Our relationship, or whatever it was, had taken a toll on how I felt being around him. But that was soon put to rest, once I felt his lips on mine again, and for a moment, all was right in the world, as it should’ve been from the beginning.
Only problem was, Sam wasn’t enough.
The days were passing too slowly, and I was growing more and more impatient with the current status of not only Sam’s and I’s situation, but Theo’s and I’s too.
Moving in with him, temporarily, changed things.
He wasn’t one to miss opportunities – I would often saunter into the room in just a towel after a shower, and his glance would linger, but he wouldn’t do a thing about it.
I would suggest a movie, to which he’d agree, but then he’d always move back to the couch after I’d fall asleep. It was as if we were turning into Dove and Sam, and my fantasy with him was transforming into my biggest fear.
Why wasn’t he touching me?
Was he not as sexually attracted to me anymore?
It frustrated me to think that I was finally getting all the privacy, all the time in the world that I wanted and needed, that we both did, for him to not pay any attention to me.
But with the little dignity I had left, I couldn’t bring myself to question him.
We briefly talked, too. He would leave in the afternoons for a few hours to get some practice in, or he would make excuses that he had plans.
I knew Yasmine was amongst those plans, and I was livid.
I was living in his fucking apartment, I was sharing his shower, and I was sleeping in his bed.
But she probably had done all of those things prior to me too, so I don’t know why they made me feel so special.
My jealously was seriously becoming a worry – I didn’t have a right to be jealous with him, or to wonder where he could possibly be.
Was he really out with friends, or did that general term extend to his special cases of friendship too?
He would come back just before dinner, never too late, and mostly on time.
We’d eat in silence, and he’d make small talk right after, but it was always the same few bullshit questions and answers.
He never kept me from going out, but I didn’t have the energy to explore, especially by myself.
Part of me wanted to selfishly ask him to take me out, but I knew that wouldn’t be a good idea – some people were still on campus for the week off, and we couldn’t risk getting caught together, even if in the past four days we didn’t so much so as accidentally touch one another.
I needed him to touch me.
And so, on the fifth day, after having spent the entire day watching his matches, and him watching my stupid romcoms, I decided to clean myself up and take a shower.
“I’m heading out, won’t be long!”
For fuck’s sake, why was this guy always so fucking preoccupied?
“Where are you going?” I ask, for the first time, feeling brave.
The door separating his bathroom and bedroom helped, because he couldn’t see how exasperated and fed up I had looked in that moment, and frankly, he didn’t need to know.
“You don’t need to know that,” he snapped, and I could hear the faint jingle of keys.
That’s it.
I grab a towel off the rack to cover my naked body, and step out of the shower before I even had a chance to turn the water on, then go to unlock the bathroom door.
“That’s not an answer,” I reply, equally as harshly, and for a moment he doesn’t speak, and his eyes take me in.
But again, nothing happens.
“What the fuck is your problem? You’re not my girl. Chill with the personal fucking questions,” he growls, and steps out into the living room, but I follow him.
“Why have you been acting like such a fucking dick ever since you brought me here? In fact, why did you even bring me here, if you clearly didn’t want to be in the company of a houseguest?”
“And where do you propose I should’ve taken you instead, then? Your Sam?” He’s mocking me, and he’s using recent insecurities against me, as defence.
Well actually, Sam became an insecurity since the day I met Theo.
“Don’t. You don’t get to throw that in my face, you don’t even know what happened.”
“Yeah, because you won’t fucking tell me.”
I look away, and he takes this as his cue to advance towards the door.
“Look, I meant what I said. I want you to stay here because -”
“Because you pity me, and you know I have no other place to go. You’re playing on my biggest fucking insecurity, and I won’t entertain it, Theo. Just say the words, and I’ll leave.”
“And go where?” He smirks, and cocks his head to the side as if to rile me.
When I don’t answer, he nods his head, and licks his lips to speak again,
“Thought so. See you in two hours.”
And just like that, he was out the door, leaving me to erupt into tears.
Why was I always crying? I was so sick and tired of crying all the time.
But my tears weren’t even for him at this point – they were for myself.
Because yeah, I was a terrible person for cheating on Sam, for lying to him.
But this is something no one deserved, to feel as if they didn’t have a constant in life.
And I had just lost mine, and Theo wasn’t willing to take his place.
But I knew that from the start – Theo was not Sam.
And he never would be.