“How can you do your best when you’re on the brink of death?” His voice was thick when he asked a question I had no answer for. “You’ve grown so thin. So weak. You can barely use your powers. You barely eat. Or drink. You can barely walk for ten minutes. You’re constantly tired. You barely come out of the west wing. You’ve shut everyone out-you’ve shut yourself out. You’re dying in front of my eyes. I can’t bear to see it. It physically hurts me to see you hurting.”
Sobs wrecked my body upon hearing his words. I hadn’t thought it would be this hard for him. I hadn’t been thinking much about him at all.
“I’m telling you my heart’s honest wishes, Ava. You’re the one whom I love the most. You’re the only one I love. I find myself incapable of loving anyone who is the cause of your pain. And realistically speaking, even if I try to love them, it wouldn’t be from my heart. I don’t want to become like my father. A man who displayed affection to his son in front of everyone and cruelty behind closed doors.”
“You’re not your father, Nikolai,” my heart clenched upon realising his biggest source of insecurity. “You love your family. And they’re not even your blood. Our children are. I’m sure you will love them. I have no doubt. You will be an amazing father, Nikolai.” The tears in my eyes resurfaced. I’ll never get the chance to be a mother. “How about we do something similarly to the mate-pact? The only difference will be that you would join me on the other side of the moon once our kids are a little older and can take over the Kingdom? I’d say eighteen years?”
Eighteen years. I’d have to spend eighteen years apart from him. Even the thought filled me with dread. I could barely control myself the one month we spent apart.
He shook his head, “too long. And there’s no saying when one is truly mature. Age isn’t a factor. I’d join you as soon as you go anyways. Let my brothers be useful for once and raise them.”
“They’re our kids and our responsibility, not theirs. And I’d hate for them to grow up without any parent.” I whispered. I would not subject upon my children what I had gone through.
“We’re at an impasse, Love,” he looked away.
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Are you really okay with dying?” His tone tugged at my heart. “Not knowing when we’ll see each other next. Not being with me? Not living with me? Our family? Our people? You’ve barely started living your life. You haven’t seen a fraction of what the world has to offer. You haven’t even seen all of what I have to offer. We’ve barely been together for a year. I’ll be good to you, Avalyn. I promise. Everyday. I’ll do what you want, just as you like it. We can celebrate more birthdays. Go to more carnivals, see different countries, try out different food…” he didn’t need anything to bribe me but himself.
“Sounds tempting but I-”
“I saw a future with you. I saw us spending our whole lives-centuries together. You’re my soul mate. You’re supposed to love me more. The most. If a future without me doesn’t break your heart then I don-”
“It does, Nikolai, it does!” I cried, hugging him to me. “I’m scared out of my mind. Don’t you see that? Don’t you realise that? I’m terrified of dying, not knowing what life is after death, I’m terrified of living without you. And I’m absolutely petrified of our children never knowing me, growing up without me, forgetting me, or worse, never loving me!”
“Then don’t put yourself in the position to face those fears!” His voice raised.
“I’m not going to kill my children!” I screamed, getting off his lap and putting distance between us. He refused to understand where I was coming from.
“Our children.” He corrected.
“Really, Nik? Our?” My stomach churned as I readied myself for the fight I knew was coming. “That’s rich coming from you. Not once have you caressed my belly that hold ‘our’ children. Hell, you’ve not even touched it! Not once have you referred to them as your children. What do refer to them as? Spawns of Satan. That was it, wasn’t it?”
He cringed when he realised I knew. And that made me angrier than I was.
“You’re just a sperm donor.” I hissed, glaring up at him. “That’s all you are. My father gave away his life for me. It’s a shame my mate isn’t half the man he was.”
His self-depreciating smile made me want to hurt myself for saying hurtful words. “I never claimed to be a good man. I’ve always been the villain. The monster. A hero would kill his Love if it meant he was doing something good for the world. I would burn the whole world down to ashes if it means you’re mine forever.”
His love was for me ran so deep, it was so intense, that sometimes, it scared me.
He paced around the room, trying and failing to search for the right words. Finally, he sat down on the edge of the bed, rested his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He remained silent for what seemed like hours but were mere minutes. But I could feel him reeling in his scattered emotions. He was closing off. I could no longer feel his emotions.
“I can’t do this Avalyn.” His voice was void of all emotions when he said it.
I know it was incredibly selfish of me to ask him to raise two children he never wanted, especially when I couldn’t be there myself. But they were simply innocent little lives growing inside of me each second. I counted myself lucky to even experience this. I’d remember this forever, this was the only experience I would be able to have as a mother. And despite everything Nik said, I refused to believe that he would not be able to love them, especially once he rests his eyes upon them. I’ve seen him with children, he adores them. There was no way he’d hate his own. He has to love them. He just has to.
“Yes you can, Nikolai.” I asserted.
He shook his head, not meeting my eyes all this while, “you just don’t get it, do you?”
“You’re being stubborn.” I pressed my lips together.
My breath got caught in my throat when his dark grey eyes met mine. They were void of all emotions. Except that of finality. He had decided what upon something. I knew it. And judging from his cold behaviour, I knew it was something I would hate.
I backed away from him, covering my belly with both my hands.
He stood up and I felt a dark… aura rolling off of him. Whatever he had decided was not good. For the first time in my whole life, I was scared of him.
“Stay right there, Nikolai,” I warned. For some reason, I felt like I had to protect myself from my own saviour. I instinctively knew that I was in danger. It was a mother’s instinct. And right now, all I wanted to do was run away.
Did Fiyona feel the same way when she ran away from Faelern and came to Jivan?
No. I wasn’t going to run. I had no one else. My kids had no one else. Nikolai was all they would have. I need to make this right.
“I love you, Mi Amor.” I said in a sweet voice. He didn’t feel like my Nikolai, my saviour. I almost couldn’t recognise him as he took slow, measured steps towards me. And I kept backing away.
For the first time, he didn’t say those words back.
I need to bring my Nikolai back. I needed to remind him that I was his mate. I had no idea what had gotten into him.
“I love you so much, Nik. So much. Since the day you bought me, I’ve been grateful to you for saving my life.” No! Don’t talk about saving my life! “I love how much you love me and respect me, how much you respect my wishes. I love how you always think of my feelings and happiness before doing anything. I lov-”
“Do you know that when I bought you, I didn’t think you were my mate?” He tilted his head to the side, not giving away anything.
I shook my head in answer.
“I never thought that I’d love you as much as I do.” His eyes softened for the first time. “I love you more than anything in the world, Avalyn. Always remember that.” His words were as soft as the breeze.
But I shivered at the chill that passed down my spine.
“I know, I love you too.”
He smiled. And for the first time, I saw why everyone was so afraid of him. I saw why everyone was so ready to do his bidding. He hadn’t said of done anything that should make me feel like I’m in danger. His expression hadn’t given away anything either. But the danger lurked beneath his smile, beneath his eyes.
This Nikolai wasn’t like the teddy bear I had once pegged him as. He was the ruthless Alpha wolf everyone was afraid of. And for the first time ever, I was too.
“You’re such a good girl, Ava.” He smiled, taking another step towards me. Every cell in my body was telling me to run, to protect myself.
I took a step back and my back flattened against the wall. He had strategically cornered me against the wall. “You’re scaring me, Nik.” I didn’t like it one bit. I wanted my mate back.
I caressed my bump. Mama will keep you safe.