Andrei
“It’s been one year since you left.” Avalyn’s hollow echoed in the observatory.
She was sitting crossed leg in front of the Bonsai tree with her back to me. I don’t even think she heard me enter. I’m not sure if she was even aware of anything around her. Or that she has been here since two hours. I know she comes here every night when the twins are sleeping and she thinks that nobody notices. But I hear her sneak out of her room and every night and I follow her every night just to make sure she is safe or she doesn’t do anything stupid. It’s normally half an hour or one hour at the most before she returns to her bedroom.
But today, it’s been well over two hours and I got worried so I decided to step inside the observatory and check in on her.
“It’s been one year since I could feel the warmth of your chest, since I could admire your beautiful grey eyes and the happiness in your smile.” She was talking to Nikolai. “I dared to go to balcony today. The ocean reminded me of you. It made me miss you so much,” her shoulders shook as she cried.
Tears rose in my eyes and I looked at the ceiling to stop them from falling down my cheeks. I glared at the moon through the glass pane.
How could Mother Luna do this? How could she just take him away like that? He had so much to live for. He was happy. Finally happy. But she took him away from us.
“T-today was one of those days that I had to skip breakfast again.” Her voice quivered but she didn’t let herself stumble over her words. It was almost like she wanted to show Nikolai that despite everything, she was being strong. “I can’t stand pancakes. Or waffles. Or chocolate. Or strawberries. Or coffee. How can I eat when you will never be able to?” The room was saturated with the smell of her salty tears and the smell of her deep, heart-breaking pain.
“I miss you. I miss me. I miss being happy. I miss the days when nothing apart from you mattered. The days when the house echoed with our laughs and growls. Oh those were days.” Sobs wrecked her body. She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs and cried.
My heart broke. If I could, I would have exchanged my life for his in an instant.
Yes, they would be sad and in pain. But they would move on.
Nikolai, on the other hand, he has a mate and two beautiful kids. Avalyn will never move on. She will always be this miserable. Her kids will grow up not knowing how awesome their father was or how great of a man he was. The Kingdom will never have a King as great as him. Max, Nat and I were taking responsibility for everything going on but it’s taking a huge toll on us. I don’t know how Nikolai and Avalyn did it and made it seem so easy.
Dimitri was still dealing with everything that happened with Althea. He ran back to the beach mansion in his fur and hadn’t looked back. Mikhail went after him to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid. Mikhail said he had a few… close calls, but he was doing a little better. He just didn’t want to do anything related to the Kingdom anymore, especially with Nikolai gone too…
We would go visit him sometimes but he didn’t even acknowledge us. It was like we weren’t even there.
My brother just needed time.
With so many of us gone, our family felt broken.
But maybe, we just needed time as well.
“… you’re gone but the weight of your memories is too heavy of a load for my shoulders because I know we won’t be making any more. You’re gone, Nik.” Avalyn’s voice shook. “And you took my happiness with you when you left. Your absence has left me lost. And I-I’m not sure I know how to find my way back again.”
The pain in her voice was too much.
I didn’t know how to help her. What to say. How to make it better.
But there was nothing I could say or do that would make it better. Nikolai is gone. And he isn’t coming back.
“I don’t know how to be a mother. I don’t know how I can fill a father’s void. I don’t want to fill your void. I want them to miss you too. Does that make me a bad mother?”
I swiped my wet cheek. Oh Goddess.
“My arms search for you at night, finding nothing but the cold bed. Meanwhile in my dreams, I reach for your hand and you are right there.” She rocked back and forth. “The bed’s cold without you. Everything hurts. And yet I feel numb. I want to kill myself and be with you again but the kids… you’d hate me for being selfish.”
“Avalyn…” my voice shook as I called her.
She whipped her head around, as if only now realising that someone was here. Her tear streaked cheeks met mine. And more tears rose in her eyes when she saw me crying.
Her red lips quivered before she turned around to look at the tree again.
My knees felt weak when I walked forward and sat beside her as she cried.
I don’t know for how long we sat and I heard her cry her little heart out. For some reason, sitting here brought me peace, like I was closer to Nikolai somehow. Did she feel that way too? Was that why she came here? So she could mourn him in peace?
“I miss him.” She said quietly, her voice melancholy. “So much it hurts. Will this pain ever go away?”
She didn’t give me much time to answer, her thoughts miles away from here.
“I try not to think about it all. No matter how hard I try to distract myself. Nothing makes me feel better.” I know she tried not to cry in front of the kids. She tried to smile and pretend to me happy, or normal at least. But there were times she would break down and then they would start crying too. And that made her cry more.
“It will go away eventually. The aching will go away. I promise.” I said, trying to convince both of us.
She can’t be sad forever right?
“I -I don’t want it to go away. Feeling the pain of his loss is better than being happy,” she whispered.
I scooted closer to her and wrapped my arm around her shoulder, offering her comfort. “He would want you to happy, Avalyn.”
“And I wanted him to live. Not everyone gets what they what,” she lowered her head to my shoulder and more tears slid down her face.
“He would be so pissed right now.” An empty chuckle escaped my lips. “I’m pretty sure he is growling at me from heaven right now, asking me to stop touching you.”
A sob mixed with a laugh left her throat, “if he’s so mad, he can come down here and say it to your face.” She raised her hands to wipe her cheeks and she stared aimlessly at the tree again, “please come back to me, Nik.”
I wiped a lone tear from my own cheek.
I wish I could actually make him mad enough that he had to come back.
“The sun’s rising, we should go.” I looked at the sky.
Her eyes widened. “The twins. I need to check on them.” She was on her feet in an instant. They were the only ones that kept her going. They were the reason Avalyn was alive, they were the reason she woke up every morning and got out of bed. They were the reason she smiled.
I got up and then we made our way back to our quarters. We climbed upstairs together before we parted ways to go to our own rooms.
I decided to get an hour’s sleep before I heading for training. I had a headache and Chiara would handle it.
I decided to check up on the kids before I fell asleep. It must be day time in the States anyways. I had a feeling that today was going to be a long day. Talking to them always helped. I picked up my phone and called Mrs. Harrison.
“Hello, Andrei.” She greeted.
“Hello Mrs. Harrison. Are Vanessa or Adrian around?” I asked. Normally I could have chatted with her for a while but I was in no mood right now.
“Well, Adrian is home with a babysitter and I’ve brought Nessa to her friend Allie’s birthday party.” She said and I could hear some screaming in the background.
“Oh,” Van must be busy. “I guess I’ll just call later.”
“Is it Andrei?” Van screamed in the background.
“It is.” I could hear the smile in Mrs. Harrison’s voice before Vanessa screamed through the speakers, “Andrei! I missed you!”
It seemed like someone had too much sugar.
“I missed you too, little one.” I smiled. She always managed to put me in a good mood.