After a while, you no longer care. Your days become repetitive, going through the motions but not truly living the moments, locked within yourself but so familiar with the feeling, it becomes your comfort place.
Sometimes I wonder how it would feel to be happy, but even that in itself seems out of character, out of reach, something I’m never going to be destined for or experience, and I no longer even care.
I blink looking around, before looking down at myself. I realize Kora must have taken over and is only now giving me back control. I am dressed in my usual jeans and a black tank top with my leather Jacket.
She has a thing for leather, I think she likes how it smells. But once again my entire morning has slipped by and I am a passenger, letting Kora take over.
It is easier this way. For once, someone else deals with my daily struggle, the torment it is to be the burden. The constant feeling of wishing I was never born. I feel numb now, and it is better than feeling the darkness that is me.
Standing in the foyer, I come back to my surroundings. My hand is on the door handle and I can’t even remember walking down the stairs.
“Geez, Marabella, I told you we were leaving. I have been waiting twenty minutes for you,” my mother scolds as we walk out to the car.
“I don’t understand why I have to go. Just take Eziah. This is more his scene. He will be Alpha, not me,” I whine, dropping into the passenger seat. I really don’t want to go. I would rather just go back to bed, pull the cover over my face, and sleep the day away.
“And what’s your scene, Marabella? Sulking in your room day in and day out?” my mother asks as I clip my seatbelt in.
I frown. Can she hear my thoughts? I was just thinking that.
“Yep, sounds good to me,” I tell her. I’m surprised that my voice is coming off slightly bitchy. Not even caring that it is out of character for me to act this way. I just don’t care. Whatever.
“Well, haven’t you got quite the attitude today,” my mother says, reversing out.
I sigh and roll my eyes, quickly muttering an apology. My mother reaches over, squeezing my gloved hand gently. “You need to get out more honey, experience the world, your fathers and I worry you are becoming depressed. You have rarely left your room since school finished up. Are you missing your friends already? You know you can borrow the cars to go see them”, she speaks in a gentle tone.
I nearly snort a laugh at her words. Friends, like I would know what the heck a friend is besides Kora and Jonah. But they don’t even know that, or maybe they just pretend that I am normal and accepted by others.
Eventually, Mom gives up and leaves me to my own thoughts and my wolf’s unneeded musings. How she can be so positive is beyond me. She is always trying to find something to cheer me up, yet I see nothing to be excited about. I groan when we finally pull up to the hall where the meeting is being held. Let’s just get this over with! I hate being here.
“Not many will be here. It isn’t a big meeting this year,” my mother rattles on.
Like I gave a crap. I am not an Alpha, and I have no intention of being one. No one would follow me, anyway. Alpha to the shadows. I chuckle to myself, and my mother raises an eyebrow at me.
I always feel awkward going anywhere with her. She looks the same age as me, never changing, and could pass as my sister. Same with both my father’s – never changing and always remaining the same.
My father, Mateo, nearly punched a man out once who assumed I was his girlfriend. Amongst humans, my mother and I just say we are sisters. It is easier than the truth and we will probably be in a looney bin if we mutter anything about the Moon Goddesses and werewolves.
“Oh look, Jonah is here,” my mother says, and my head instantly snaps up.
A silly grin splits onto my face before it flushes with heat. Please don’t embarrass me, mom! She is always trying to set us up. I know he isn’t related, but that doesn’t make it any less awkward when she is shoving me towards him every two seconds. Plus, I can tell it makes Jonah super uncomfortable.
Jonah never says anything or seems upset about it. Yeah, I suppose a girl can dream. Yet, I know he would never want me. No one ever does. Sometimes, I wonder if it would have been easier if Eziah just absorbed me in the womb. The thought makes me feel relieved and sad at the same time. No matter how it makes me feel most of the time, I always find myself wandering back to that pit and imagining that outcome over, and over again.
Jonah taps on my window, a big smile on his face, and he quickly opens my door. “There’s my favorite girl!” he says, not even giving me a chance to get out of the car before he is leaning in and unclipping my seatbelt.
He pulls me from the car. His words make my heart skip a few beats while his closeness clouds my mind.
“See, perfect couple,” my mother says.
Real subtle mom! Jonah says nothing, instead he crushes me against him. I am smothered in his scent and Kora purrs, content. She has said a couple of times that she has always liked Jonah. Kora always found him to be a comfort. Yet, despite that, as I see him now, it saddens me.
All her words, his undying positivity and nice words. All of that saddens me because now I have Kora and one thing becomes abundantly clear: he isn’t my mate.
Jonah has a mate out there somewhere, and it won’t be me. That thought sends me spiraling, because I know eventually he will have nothing to do with me once he finds her.