went in the water. She was sucked under before we even realized she was gone. She almost lost her life, and I jumped in after her. I was so terrified of losing her. Still fucking am.
I even thought I would die that day; the rapids were too strong and swept me away with her almost instantly. Kyan, I now know, turned, and Kaif pulled us free. I always thought he was a figment of my imagination. Until Kyan turned back and was suddenly performing CPR on a lifeless Marabella.
She coughed and sputtered, spewing up water while I tried to catch my breath. He then took her memory of that day, before knocking her out and carrying her home. Even until today, that is a memory I will never forget.
When we got back to Mom and Dad’s, Ezra stopped to check on her, and Kyan tossed her gloves at him and lost it. Dad got between them, and told Kyan to walk it off. For weeks, Kyan blamed himself; he thought he almost killed her, all because he wasn’t watching her well enough, and she ran off out of sight for two seconds, while I blamed myself for distracting him. That obviously shows how much he cares for her. I just wish he wasn’t so harsh to her to her face.
We both knew she couldn’t swim. Mara hated water ever since she nearly drowned when some kids held her underwater in swimming lessons, and she refused to go back. I can’t blame her. The trauma of what those kids did, would make anyone stay away. Kat made their parents tread water until one passed out, and the others were stuck in the pool for hours until Mateo and mom managed to talk her down. Even to this day, Mara still won’t go near a deep body of water.
“You could always show her,” my wolf mutters as if he has any business to poke at my thoughts and memories.
“Show her what?’ I ask Jax.
“The home videos, you have a few here, don’t you? Maybe if you showed her, she would see he doesn’t hate her.” Fair point but…
“But do we want that?” I ask him, selfishly. I feel a little guilty for even thinking about this, but seriously. Do I want her to see them? Does he?
“It isn’t about what we want Jonah, it is the right thing to do, it may help her,” Jax reasons, and I know he is right. I fucking hate that he is right.
“Or maybe confuse her more,” I add.
Jax huffs loudly, wandering off, and I sigh, deciding to check on Mara when I hear the shower running. Approaching the bathroom door, I pause when I hear her quietly sobbing, and my heart twists for her. A wave of guilt rushes through me and I wish I could do something to make her feel better. I turn around slowly, leaning against the door.
I wait for Marabella to get out of the shower. Since I figure it has been a while already, I am about to knock on the door, but my phone suddenly starts ringing. Kyan’s picture pops up on my screen and distracts me. I reject the call, only for Kyan to ring again. Growling, I walk away from the bathroom and answer it.
“What, Kyan?” I ask, annoyed.
“Where is Marabella?” he snaps through the phone. Panic is clear in his voice, and now it slowly overtakes me, but I refuse to show it.
“In the shower. Why?” I growl.
“Fucking check on her!” he snaps, his voice coming off pained, and he groans.
I have never heard him like this before, and something in his voice makes me run toward the bathroom. I knock on the door, my blood pumps so hard through my veins I can hear it pulsing in my ears. “Marabella?” I call out when she doesn’t answer my knock. Fuck!
“Kick the fucking door down, Jonah!” Kyan yells at me.
Marabella
The water is so hot, the room fills with steam, and my skin turns bright red, yet I welcome the burning sensation. I will take anything to stop the pain in my chest, the sharp pain that feels like it is slowly compressing my lungs and squeezing the air out of me. It is blistering hot, my skin turns a dark red as the water beats against my flesh, but still, it is not enough.
The anger and hatred within me is so strong, I feel like I am going to combust. I want to hurt something, hurt someone instead of being the one that is always taking the blows. I am so tired of being the one who suffers in silence, yet the pain is something that just heightens the anger I feel.
I want the pain to stop. But at the same time, I need it too. I need it to prove myself that I am still here, still standing and breathing. It’s the only thing that proves that I am alive.
So, I turn the anger inward. I need the numbness to return. Depression is funny like that; one minute, you feel too much, and even breathing is too much effort, and other times you feel nothing at all. Blissfully numb and dead inside.
When I was a child, I heard all about mate bonds, and heard about the undying love that comes with it. Some fairytale ending we are all supposed to get. Once I hit high school, that dream soon faded; I wanted what my mother had. I wanted to be loved and to love back just as fiercely.
Be desired and desire someone else so much it would be blissfully painful. However, those expectations were unrealistic, and I see that now. Back then, my mother’s words made no sense to me when I asked if it was the same for everyone. She looked at me, her smile faded and slipped off her face. She got that strange look in her eyes as if she was seeing something I couldn’t see.