Even after realising that my lies were surely catching up to me, that it wasn’t long before people started to notice my weird behaviours, especially Sam, I still couldn’t stop running back to him.
Addictions don’t give you that freedom.
The freedom to end a wrong thing, and go back to the way your life was before.
And so we kept going – not to spite Sam, or Yasmine, or anyone for that matter.
But because we simply couldn’t get enough.
I tug on my skirt and smooth out the wrinkles in my tank top, before warning Theo to not follow me out there straight away.
Noticing my discomfort at the length of the skirt still, his lips pull into a mocking smirk.
“You could just take it off.”
“You’re gross,” I giggle, and he grabs a hold of my waist, pulling me back to him.
“Theo!” I complain, trying to detach his hands from my body and return to the field in time for the second half.
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” he said, a hint of annoyance clear in his tone.
I get it – I was annoyed too. Annoyed that we couldn’t spend the rest of halftime together, annoyed that we had to sneak off like this.
But Sam was waiting for me out there, and I couldn’t risk losing him.
I couldn’t risk him finding out.
“Can I walk you home tonight?”
“Sam probably drove here, so….”
“Oh,” he hung his head, and in that moment I felt a wave of saddens wash over me.
I didn’t want to go back out there to Sam.
I wanted to stay here, with Theo, forever.
But that was a fairytale I could only dream of living.
“Well, you better get back out there,” he clears his throat, and drops his hands from my hips. The loss of contact caused me to whimper in a low voice, which I so desperately hoped he didn’t hear.
I made my way over to the front of the stands, stealing a quick glance at the clock and noticing that there were still six minutes left before I had to be back to centre for halftime cheer.
“Where did you go?” Sam’s familiar voice booms from behind me, and I turn around, my hands shaking by my side uncontrollably, and bile rising in my throat.
“I, uh…. just to take a phone call,” I try to explain, but my obvious stutter didn’t aid in my already terrible lie.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, what else would I be doing?”
“Who were you on the phone with?”
“Sam, seriously? This is ridiculous! You don’t need to know that!” My voice breaks slightly, but I try to show some attitude, in hopes that he sees how wrong it was of him to interrogate me in this way.
But then Theo appears in my view, and I see him walk towards the group of girls, hugging Yasmine and Mia as he passes by them.
My blood suddenly begins to boil – I knew he was still seeing Yasmine, but he never did anything with her in front of me; at least he had that much respect. But seeing him now, even if it was just a simple hug, sent me over the edge, and the only person I had in front of me to snap at was Sam.
“God! You can’t act like this! You can’t just show up to the game, after practically ignoring me all week, and making excuses for your studies, then doubt me when I tell you I was taking a phone call for a few minutes! You don’t own me, Sam!”
Everything around us fell to silence, and after realising what I had just done, I wanted the ground to swallow me whole.
All eyes were on us, and quiet murmurs between some people were shared.
And him.
His green eyes filled with worry, confusion, empathy, and everything else in between, as he stared right at me, and at the scene unfolding before him.
But I didn’t need his fucking empathy.
I needed him to have not heard that argument all together – because it was none of his business, and knowing Theo, he would implicate himself in, just as he did last time.
This wasn’t supposed to become so messy, and so public, so soon.
“Sam, I didn’t mean -”
“I’m going back to the apartment. Enjoy the rest of the game,” he put up a hand to silence me, and spoke the words in a low voice, as to avoid any more attention.
And after he left, all eyes shifted towards me, and me only.
And all I could see was him.
But he remained still, anxious to take a step back, or a step forward. I could tell he was treading lightly, but part of me questioned whether he would really have the guts to comfort me in the eyes of the public.
But I’m not exactly sure if I wanted him to.
And so I took off running, like I always did. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me, not worrying about being here to cheer the rest of the game, not caring about the team or the crowd, perhaps not even caring about Theo in this moment.
I could hear the faint shouts of my name falling from his lips, but I couldn’t bring myself to turn around and let him stop me.
I had to get away – and there was only one person, aside from him, who could bring me peace right now.
Going back to the apartment would’ve been a mistake – I couldn’t face Sam, not after that.
Going back to Theo would complicate this mess tonight even further, and I didn’t need the additional guilt.
And so, I raced to the dorm rooms building, and up the flight of stairs until I reached Lilian’s door.
I must’ve knocked for hours. Knocking and waiting, knocking some more, trying so desperately to open that door.
But that night, Lilian never showed up.
I hadn’t seen her in the crowd, and my phone was dead.
I hadn’t spoken to her that whole week since the last game, come to think of it.
And so for the first time ever, I was running, but with no person to run to.