The blankets are soft against my skin. Light pours in through the closed shutters, giving a dim warmth to the room, and I feel his arms around me. I feel his shallow breaths just reach the back of my neck. I feel like another version of myself, one that I’ve never met, but one that takes away the anxiety and sadness that clouded my mind before. I’m still Rae, but I’m Content Rae. I’m Satisfied Rae. I’m Rae who just might be okay in the end.
Right here, in this spot, I feel happy. It’s a light, cozy happiness that kisses your cheek in the morning and again before you fall asleep. It’s breathless and smells like home. It’s a cracked but lush sidewalk, filling up the holes with color and life. It’s summer days and nights on the beach, hearing nothing but the waves. Happiness is me and my one true partner acting as a team and not as enemies. It’s experiencing my lowest point then my highest, and being able to appreciate it, being able to let the past go.
I was young and angry at my world. My family was broken, my father was dead, a self-hatred grew and devoured me. I was reckless and obsessed at the same time, acting like a fool towards others and revealing the pain only to myself. James knows that I was suffering, he’s seen the outcome of years of my convincing. He doesn’t have to ask me if I hated myself in the past because as Theresa said, he observes, he reads people, he was a quiet child who had to do it to understand his family. That’s what we share, a broken family and years of getting over it. We both have sloppily tried to heal our wounds, but it wasn’t until now that I feel the bleeding coming to a stop.
James shifts beside me, holding me tighter. He takes a deep breath as if he’s preparing to wake up soon. I slip out of bed and head into the bathroom, feeling a little sore but relaxed overall. Turning to the shower, I step right in and turn it on, letting the cold shock me awake for the second it lasts before becoming warm. I wash my hair and rinse it all out, enjoying the fresh smell of the shampoo when I hear James and feel his hands wrap around me the way I once imagined them. “Good morning,” he hums in my ear.
I’ve never felt so close to someone, so dependent, and so cared for. The trust established between us is permanent and we both understand the vulnerability we’ve given to each other. We know how it feels to be crossed, and we agreed that those feelings should never be felt again. Since our talk, since he marked me, and since we are fully mated, we’ve agreed to work as a team. Alpha and Luna.
“Good morning,” I mumble back, too focused on his hands to remember where I am.
After our shower and after we’ve dressed ourselves and brushed ourselves and smiled at each other, we walk downstairs together. Theresa and Gail seem quite surprised and quickly make room for us at the table. “You want the usual?” Gail asks me.
“What’s the usual?” James questions and I blush, feeling giddy already. Such little things have become so exciting.
“Pancakes,” I say, smiling.
Gail makes some for the both of us, and while bringing forkfuls to my mouth I can’t help but keep the smiling act going. The sudden rush of emotions and sensations given to me have sent me overboard. Images come to my mind from last night and just earlier this morning. The feelings run through my body again, my nerves not wanting to forget what it all felt like. A deep wave washes over me, sending a chill up my spine.
In my state of infatuation, I wonder if this is a temporary fix like the alcohol was. I wonder if I’ll find myself sobering up any minute only to obsess and nitpick at what we had done last night. Maybe I should hold onto this moment while I can, just in case I am shoved off another cliff. It is a terrifying thought, wondering if Nightmare Rae will come again and lay me down in the bathtub. Needing to get away from such ideas, I fork another bite into my mouth and look up at James. “I’ll come with you today, to talk to your father. I feel like I should be there too.”
“You can come if that’s what you really want. I’d hate for you to get upset again if he said something offensive.”
I shake my head. “No, I’ll be fine. I want to be there for you.”
I stand in my mirror while James waits downstairs for me. Sometimes I don’t know who I’m looking at, if it’s Old Rae, or Nightmare Rae, or Content Rae. The worrying part is, that I don’t remember Rae. I don’t remember a time when I was simply me, and that makes my skin curl. If I had to guess, I stopped being Rae after my father’s death, but even then I was too young to make a person of myself.
Somethings I need to keep to myself, and one is this. Even if James never hurt me, if he was freakishly perfect, I wouldn’t try and explain these moments to him. It’s not for anyone but me, whoever I am today. That is the one thing all of my versions have in common, they understand that these thoughts are to never be shared. It is not because I am embarrassed or dodging the fact that something may be wrong with me, it is because there is just no way for me to explain it and keep the reputation I have in everyone’s head. As of now, Gail and Theresa think I’m a sad girl who needs more love, Theodore probably finds me crazy and reckless, and my mother thinks I’m a stubborn child, and I can handle this way.
After my first gathering, at the fragile age of sixteen, I had promised myself that I could be happy without a mate. It took me nearly four years to realize that wasn’t true. It’s possible that I’m one of those people who just need more time than others. Gail and Theresa already know about my incident, and that is as much as they ever need to know.
I meet James downstairs and we walk side by side towards the Eastern borders where his father has been working on the rogue issue. Along the way, James talks about going on runs together, and his desire to converse about more things we can do with each other brings back hits of the lightness I felt earlier. My fear of losing this happiness is holding me back from fully embracing it, but sometime along the way I forget about my prodding thoughts and limit myself to listening to him.
When we come up to a few guards, James’ demeanor changes and I know it’s because Alpha-mode must take over to keep loyalty. He asks where his father is and one of the three says “he’s just through those trees.”
Part of me wants to grab James’ hand, but the other knows that I must be a strong individual, showing everyone that I am an independent and serious Luna. That is the best kind, right?
James spots his father grouped with more guards, all looking tired, sweaty, and pink. His father sees us right away and excuses himself from the commotion, obviously in charge of the bunch. One or two wolves emerge from the trees, shifting and causing me to swiftly look away, focusing on his father again. “We have to talk,” James starts, sounding firm. “We think it’s time you went back home. The rogue problem is dying down and I’m sure I can take over from here.”
His father wipes the droplets of sweat from his forehead, glancing at me, knowing I complained. I stand my ground and puff up my chest, not wanting to show the nervousness pumping through me. “Are you sure?” He asks carefully and does not seem normal. He talks as if he is still Alpha, he continues to use the tone of an Alpha, and I’m sure James doesn’t appreciate it. “The rogues are starting to leave, yes, but there are still so many to go. Really, I believe there is a camp forming and I think I should be here to handle it.”
James clenches his jaw. “And you think I can’t? Have you forgotten about the camp problems two years ago that I stopped in a week?”
His father looks at me again, sighing. “You don’t have to make up all of this. I know why you want me gone.”
“I’m sure you were a wonderful Alpha,” I join in, “and I know James appreciates all you’ve done for the pack while I’ve been sick, but we’re back on track and are ready to handle everything again. I’m sure you want to get back to relaxing, right? How about we just let James do his job?”
Just before James’ father can respond, James surprises me by saying, “No. You’re right. You do know why you have to leave.”
I look up at James quickly thinking about grabbing his hand now just to stop him from going overboard, but it’s too late.
“That entire dinner all you did was criticize Rae and the way we’re doing things. She is my mate, she is the Luna of this pack, not some twisted version of my mother. You need to leave because I don’t want you around her, and I’m sure after throwing all of your ‘improvements’ at her, she doesn’t want you here either. If you can’t be supportive and encouraging towards my mate, you have to leave, and I have enough evidence to kick you out right now without hesitation. Either you leave peacefully and avoid completely cutting ties with me and this pack, or we do things the hard way.”
I grab his hand.
His father nods, clearly upset. “Don’t worry,” he mutters backing up, “I’ll go. But when you need my help again, which you will, I expect an apology.”
James squeezes my hand, pulling me closer as we watch his father walk away. “Get back to work,” he tells the nearby guards and they immediately turn and continue with whatever they were doing before the argument just now. He leads me back in the direction we came from, not letting go of my hand. I quickly catch up to his pace.
“Where are we going?” I ask, hurrying along.
“We’re going to make plans for your announcement. We’ll have a party and I’ll invite the leadership of other packs and everyone can dress up. I’ll send invitations and we can have it in the ballroom.”
I slow down, causing James to snap back to reality. “You don’t have to do all of that,” I say, genuinely not expecting such lavish and grand event. Just thinking about more Alphas and Luna’s and Betas and everyone in some privet version of the gathering, with more dresses and ties and casual conversations, makes me need to stop and rest for a moment.
“I want everyone to know,” he says, fueled. “You deserve for everyone to know. You deserve a nice party.”
We continue back towards the pack house and I tell Gail and Theresa of James’ plans as he makes a few calls. They seem excited by the idea of a party and tell me that it’d be good for me, but they only think I’m a sad girl who needs more love and don’t know about Rae who struggles at public events, and now I am doubting my theory that I’m fine with people knowing what they know. Maybe I should blend all of the versions of myself into one, but the more that I think about that idea, the more I worry that some are stronger than the others. I don’t know who would take over the rest, and I’m scared that may be the girl who lays in the bathtub.
If I embrace her, she may strangle the others and eventually her hands would be around my neck.
So I agree with Gail and Theresa, finding my way back to Content Rae.