“What about your mates? Have you told them? I sensed some tension between you and Ezra.” I glance at the door to make sure no one is listening in on our conversation.
“Yeah, we are fine, Ezra worries. He thinks I am taking on too much. Mateo, he is great with the kids. Honestly, I feel like a shitty mom. I feel like all I do is work, and when I am not working, I am exhausted or so stressed that I am cranky.” Another heavy sigh leaves her lips.
“Have you told them this?” I ask her, and she shakes her head.
“Why not?” I frown.
“Because there are some things I can’t speak about, there will be consequences if I do. It could change things and make them worse.”
“Ok, so what worries you most, then?” I shift my weight from one leg to another, growing a little anxious.
“My kids, becoming the Moon Goddess. When I first met Ezra, I never would have predicted how much my life would change, not that I hate it. They are great, but sometimes I think I grew up too fast.” She lets out a breath. “Before, I was just trying to go unnoticed, and now everything I do is criticized and judged. There is no hanging out with friends, no social life, and no time for anything anymore. I didn’t think it would be this hard,” she says, looking down at Marabella.
I walk around the couch and sit on it. “What’s hard, you can tell me. I won’t say anything to your mates, Kat,” I tell her, and she chews her bottom lip, sucking it into her mouth before looking at the ceiling.
“I feel like an imposter. I don’t know who I am anymore. Everyone expects so much of me, and I don’t know if I can live up to their expectations. I feel like I am failing everything and everyone,” she says, closing her eyes and resting her head against the wall.
“I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t this. When I found out I was pregnant, I had unrealistic expectations of what it would be like to have children and unrealistic ideas about becoming Luna. Everything I thought my life would be was wrong. I get it now. I was so angry at her for lying to me for so long that all I could see was that betrayal, even with dad. He kept what I was from me, so many secrets, but I get it now. I know they did it to protect me, and having my own kids and knowing what I know, I want to protect them from it too. I get it. I get why they lied. I’m now doing the same.”
“What do you mean?” I ask her.
“I mean that the secrets we keep trying to protect those we love. They eat at you and make you question whether you are hurting them more by keeping it from them, but when you know the consequences of telling them, you risk losing them. But I get it now, I just wished I realized it sooner. I’ve spent so long angry at her, angry at everyone, that I forgot for a second how much I loved her, what she sacrificed for me, who she was. Same with dad, he left me, and I hated that he did, but after mom died, I realized I only hurt myself by being angry at them. You never know when the day will come when you have to say goodbye to them,” she says, sniffling and wiping her nose.
“Have you said this to Ezra or Mateo?” She shakes her head.
“They don’t get it. Ezra and Maddox hated my mother. Even now, he doesn’t understand how I forgave her. He is thankful for what she did, but he never forgave her. Mateo understands, despite that, I put too much pressure on him with the kids. I don’t need to burden him with me being a crybaby,” she says, tugging at the thin blanket to throw over Marabella as she rolls on her side.
“Gosh, I miss her, she was a tough woman, she would have kicked my ass, literally, for moping about and told me to get my shit together, but that’s ok because she would be there to catch me when I fall. Now I have to catch myself and everyone else and not being able to tell Ezra and Mateo certain things. It’s so lonely,” she whispers the last words.
Kat closes her eyes and rubs her temples like she has a headache before opening her eyes to look at me. I can see her pain. She wears it so plainly, I’m surprised no one else can see it.
“I have lost the image of who I thought I was and who I thought I would be, and now, looking at everything that has happened, I realize I am a stranger within myself. Trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations, and I lost myself in it,” Kat whispers.
I feel terrible for her. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be responsible for not just a pack but every pack, while trying to raise her kids and be a good mate. It has to be too much.
“Everyone has a breaking point, Kat. But when you reach it, you just have to remember to toss the broken pieces away. Don’t let their sharpness cut you to pieces, and don’t worry about what you can’t change or fix. Focus on what matters, what’s right in front of you. Anger and hate are heavy to carry, they damage the carrier more.”
Kat laughs, and her face turns red. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. Here I am, moping about being Queen and a mother when you had to fight for your son. When you have been put through the worst situations ever, and I am here whining about my protected childhood and having to be an adult,” she laughs, shaking her head.
“You don’t need to apologize, Kat, your feelings aren’t invalid, and you can’t imagine what I have been through, just like I can’t imagine what you have been through or the pressures on you. I count myself pretty lucky, despite everything. I would go through it all again just to be here right now. God only knows if I would have found Jonah or Andrei if I didn’t have that life, so as much as it sucked, I came out of it with two people I couldn’t imagine living without,” I tell her.